I will be making a personal appearance on The Isle of Wight to read poetry from my forthcoming anthology: “My Life”.
John Cooper Clarke and I are keen to avoid a repetition of what occurred at the Hay on Wye Festival. Ergo, here is some advice:
If you want to prevent your wife, girlfriend, partner or sex doll running away with a great looking poet you should ensure she is unable to do so. This can easily be achieved by tying her to a radiator for the length of time the festival takes place (three days).
I understand this is extreme and ridiculous but I have suggested this as an emergency fix for the problem. A more sensible solution, if you forward plan, is to buy a cage and put her in there whilst the poets (me & John) are in town. She can be comfortable in there and you can ensure she’s okay by giving her a bowl of water and a banana – for sustenance. You can also provide some sandwiches in case she gets hungry.
Women are very resourceful when there’s prospect of being with me or John. Ergo, to cater for the inevitable, install a tracking device in her anus. That way, you can track her down with great ease when she escapes and ends up in our tent. Important: remember to remove the tracker before anal sex or it can cause injury to the penis (I speak from bitter experience).
Advice: I’m full of it