I am a man of many skills honed from years of doing stuff the rest of you can only hope to dream of.
I’ll pass on some of my knowledge in the hope the world can become a better place so little puppies can play in the sunshine.
That’s how wonderful I am.
I shall tell you now the way in which you acquire yourself a blonde: How to catch a Blonde.
Firstly, get yourself a wooden crate of around 4foot by 2foot [100metres by 109999 millimetres].
Secondly, get yourself a banana. [This is very important].
Now, go to where blondes hang out: a clearing in the woods, outside a shoe shop or near a big mirror.
Put the banana on the ground. Cover it with the upturned crate.
Go and hide, behind a tree or anywhere you can be hidden. This is not absolutely necessary but adds to the drama which will be important for viewers should this article become a film starring Tom Cruise. Which, undoubtedly, it will.
Blondes simply can’t resist a banana.
She will put her hand through a gap in the crate and grab the banana.
The increased size of her hand [because she’s holding the banana], prevents her from pulling her hand back through the gap in the crate.
Voila, you’ve caught yourself a blonde.
My friend who knows fuck all about anything says the above is bollocks. He says it’s how you catch monkeys, not blondes.
I said to him; “No way. A monkey would have the sense to let go of the banana and thus escape”.
After this explanation he had no choice but to admit he knows fuck all about anything.
I hope you all enjoyed reading my guide on how to catch a blonde and have learned a lot.
Wait, there’s more.
By a strange co-incidence, I had to ban anonymous comments.
This means, in order to give me some backlash, you have to create an account and then log in.
This would require a degree of skill.
I know, you’d rather have a banana.
If you haven’t got a banana, there’s bound to be a cucumber in the fridge – the big white box in the kitchen where everything inside is cold.
The beer lives in there.
Yes, and the milk.
Do not touch the beer – that doesn’t concern you. There’s empty bottles next to the rear door – only if there’s no cucumber [or banana].