Good News: A High Court Injunction preventing me from revealing the worst news to ever afflict humanity has been thrown out after my Barrister successfully argued it was better to hear it from me than the mainstream media whom are all twats.
The news I so wish I didn’t have to tell you is: Spanking adds carbon to the atmosphere.
I know, it’s fucking dreadful isn’t it?
My extensive research was hoping to prove there was little in the way of a carbon footprint due to spanking. However, the reverse was proven.
The calculations were shocking. They’re way to complex for you idiots to understand but they revealed, even moderate & occasional spanking, can add 30-40 metric tonnes of carbon per year. [The average human generates 20 metric tonnes].
There’s no arguing with science. Ergo, all spanking activities carried out by me will immediately cease. This extends to caning, whipping and all other forms of bottom punishment.
As I said I would, I will set up an anti spanking group to constantly whinge on about spanking, the environment and spanking’s detrimental effect on the world.
I will, of course, make loads of stuff up and claim the world will end very soon.
It has fallen to me, once again, to save this world and all you twats who live on it.
It’s a sad day for us all.