Isle of Wight Poetry Festival – Advice

I will be making a personal appearance on The Isle of Wight to read poetry from my forthcoming anthology: “My Life”.

John Cooper Clarke and I are keen to avoid a repetition of what occurred at the Hay on Wye Festival. Ergo, here is some advice:

If you want to prevent your wife, girlfriend, partner or sex doll running away with a great looking poet you should ensure she is unable to do so. This can easily be achieved by tying her to a radiator for the length of time the festival takes place (three days).

a banana

I understand this is extreme and ridiculous but I have suggested this as an emergency fix for the problem. A more sensible solution, if you forward plan, is to buy a cage and put her in there whilst the poets (me & John) are in town. She can be comfortable in there and you can ensure she’s okay by giving her a bowl of water and a banana – for sustenance. You can also provide some sandwiches in case she gets hungry.

Women are very resourceful when there’s prospect of being with me or John. Ergo, to cater for the inevitable, install a tracking device in her anus. That way, you can track her down with great ease when she escapes and ends up in our tent. Important: remember to remove the tracker before anal sex or it can cause injury to the penis (I speak from bitter experience).

Advice: I’m full of it

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Home Office Immigration Scandal (exclusive)

Information was passed to me recently by someone working at the Home Office.

I was outraged and distressed in equal measure.

Ergo, using my contacts and power I have resolved the issue.

Let me make this 100% clear: If you are coming to the UK to be spanked by me you will no longer face any problems with UK Immigration and need not worry about Visas and all that stuff.

Even if you are coming from dodgy or corrupt places such as Columbia, North Korea or the EU you will be granted access if your visit is to be disciplined by my good self.

When arranging to come to the UK I will give you a reference number. If there is any problem at immigration you simply quote my reference number and all will be well. Guaranteed.

I would like to thank all those who helped at the Home Office but I won’t because they did fuck all: they were ordered to do it by my close & personal friend, Boris.

Sywwow: If I say I’m going to do something – I bloody well do it


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The Chancellor’s Budgie (correction)

Once a year the Chancellor takes his BUDGET to the Houses of Parliament and presents it to the MPs who then discuss it.

Budget NOT Budgie

The Chancellor takes his budget to Parliament on March 11


He carries his Budget to The House in a shitty old red box called a ‘Despatch Box’. The second box carries sandwiches, a banana and a bottle of Californian wine (not French wine: Californian)
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Prepare Ye for the End of The World

On February 26 2020 – a day which shall forever live in infamy – the server on which this site resides shall undergo an extensive upgrade.

Nothing shall go wrong during this process and it shall be an entirely painless experience.

If anything was, say, to go awry, then it’s nothing to do with me.


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A fucking Painting

I had a bloody good laugh this morning. Kate (Winslet) sent me a photo of a painting done by LydiE.

She’d got it from Tom (Cruise).

What an idiot. He’ll never live this down.

Look at him giving LydiE one. What a slut (Tom) (Cruise).
Ha ha, and, additionally, ha.

Update: ffs sake, it’s not Tom (Cruise) in the painting…


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The Frosting

Sometimes, maybe to feel
I go to where the lights went out
So few have seen such a thing
The pain is too much to bear
I can’t stay there long

Her little heart raced for me

Perhaps one lovely day
When the lights go out
for me

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