Regina Vs Angus

English Judges do not use a gavel

Angry Angus from Aberdeen (husband to ass of the century, Moira) has had his day in court being brought to account for his punching of two hotel staff members and a policeman.

He plead guilty to avoid the further embarrassment of a Crown Court sitting. This meant he had to rely on character witnesses to make out he’s too nice to be sent to jail. No-one could be arsed to come from Scotland so it fell to me to stand testament to his character.

I took the stand in a dark ensemble and toned down my make-up to reflect the serious setting. I donned glasses to give myself the look of, say, an academic. I wore a tartan tie to show solidarity with the nation of Scots and a thistle in my lapel.

The audience was quite receptive and, after delivering the speech I’d rehearsed with Angus’ defence on how he is an excellent fellow, I deviated basking in the general approval of those there.

I took them on a journey to the highlands, the mountains, the heather. I described a beautiful land which was lacking in one thing: Angus.

There were tears running down some faces as I told how Angus ached to return to his land where he could run and play, breathing the fine mountain air.

I told of how he had come to this strange land of England and was frightened by the noise and madness, how he felt trapped and anxious to escape – to return to the northern land of his birth.

This was going down well.

I took my jacket off for dramatic effect and cried out as loud as I could: “Why! Why, Oh, God Why?” – that woke the twat up at the back.

Angus’ lawyer at this point was gesticulating to me which I took to mean I was doing great.

I then went off on a tangent about Napoleon, Churchill, 1066 and slavery. I could feel I was losing them. This was compounded as I ranted about the EU, the Welsh and, for some reason, fishing quotas.

I’m not stupid: I know when I’ve lost the room. I quickly got them back with a tale of when I was performing in Berkoff’s “It Is”. They enjoyed that.

The judge told me to “stand down” so I quickly slipped in an invented story about Angus saving a kitten in a lake. I also adapted a story I oft use with women substituting him for me which told how he escorted a group of nuns to safety on a very windy day.

All in all – It was a very successful trial.


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