Angry Angus from Aberdeen (husband to ass of the century, Moira) has had his day in court being brought to account for his punching of two hotel staff members and a policeman.
He plead guilty to avoid the further embarrassment of a Crown Court sitting. This meant he had to rely on character witnesses to make out he’s too nice to be sent to jail. No-one could be arsed to come from Scotland so it fell to me to stand testament to his character.
I took the stand in a dark ensemble and toned down my make-up to reflect the serious setting. I donned glasses to give myself the look of, say, an academic. I wore a tartan tie to show solidarity with the nation of Scots and a thistle in my lapel.
The audience was quite receptive and, after delivering the speech I’d rehearsed with Angus’ defence on how he is an excellent fellow, I deviated basking in the general approval of those there.
I took them on a journey to the highlands, the mountains, the heather. I described a beautiful land which was lacking in one thing: Angus.
There were tears running down some faces as I told how Angus ached to return to his land where he could run and play, breathing the fine mountain air.
I told of how he had come to this strange land of England and was frightened by the noise and madness, how he felt trapped and anxious to escape – to return to the northern land of his birth.
This was going down well.
I took my jacket off for dramatic effect and cried out as loud as I could: “Why! Why, Oh, God Why?” – that woke the twat up at the back.
Angus’ lawyer at this point was gesticulating to me which I took to mean I was doing great.
I then went off on a tangent about Napoleon, Churchill, 1066 and slavery. I could feel I was losing them. This was compounded as I ranted about the EU, the Welsh and, for some reason, fishing quotas.
I’m not stupid: I know when I’ve lost the room. I quickly got them back with a tale of when I was performing in Berkoff’s “It Is”. They enjoyed that.
The judge told me to “stand down” so I quickly slipped in an invented story about Angus saving a kitten in a lake. I also adapted a story I oft use with women substituting him for me which told how he escorted a group of nuns to safety on a very windy day.
All in all – It was a very successful trial.