Bottom Access #3

Aphrodite’s attempt at showing the correct positioning of the female arse for caning (by ME) was completely ruined by virtue of the fact she was using a product from the evil empire of Apple.

Her tiny, but sweet, brain attempted to correct this gaff by using another phone.

Predictably, it was yet more unsuitable as it was a Huawei which, as anyone who knows what’s what in IT (that means no-one) has been aware of for over a decade; all Chinese equipment has back doors which they use to spy on you. Yes, especially cctv equipment – they thought I didn’t know that but I do – we all do, down at Chippenham.

Meanwhile, in Hong Kong, I note my pals are still in that ‘hotel’. I think they’d rather be at home. Hold on, was that an email from Chippenham? I believe it was

Back to Aphrodite and her balls up of a simple task that even Amazone could have accomplished. Probably. She has done yet another photo using yet another phone:

Bloody hell, she’s managed it. I take back all, or some, of what I said
Continue Reading Bottom Access #3

Bottom Access #2

Aphrodite’s attempt at showing the correct positioning of the female arse for caning (by ME) was completely ruined by virtue of the fact she was using a product from the evil empire of Apple.

In attempt to avoid a caning she has redone the photo using a different phone:

Noooooooooo !
Continue Reading Bottom Access #2

Eurovision Song Contest 1974

A photograph has come into my possession regarding The Eurovision Song Contest 1974

ABBA won that year with their song Waterloo

This came as a surprise because everyone thought the UK entry The Battle of Leipzig was sure to win. However, Barbara, the lead singer of Ba-Ba, mysteriously failed to appear on stage

This mystery has now been solved, thanks to someone called ME.

Shocking

 

I have launched an appeal with the relevant parties in the hope of re-staging the event

Continue Reading Eurovision Song Contest 1974

The Sywwow Dollar

Since introducing my fraudulent currency I’ve become a Billionaire.

This epic scam is making waves all over the financial world as they struggle to come to terms with the fact people can just print out cash for themselves to spend, a privilege once reserved for bankers & governments.

Doing this sort of thing soon attracts the attention of vile evil criminals such as bankers but they don’t scare me because they’re fags – every single one of them. So much so, as they realise their days are numbered, they’re re-training to pollute other fields of employ – they are, after all, merely wage slaves. Their lack of intelligence makes them think changing their name tag will protect them – it won’t.

You can download & print out my free money and waste it on crap like rich people do.

Free Money

Print your own money and spend it

As evidence to support my assertion this is a great success here’s a load of stuff:

Continue Reading The Sywwow Dollar

The Library Book

I had clamped Dame Beatrice’s enormous udders in my Black & Decker Workmate and was busy using my adapted vacuum cleaner to suck her nipples.

The vac nozzle was self-attached to her right nipple and was causing her entire right breast distress.

Everything was going well. I’m not mad so I came up with a reason for this painful and humiliating torture: she had to confess something that I knew but she had to tell me.

There was nothing for her to confess, it was a ruse.

I have adapted a battery-operated hammer drill to act as a high-powered dildo (large amounts of WD40 lubrication is essential). As I switched it on and began to insert it into her perfect ass hole she said (loudly); “STOP! I’ll confess”.

Let me tell you, what I heard shocked me to the core.

Miss Aileen S. failed to return a library book and got fined do I decided to punish her but she refused. Dame Beatrice heard of this effrontery so offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. Then Lady Andrea S. finds out about Aileen’s disobedience and, out of guilt & embarrassment over her daughter’s disobedience, offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. I didn’t tell her or Beatrice about having two identical offers. Then, guess what? Aileen, no doubt feeling guilty about her horrid treatment of me agreed to the original punishment. I didn’t tell any of the three sluts what the others had agreed to meaning I got to do all three.

All of that was planned: by the three sluts.

They had constructed this elaborate sham in order to all get what was intended for Aileen only.

I feel used

It’s not fair

Continue Reading The Library Book

Gold

Being a superstitious sort of genius and guided by the gods of old I place great stock in the value of certain possessions. This is not monetary, it is the links these objects have.

Should one be lost I take this as a sign – even an omen.

One such object which had been with me for a very long time indeed was lost.

I believe I knew where I lost it: somewhere it could never be retrieved.

Yet, emptying a little box of treasures I subsequently returned the contents. When I closed the lid it fell onto the table.

I could have put it there and forgot but it seems to have miraculously reappeared.

This, some say, is how the ancient gods choose to deliver a message

Continue Reading Gold

Hollywood

Orson Welles, John Ford, Steven Spielberg; movie producers & directors.

Once in a generation comes a genius who transforms the cinematic world, all whom follow are merely imitators.

Who could be next in this esteemed line of Maestros? Who will be the person to change the world forever? Whose name will be etched in to the history of human intellect? Whose name will be mentioned alongside Chapin, Lean & Scorsese? Whom will it be with so many awards he can’t get in the downstairs toilet so has to use the other one or one of those upstairs (but not that one at the end where the big spiders live)? Who will say to Francis Ford Coppola; “Frankie, baby” – because he’s revered by all other film legends who want to be friends with him?

Continue Reading Hollywood

Free Money

Listen up suckers, I’m going to stiff it to the man and bring down his bourgeoise capitalist empire.

I’m going to destroy all banks, financial institutions and governments by wrecking their international currency scam.
I’ve brought out a new currency. Oh yeah, its Crypto as well.

The new Sywwow Dollar is valid everywhere – especially for criminal & seedy transactions.

Those twats at the EU, Wall Street and Birmingham International Airport will go mad when they realise.

Because I’m an anarchist, maverick and slightly deranged I’m going to cause even more chaos by showing you how to forge this currency (Oh yeah, its Crypto as well). Simply download the download, print it out, cut it out, and then go on a spending spree knowing it will cost you nothing.

Free Money

Print your own money and spend it

Continue Reading Free Money

Twat Cooling Spray heats up a twat down under

Listen up Tarts, I told you lot not to use my Twat Cooling Spray for Cooling your Twats. Its function is purely for gluing tits together and attaching skirting boards to walls without need of screws.

A user of my Twat Cooling Spray used it to Cool her Twat and, essentially, sealed it shut such is its adhesive excellence which is why it’s now for breast bonding.

The twattish twat whinged on for ages in an email complaining her twat was hotter than ever because it was closed off. She was also dripping on about how it was affecting her ability to work and have ‘fun’.

Sealed: tight as a drum. You couldn’t even get a pencil in there

On the positive side, she informs me the coat hook which keeps falling off the door in the bathroom has now been fixed so permanently “you can swing off it”.

I won’t name this silly slut but take heed of her words; “I won’t used it on my twat anymore. That’s for sure. Instead, I’m going to get guys to use it on my tits when I’m fucking for fun”.

Reassuringly, she has sent some photos showing, after a mere seven days, countless baths and some WD40, her twat is back in full working order and open for business (and fun):

Continue Reading Twat Cooling Spray heats up a twat down under

Service with a Smile

Taking advantage of a two-for-one voucher, a couple of men fuck a whore at the same time

Services available to them included access to all holes and, for an additional fee, a cum inside facility

They were both pleased with their purchase:

The first guy: “The whore was great. I fucked all three holes and came inside, twice: it was a two-for-one voucher. I’d use it again and would recommend it to other guys who want a fuck”.

The other guy: “The whore was great. I fucked all three holes and came inside, twice: it was a two-for-one voucher. I’d use it again and would recommend it to other guys who want a fuck”.

High praise indeed from two jerks who know fuck all about anything but were the best we could get at short notice.

Continue Reading Service with a Smile

The Library Book

I always thought I was a genius and now I have proof.

Miss Aileen S. failed to return a library book and got fined do I decided to punish her but she refused. Dame Beatrice heard of this effrontery so offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. Then Lady Andrea S. finds out about Aileen’s disobedience and, out of guilt & embarrassment over her daughter’s naughtiness, offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. I didn’t tell her or Beatrice about having two identical offers. Then, guess what? Aileen, no doubt feeling remorseful about her horrid treatment of me agreed to the original punishment. I didn’t tell any of the three sluts what the others had agreed to meaning I get to do all three. I am a genius with no match.

Continue Reading The Library Book

Press Release: Lord Sywwow, not a twat

Press Release: Lord Sywwow, not a twat

Certain remarks, articles, statements, magazines, books, videos, press interviews, TV appearances and a website called sywwow.com attribute Lord Sywwow with all manner of derogatory & demeaning statements about Tarts – particularly blonde ones.

Thankfully he can explain all this away with three words: “I was hacked

So, that’s clear: anything ‘bad’ about Sywwow wasn’t him whilst anything ‘good’ (even if untrue) is him.

Notes to editors: That picture of him and Meghan Markle must not be used: all rights to this image have been rescinded


Continue Reading Press Release: Lord Sywwow, not a twat

Tarts Tormenting Tarts

The forthcoming magazine “Tarts Tormenting Tarts” from Sywwow Publishing LLP will, naturally, feature Tarts Tormenting Tarts.

At a meeting held on Zoom where I dressed as a gorilla and no fucker noticed, I suggested using Sarah as a lead model because she’s well fuckable and, being based in Australia, can’t possibly get anywhere near me to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.

Everyone in the meeting was against this, preferring to use someone much closer to me, very very close to me, who would be better placed to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.

I overruled them because I’m in charge. Plus, I don’t take any notice of anyone because I’m always right.

Ergo, the shoot was organised and Sarah brought with her a Tart friend of hers to torment.

Sarah torments her tart friend. The superb rope work was done by some guy outside working in a hole. Sarah couldn’t do rope work like that: she’s only just learned how to tie her shoe laces (left one only)

Continue Reading Tarts Tormenting Tarts

What is wrong with Imagefap?

My robot first brought my attention to something being wrong at Imagefap. In order to avoid problems on this site I simply killed the limited existing content & links (all of which are available facilities from Ifap – not me sucking in content, a single gallery embed for instance)

Ifap suffer from content raiding where robots harvest vast amounts of images automatically. This site detects such attempts and deals with them.

Ifap decided they would deal with this problem and introduced some form of limiter.

Continue Reading What is wrong with Imagefap?

The Library Book

Lady Andrea S has learned of Miss Aileen S and her refusal to let me punish her for returning that library book late.

She, obviously, is distressed to learn of her daughter’s disobedience. That’s how Genghis Kahn started out – not returning library books by the due date.

She has kindly offered to substitute for Aileen and take everything Aileen should have endured.

I didn’t mention the fact Dame Beatrice has made an identical offer because I didn’t think it pertinent.

Dame Beatrice: wants tying up, tit fucking, sperm in her ear, no spanking and being left frustrated. Sucker

 

Lady Andrea S: also wants tying up, tit fucking, sperm in her ear, no spanking and being left frustrated. Double Sucker
Continue Reading The Library Book

Get in There

If you’re going to do a job: do it right. Lady Andrea S shows us (YOU) how to do it. Pay attention or do I have to do a video?
Continue Reading Get in There

Bottom Access

Aphrodite shows you Tarts the correct way to position yourself for the cane

The correct way to position yourself for the cane

Adopting this position makes it so much easier for me and it’s me that counts

I assumed this photo assignment would be straight forward enough to achieve but no. What the fuck is that in her hands? A bloody iPhone.

This use of wanker equipment means only the belt is applicable in this instance and this is not the optimum position for its use – what a loon

Continue Reading Bottom Access

Antipodean Tarts

If I knew all the tarts in Australia (and New Zealand) were this fantastic I would have went there ages ago despite the spiders which are approximately the size of a small horse or pony

Continue Reading Antipodean Tarts

The Library Book

In my article The Library Book I detailed the grossly unfair treatment of me by Miss Aileen S.

I know, horrid. Why do Tarts abuse me so when I’m a lovely and wonderful person with no faults worth mentioning?

Dame Beatrice, who is the best whore on the planet, has – quite rightly – taken pity on poor me and said I can do all the things I wanted to do to Miss Aileen S to her instead.

What a woman. All other women are just twats compared to Dame Beatrice.

Four Cans

In order to bond her tits together for tit fucking purposes I shall take four cans of Twat Cooling Spray which should be enough for the task

Continue Reading The Library Book

Continue Reading

When you see a list of articles such as on the Home Page or via a Category you will see ‘Continue Reading’ below the article’s leader.

Invariably, there is more to view than what you are seeing. This can be accessed by pressing ‘Continue Reading’ whereupon the entire piece is viewable.

The ‘Continue Reading’ button is misleading. I tried altering it once to tailor it but blew the site up as it’s part of its core.

Continue Reading Continue Reading

Sarah, voll auf

Das bekannte köstliche Australische Model Sarah hat mit dem bekannten deutschen Fotografen Herr Hermann Kuntz fotografiert.

Die Ergebnisse werden Teil seiner Ausstellung Kuntz on Cunts 2021 in der Neuen Nationalgalerie in Berlin sein

Sarah, deren Fotze von Kuntz für Kuntz on Cunts gefüllt und fotografiert wurde
Continue Reading Sarah, voll auf

Sarah, Full Up

Well-known delectable Australian Model Sarah has been on a shoot with the renowned German photographer Herr Hermann Kuntz.

The results will form part of his 2021 exhibition Kuntz on Cunts at the Neue Nationalgalerie, Berlin

Sarah, whose cunt was filled & photographed by Kuntz for Kuntz on Cunts
Continue Reading Sarah, Full Up

The Library Book

Mesopotamian financial processes and the relation to socio-economic practices of the modern world by S. Herbert (2019, Oxford University Press, ISBN: 9781074474447)

I was shocked and stunned to learn Miss Aileen S had been tardy with a library book and returned it three days late.

The book, “Mesopotamian financial processes and the relation to socio-economic practices of the modern world” must be a popular book and in demand. It is correct; therefore, she received a 3euro fine (plus 100euros admin fee) for its overdue return.

Where would we be if we allowed people to just return library books whenever they felt like it? Anarchy, Chaos, War – that’s where we’d be.

It’s got fuck all to do with me so I have decided to teach the tart a lesson.

What I shall do is strip her naked but leave her panties in situ.

I shall then, using my Tart Ties*, secure her to the bed spread-eagled, face up.

I will then bond her udders together using my Twat Cooling Spray being careful where the adhesive is squirted so I can tit fuck the fuck out of her tits for fucking ages. I’m not mad, I shall devote a large amount of time to her right nipple. The left shall go unpunished because it’s innocent as regards this whole library book affair.

100 Euros (admin fee)

I shall delay ejaculation for as long as I can. When the time comes, I shall attempt, from between her breasts, to jet my cum into her ear – I’ve not decided yet whether it will be her right or left ear though I’m partial to the idea of the left one which seems right.

After this, I shall toss my hair back and look sexy as fuck so she thinks I’ll fuck her – which I won’t.

I’ll then rearrange her on the bed this time securing her face down using my Tart Ties*

Using scissors, I shall dispense with her panties and then make a great dramatic show of preparing to spank her.

Guess what? I won’t spank her. It will drive her bonkers. I’ll then run off down the stairs laughing like a Banshee.

That’ll teach the Tart.


*Tart Ties: invented by Lord Sywwow in 2016; they are a secret and can only be seen if you visit him or, worse still, he comes to you (which he sometimes does, but only with an invitation)


Update: You wankers, why did you let me blab my plans on here so she could read them and tell me I can’t do any of the above?
It’s not fair. Why’s she being so horrid?
I’m so sad now.

It’s not fair

 

Continue Reading The Library Book

Spaned

My new T shirts say “Sywwow spaned me

What happened to the K? It’s a fucing disaster

Not only that, there doesn’t seem to be a valid definition for the word ‘spane

NEW WORD ALERT: Spane – to be anally penetrated, painfully, by Sywwow (ME)

How the T shirt should look. I’ve had a revelation: the next batch will be black with white lettering – inspirational (You can only have a T shirt if I spank you – it’s the law or something)

 

According to the rules, the word Spaned is not allowed in Scrabble – it is now

Continue Reading Spaned

Woman gets stuck to door, somehow

If you’re a husband and you come home and find me there it is incumbent on you to avoid jumping to illogical conclusions as to what’s go on.

It peeves me that common sense is the first casualty and I end up having to explain things which are self-evident.

Husbands, stop jumping to conclusions.

Continue Reading Woman gets stuck to door, somehow

Enter the Dragon

Falling foul of the ever changing travel restrictions has returned ‘Daphne

Her swordsmanship is like no other. She lies, cheats & steals to win Monopoly. Her skills at Scrabble are lacking but no-one no-one plays it Topless quite like her. She can shoot an automatic with precision and a shotgun with alacrity. She writes poetry, sings in the bath, talks incessantly about so much and so little with an accent that makes me delirious. She loves Bonnie & Marie – even the dog, who has taken to following her to see what she does next.

She eats caviar from her little finger’s nail. Absinthe, she adds a tear collected from her cheek. An angel’s tear.

She has a friend, a little dragon. It hides in her eyes. Perhaps it is this which creates her beautiful tears.

I shall slay this dragon. This is why she’s been returned. These things are written

Daphne

Continue Reading Enter the Dragon

DIY

My attention has been drawn to a popular DIY site where instructions can be found regarding home maintenance tasks.

To say I was livid was an understatement.

My ‘Twat Cooling Spray’ is most certainly not a ‘gap filling grab adhesive’. How dare they.

My product was a genuine attempt to help Tarts, Sluts & Whores cool off their cunts in a safe & convenient manner. Its unfortunate adhesive qualities were soon apparent which is why it’s now recommended by any self-respecting tit abuser to bond breasts beautifully. It is NOT for fixing skirting boards to walls.

Continue Reading DIY

Threesomes

I know all about the fantasies you tarts have. Every single one of them.

Many, or all, of you fantasize about threesomes.

Ergo I have tasked Lady Andrea S. to produce a report on threesomes so we all know what it’s all about:

Continue Reading Threesomes

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