Site Mechanics

In advance of the site move on June 9, I have fired up a new server in the USA. This stands ready to take if the need arises on an on-going basis.

I also have ‘other capabilities’. I have set them up to take if required. These services have unlimited capabilities far in excess of what this site needs.

These actions are only in place as insurance. A lot of work has gone into this site (not just mine) so I will ensure it will stay up.


Continue Reading Site Mechanics

Bottoms Up

I’ve had a rather irate Ms. Jane Fonda on the phone whilst I was in the middle of going plop plop (as was she) demanding I “get to the bottom of BarbarElla’s arse”.

This is the first I’ve heard of this erupting scandal caused by someone writing an article featuring the said appendage.

I’m really sucking up to Fonda so told her some bollocks about getting “straight down to the arse” which seemed to placate her somewhat.

She said I must sort it out before The Sun Newspaper gets a hold of her arse. I decided not to mention I’ve been blabbing all sorts of shit to them last night.

Look, behind you: AN ELEPHANT!

A Kake
Continue Reading Bottoms Up


That kleptomaniac slut stole my photos from a soft SM session in France last year.
I showed all my glory and divine body and ass to the Playboy photographer with full conviction and he made a series that was outstanding.
The only one lying and taking advantage of me is that ugly pig Winslut.
She wishes she had a blissful bottom like mine.
I also don’t understand that my dearest Lord Sywwow is so deceived by an ordinary thief.
Kate Winslut … WAR is on …
And don’t you dare to steal pictures of my glory again.
Reporters of the SUN are always willing to post my stories.
A copy of this writing goes to my great friend Jane Fonda, who will ultimately ensure that you will not get any leading parts in any production for the time being.
Was signed…

Continue Reading WTF …


…do not use my action figure for things other than for what it was intended – I am not a plaything

Please note: the vibrating arm feature can be activated by pressing my nose three times and tapping my bum twice. This feature is also available with my action figure


Continue Reading Please…

Fancy A Sword Fight

I know you girls love to squabble amongst yourselves about fuck all.

Marie and Bonnie try to prick each other’s tits

How about taking it to the next level: Topless Sword Fighting

I know, sounds great doesn’t it.

Thanks to me and, Sword Master, Marie, you can realize your dreams.

What happens is:

You come to my place, join in the fun, and, on Saturday Evening, you choose your weapon with the assistance of the highly dangerous Sword Master, get your tits out and fence away until a victor is declared (by ME).

Note : You will be pricked, of that you can be sure

After issues regarding my duelling I have learned to say: “This is Fiction and no such sword fighting is on offer”. Learning this simple trick has avoided me using the services of legal legend ‘Barrister LG, QC‘ and thus dodge receiving a fee note of some size both in dimensions and monetary outlay.

Continue Reading Fancy A Sword Fight

The best arse in the world

Kate (Winslet) is a little perturbed her magnificent arse is being debated casting doubt on its magnificence.

She did me the enormous courtesy of sending me a photo to settle the matter:

“My Perfect Bottom”, Portrait, Winslet, K., (2020)


Well, this dispels any need for further discussion. It is the finest, most perfect and divine arse in the entire known world.

Perfection is too puny and pathetic a word for the most perfect arse of perfectness in existence: past, present and future.

Continue Reading The best arse in the world

Site Mechanics

I have had to remove the ‘Latest Video’ Module from the right-hand column due to slow page load issues

I have added new categories, new tags, edited the ‘about’ pages-  all of which are detailed in the right-hand column.

Horde email service is to be discontinued. If you use the web email service, the next time you access it you will be guided through the simple process of using Roundcube instead. Email service is unaffected – this is a web interface issue only.

At midnight June 9 the site is being transferred to new servers this WILL cause complete failure and the site WILL go off-line for technical reasons and DNS migration. No content should be added June 9. Problems connecting to the site should be expected for 24 hours.

Clearing the cache on your pc/device may alleviate this.

I will take the opportunity of this chaos to activate my secret second server plan which is designed to deal with the forthcoming international situation of which I must not tell but was ruminating upon, of late.

Look what’s coming any day now

Continue Reading Site Mechanics

What you want when you want it

I know what women want and what they need.

Ergo, I’ve added to my burgeoning range of vaginal ‘therapies’ by adding Twat Shaving.

Yes, simply lay back and let me get on with it.

It’s not gone as well as I first envisaged and there have been several incidents. But, I don’t let setbacks like these set me back and shall carry on regardless.

I’m known for my fairness so, until I get the hang of it, I’m offering the service free of charge.

I have produced a leaflet promoting my new facility. Please copy it and spread it about or, better still, contact me and let me loose on your cunt with a razor.

Please note, I always kiss you better: FOR FREE

Continue Reading What you want when you want it

A Note

Here is a note to keep in your pocket
Or fold it up tight and place in your locket

Wherever you go, whatever you do
It’s a reminder – I’m thinking of you

Continue Reading A Note

The perfect woman

The perfect woman

I’ve been watching Killing Eve which is all about some nut-job blonde-beauty psycho who goes around murdering people using sick & depraved means, taking delight despatching her prey.

She’s fucking great. Why can’t I have a tart like that?

In a recent episode, the slaughter queen, Villanelle, goes back to her home and eventually, quite rightly, killed her mother who was a moaning twat. Before being murdered and having her house blown up, her mother said: “You were dark and evil since birth. You never cried”.

What’s wrong with not crying? It means fuck all. When I was a baby, they called me “The Professor” because I never cried and seemed to be listening to their conversations. I was, the cunts, I would have snuffed them all if I could have got out that fucking pram.

If you’re a nut-job blonde-beauty Psycho who goes around murdering people using sick & depraved means – please contact me using the contact form and let’s get to work on my list.


Continue Reading The perfect woman


Lord Sywwow, peeved at the legation’s negative reaction to his Treaty retired to the balcony to ruminate on his next ploy of deception.

Smoking his hand-made cigarette laced with cocaine and liquorice bark he looked down at the crowds below anxiously waiting for the happy news of peace or the sad report of war.

As are they, so is he

The Princess sat as close as she dare to the Machiavellian character regarded by those at the Embassy as too dangerous and unpredictable to risk an encounter

Lord Sywwow; I have some Absinth in my quarters. Perhaps you would like to sample it and, possibly, if you are willing, allow me to briefly distract yourself from these great burdens of State”.

Sywwow, hand on his Walther pistol, chose not to answer

Continue Reading Winds

Zoom Netflix Production Meeting – not very productive

The Zoom Meeting, I arranged for Netflix Executives to thrash out a way forward regarding The Most Expensive Movie Ever, Barbarella, was a fiasco.

I’d barely started telling everyone how great I am before Bonnie’s mother joined. Wtf, she doesn’t even work for Netflix. She embarked on a ten-minute diatribe on what a twat I am. This went down well with everyone who fully agreed with her and they then started chipping in with slanderous stuff about me – virtually none of them know me. It didn’t stop them though.

Then loads of other people joined the meeting none of which, as far as I can tell, are anything to do with movies let alone Netflix.

One notable appearance was Ray Stevenson who was under the impression we’re planning to send him into space using Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic Space Vehicle at a discounted price I’ve agreed with Richard in return for putting Virgin Galactic on all future publicity material and mentioning Virgin Galactic as often as possible and in bold. Ray is a lot more menacing and violent than even his on-screen persona and he made threats towards me which only got more intense after I told him to shut up or I’d give him a slap.

BarbarElla made a brief appearance but left after a series of uncalled for sexual remarks and filthy suggestions – I can’t help it, she’s nearly as hot as Kate (Winslet).

LydiE then joined in saying all sorts of flattering things about my penis and what it did to her. That was the only highlight in this debacle which, I think is still going on.

Let me check…

…yes, they seem to be discussing Pokémon (whoever that is) and who has got the best arse: BarbarElla or Kate (Winslet). I told them it was Winslet (Kate) but they told me to fuck off.

Zoom says it’s the most visited meeting they’ve ever had.


Continue Reading Zoom Netflix Production Meeting – not very productive

The Cure

For no apparent reason I was going to tell you the best of all the tracks by The Cure.

However, I’ve blown the task and the best I could do is come up with a top five.

Close to Me is an acoustic version. When I first discovered it, I thought “Oh yeah, how are they going to do the keyboards?” – They achieved it by using the much-underrated Harmonium. Co-incidentally, I repaired a, larger, Harmonium at my pal’s studio and it will feature on my next audio release come the day we can re-open and not end up in a fight over who knows best (I do). I’m trying to get him to use it with other artists and used this Cure vid as evidence of the merit and coolness of the Harmonium

If I simply had to choose the best track it would be: “Pictures of You”.


Continue Reading The Cure

Light Work

I took the dog out to walk about the place because I’m not an “idiot who can’t be trusted to do fuck all”.

We’d been out for about half an hour or 30 minutes when, somehow, he got his extendable lead wrapped around a lamp post like a complete loon. When I went round it, he followed me so it just got worse. In the end I phoned the number on the lamp post and told them they must remove the lamp post because it was an emergency.

Sunday Call-out: Double Bubble

Whist waiting for their “Emergency Response Team”, I decided to write a poem about me and how fucking great I am when this woman turned up who said she’d been watching me from her bedroom window. This happens a lot. Sometimes I’ll bend over to pick up an imaginary £20 note which won’t unstick from the pavement. This means I’m bent over for a long period moving my sexy arse about for ages whilst they all wank themselves off leering at me – you do it, you fucking do, admit it; “I wank off to Sywwow as he picks up imaginary £20 notes” – that’s you.

Anyway, this woman untangled the dog with remarkable speed and gave me one of those looks. You know, one of those looks that says; “You’re a right fucking idiot you are”. I get these looks all the time so you must get them loads more than me. Loads.

I’d only got about a dozen paces, or 12, from the lamp post when a big lorry with a crane arrived and the passenger was asking me; “Have you seen some thick cunt with his dog stuck to a lamp post?”

Instead of saying “No”, I embarked on an elaborate tale of how I dealt with it and the “idiot” had fucked off in a Northerly direction.

I’d not thought this story through and it was, evidently, riddled with inconsistencies and contradictions. Also, to add some drama & romance I introduced a sub-plot involving me and some blonde who had lost her knickers and needed mine.

He, and the others who were all now on the pavement together with the guys from the two vans, the other two cranes and the fire engine, were looking at me with the look. You know, the looks that says; “You’re a right lying twat you are”. I get these looks all the time so you must get them loads more than me. Loads.

Whilst they were all talking about some time-wasting wanker that had actually netted them a wad of cash in over-time, at Sunday rates (double pay), I sneaked off to the safer neighbourhood of the canal towpath.

They’ve got a helicopter: No wonder the fucking electric bill is so high. And, why send a chopper over a lamp post? Idiots

Me and the dog arrived home safely thus proving I am not “an idiot who can’t be trusted to do fuck all” because the rest of the walk was uneventful except for when we fell in the canal.

Actually, only one ass prod fell in the canal. I was out in no time because I’ve picked up the knack of getting out rapidly. And, I was nearly dry by the time I got back so it doesn’t really count as falling in at all.

Continue Reading Light Work

Announcing Miss Aileen S.

Sobald ich sah, dass meine schöne Tochter Miss Aileen S. auf erschienen war, ging ich direkt in ihr Schlafzimmer, wo ich sah, wie sie nackte Bilder von Lord Sywwow betrachtete, die in drei Posts auf seiner berüchtigten Seite versteckt site.

Ich starrte ewig auf die Bilder und legte meine Finger… egal.

Meine hübsche junge Tochter nutzte meine Ablenkung, um einkaufen zu gehen, sich die Haare machen zu lassen und ein Gedicht darüber zu schreiben, raten Sie mal, wer? Als ich jedoch den Laptopdeckel schloss, war sie jetzt wieder in ihrem Schlafzimmer, wo ich sie überhaupt haben wollte.

Ich legte sie über mein Knie, zog ihre zierlichen kleinen rosa Unterhosen herunter und gab ihr eine gute Tracht Spanking.

Ich sagte ihr, es sei eine Bestrafung, sich auf seiner schmutzigen Seite zur Schau zu stellen.

Sie sagte, es sei alles sein Tun.

Oh je, ich hatte spanked die falsche Person

Ich kontaktierte die weltweit führende Behörde für xxx, um zu erfahren, was ich dagegen tun sollte, und mir wurde gesagt, ich müsse xx als Strafe sein und meine Brustwarzen als Bonus verdrehen. So sei es. Wer bin ich, um mit dem großen und großartigen Lord Sywwow zu streiten?

Ich fühlte mich wegen spanking so schuldig, dass ich sie in meine Arme nahm und ihr einen Kuss gab und…, egal, all das, sieh dir Miss Aileens an:


Über Seite

Meine hübsche Tochter


Continue Reading Announcing Miss Aileen S.

Saturday Evening Special

Rumours abound of the debauched goings-on at The Mansion.

I shall give you a peek at a normal Saturday evening which, I think you’ll agree, is like everyone else’s.

Continue Reading Saturday Evening Special

Zoom Meeting – Barbarella

The secret Zoom meeting for executives such as ME, Jane, The Head of Disastrous Projects and loads of other highly paid ass prods will take place tonight or early this morning at 23:00 UTC (NO actors or ass prods).

The most important things to get out of the way are:

  1. The amount of compensation to pay Amazon Studios for the damage caused by those ass prod electricians
  2. Richard bloody Branson – he wants $20 million to show we’re serious about sending BarbarElla and Ray into space (ffs, don’t tell them – they’ll go mental)

The meeting is at:
Meeting ID: 739962094
Password: 12341234

Lord Sywwow
Ass. Prod.


Continue Reading Zoom Meeting – Barbarella

1001 Things to put in your Twat

A pneumatic drill

My latest masterpiece ‘1001 Things to put in your Twat’ has hastily been retitled “Innumerable things to put in your Vagina”.

Innumerable” has been used to disguise the fact I couldn’t identify 1001 things to put in a twat. I got to 812 and that was it. There are no more than 812 different items you can put in your twat. Hold on, 814. No, 815.

In fairness to the reader and to maintain my standards I didn’t do the obvious such as blue broom handle, red broom handle, brown broom handle, pink broom handle, tartan broom handle, indistinct coloured broom handle, white broom handle etcetera etcetera etcetera: I just put ‘broom handle’ – which would also include mop handles, which I’ve made clear in the appendix.

Equally, I didn’t say red pen, blue pen, pen with ‘Blackpool’ written on the side, etcetera etcetera etcetera – I just said ‘writing implement’ which would also include pencils and pre 1999 word processors.

I just remembered deodorant cans and some other things you find in a toilet (874).

Twat” didn’t go down very well in the focus group who then couldn’t decide whether they liked “cunt” or “vagina” and, a breakaway element, wanted “secret lady place”.

Don’t get me started on the word “Things”. I wouldn’t budge on that one. I’d already lost my twat and acquired a verbose vagina.

Regarding ‘things’: The group objected to some of the objects. Some were deemed impossible which is bollocks because I’ve done it. Some were laughed at as ludicrous. Nothing is ludicrous as far as I’m concerned: if you want to insert the tip of an armed intercontinental ballistic missile in your secret lady place – contact me. After security clearance and a made-up job title: we’re off to Paris (Texas).

I shall return to the work presently, where I will change vagina back to a twat because I say what’s what – fuck those cunts they’re all a bunch of ass prods.

The above illustrates the work which goes into everything I do. I don’t just think up a load of shit and put it on the web.



Continue Reading 1001 Things to put in your Twat

Barbarella back on the road to success

BarbarElla: Space Astronut

Netflix has committed a further $300 million to the film allowing production to get underway. The sum is a help but I don’t think they realise everything has to start from scratch because so much footage was lost in the fire.

I sent Ms. Jane Fonda an email to show how keen I am to suck up to her:

Dear Ms. Jane Fonda

I’ve booked studio space at Amazon’s Manchester site because Pinewood is still not ready. My pal has an electrical firm that does stuff on the cheap so they’re up there preparing the space.
I contacted Richard Branson about shooting scenes in orbit and told him to keep his big gob shut in case loony-tunes finds out where we’re sending her.

I sent her an email:

Dear BarbarElla,

Get your act together, get with the program and stop messing about. Everyone knows you burned down Pinewood and blamed the cat. The buck stops here. This film must be made, again. So, be a team player. There’s no me in team. Hold on, there is. Well it’s not about me its about I and there’s no I in individual because there’s no me in there either or a you but there’s a U and that’s not you because it’s I and I don’t take any nonsense from loons. I’m not some sort of ass prod because I’m an Ass. Prod. Ergo, get your shit together and shape up or buy a shirt.

I’ve shown her who’s boss although it’s you.

Your obedient servant
Lord Sywwow

I wouldn’t dare send an email like that to BarbarElla – she’d kill me or worse. But Fonda will think I’m some fucker who knows what’s what.

All this executive stuff has made me want to go plop plop so I shall do that now

A movie first: Scenes from Barbarella will be actually filmed in space using Virgin’s Galactica Spaceship. (ffs, don’t tell BarbarElla: she’ll go fucking mental)


Continue Reading Barbarella back on the road to success

The Cane

I show you now everything you need to know about caning.

There’s nothing more to know. If there was, I’d tell you. Insertion is another matter entirely and is dealt with in my forthcoming work: “1001 things to put in a twat (and bottom)” – coming soon


Continue Reading The Cane

New word alert

I have been informed that, on the latest publicity material produced by Netflix for Barbarella (The most Expensive Film Ever Made), I’m credited as an “Ass Prod”.

Google were bloody hopeless; no-one uses Bing and DuckDuckGo showed me a list of videos featuring ladies doing things with shovels.

In the end an email to the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) produced the definition:

Ass Prod, noun, an object used in anal sex by gays similar to a ‘dildo’ but worse; (insult), origin, Studio City, Hollywood, May 28, 2020

Example: “See that twat over there, he’s a right ass prod


As soon as I learned all this, I felt a complete Ass Prod.

An email to Netflix soon revealed the person responsible for this slur was Ms. Jane Fonda.

What inspired insultery. What genius. This sort of thing is just the sort of thing I would do.

No-one other than me and Jane could change the English language like this. Its very like my word ‘loon’. And my rejuvenation of the jazz word ‘Gas’.

No wonder she’s the most powerful woman in the world. I think we’re going to get on great.

We’re going to be one hell of a team so, all you Ass Prods out there better shape up or shit your pants.

The beautiful Ms. Jane Fonda, most powerful woman in the world who makes up words to insult great & magnificent men like ME. She wouldn’t make up words for non-entity ass prods – just people like ME (who are not ass prods)
Continue Reading New word alert

Product Review: The Hotpoint Fridge Freezer

The Hotpoint Fridge Freezer Model: HPFF39778nhy-bk

The Hotpoint Fridge Freezer Model: HPFF39778nhy-bk: Not very good and won’t freeze tits

Why make Fridge Freezers if your name is ‘Hotpoint‘? It should be ‘Coldpoint‘ surely?

Because I’m so cool, I bought a black one – which cost me £30 extra, twats.

It’s fine at making cold water to pour over and into tarts causing a frightful chilling effect.

Its ice making capabilities are okay producing ice cubes for vaginal and anal insertion (and nipple erection inducement) in a reasonable time.

Securing a tart to the cold compartment is relatively straight forward and tits can be chilled to a very cold temperature in around 20 minutes.

The freezer compartment is hopeless. Even if you force the tart on her knees, it’s next to impossible to get her tits in there for any decent freezing effect. It does afford a horrible chill but it would be impossible to freeze them to the degree essential in torture.

Style: Black
Torture capability: Mild
Eco Rating: Who gives a fuck
Marks out of 10: 2
Stars: No fucking stars at all
Noise level: Very quiet indeed
Result: Sent it back: I said it made a noise like a tractor



Continue Reading Product Review: The Hotpoint Fridge Freezer

I get a Promotion

Evidently the most powerful woman in the world didn’t know who I was when she called.

Reproduced here is an email:

Dear Lord Sywwow,

I am horrified to learn of the racial abuse you have received by a senior member of our team.

I can understand why you “cried & cried & cried for a period of not less than three hours”: being called a “British Faggot” must have been so distressing to someone like you who claims to be so strong & ‘magnificent‘.

I have had the honour to speak to the individual concerned who proudly boasts the things you claim she said are true. She said to me; “He’s a British Fag, a Beatnik, a Loon” plus a lot more about what a jerk you are.

I have looked into the matter and feel there’s no need to involve the British Press, the LA Times or your website ( in this embarrassing and potentially costly incident.

I know you to be an artist and an industry Pro who would not wish to restrict creativity. I feel, if you were to come aboard Barbarella as an Associate Producer, you could do less damage than to date especially as you would be controlled by the greatest woman ever: Ms. JANE FONDA

Welcome to the Team

Ms. Diane Peteresen
Head of Netflix Disastrous Projects Division
Studio City, Hollywood

I have a good feeling about this
Continue Reading I get a Promotion

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