Being a superstitious sort of genius and guided by the gods of old I place great stock in the value of certain possessions. This is not monetary, it is the links these objects have.

Should one be lost I take this as a sign – even an omen.

One such object which had been with me for a very long time indeed was lost.

I believe I knew where I lost it: somewhere it could never be retrieved.

Yet, emptying a little box of treasures I subsequently returned the contents. When I closed the lid it fell onto the table.

I could have put it there and forgot but it seems to have miraculously reappeared.

This, some say, is how the ancient gods choose to deliver a message

Continue Reading Gold


Orson Welles, John Ford, Steven Spielberg; movie producers & directors.

Once in a generation comes a genius who transforms the cinematic world, all whom follow are merely imitators.

Who could be next in this esteemed line of Maestros? Who will be the person to change the world forever? Whose name will be etched in to the history of human intellect? Whose name will be mentioned alongside Chapin, Lean & Scorsese? Whom will it be with so many awards he can’t get in the downstairs toilet so has to use the other one or one of those upstairs (but not that one at the end where the big spiders live)? Who will say to Francis Ford Coppola; “Frankie, baby” – because he’s revered by all other film legends who want to be friends with him?

Continue Reading Hollywood

Free Money

Listen up suckers, I’m going to stiff it to the man and bring down his bourgeoise capitalist empire.

I’m going to destroy all banks, financial institutions and governments by wrecking their international currency scam.
I’ve brought out a new currency. Oh yeah, its Crypto as well.

The new Sywwow Dollar is valid everywhere – especially for criminal & seedy transactions.

Those twats at the EU, Wall Street and Birmingham International Airport will go mad when they realise.

Because I’m an anarchist, maverick and slightly deranged I’m going to cause even more chaos by showing you how to forge this currency (Oh yeah, its Crypto as well). Simply download the download, print it out, cut it out, and then go on a spending spree knowing it will cost you nothing.

Free Money

Print your own money and spend it

Continue Reading Free Money

Service with a Smile

Taking advantage of a two-for-one voucher, a couple of men fuck a whore at the same time

Services available to them included access to all holes and, for an additional fee, a cum inside facility

They were both pleased with their purchase:

The first guy: “The whore was great. I fucked all three holes and came inside, twice: it was a two-for-one voucher. I’d use it again and would recommend it to other guys who want a fuck”.

The other guy: “The whore was great. I fucked all three holes and came inside, twice: it was a two-for-one voucher. I’d use it again and would recommend it to other guys who want a fuck”.

High praise indeed from two jerks who know fuck all about anything but were the best we could get at short notice.

Continue Reading Service with a Smile

Press Release: Lord Sywwow, not a twat

Press Release: Lord Sywwow, not a twat

Certain remarks, articles, statements, magazines, books, videos, press interviews, TV appearances and a website called attribute Lord Sywwow with all manner of derogatory & demeaning statements about Tarts – particularly blonde ones.

Thankfully he can explain all this away with three words: “I was hacked

So, that’s clear: anything ‘bad’ about Sywwow wasn’t him whilst anything ‘good’ (even if untrue) is him.

Notes to editors: That picture of him and Meghan Markle must not be used: all rights to this image have been rescinded

Continue Reading Press Release: Lord Sywwow, not a twat

What is wrong with Imagefap?

My robot first brought my attention to something being wrong at Imagefap. In order to avoid problems on this site I simply killed the limited existing content & links (all of which are available facilities from Ifap – not me sucking in content, a single gallery embed for instance)

Ifap suffer from content raiding where robots harvest vast amounts of images automatically. This site detects such attempts and deals with them.

Ifap decided they would deal with this problem and introduced some form of limiter.

Continue Reading What is wrong with Imagefap?

The Library Book

Lady Andrea S has learned of Miss Aileen S and her refusal to let me punish her for returning that library book late.

She, obviously, is distressed to learn of her daughter’s disobedience. That’s how Genghis Kahn started out – not returning library books by the due date.

She has kindly offered to substitute for Aileen and take everything Aileen should have endured.

I didn’t mention the fact Dame Beatrice has made an identical offer because I didn’t think it pertinent.

Dame Beatrice: wants tying up, tit fucking, sperm in her ear, no spanking and being left frustrated. Sucker


Lady Andrea S: also wants tying up, tit fucking, sperm in her ear, no spanking and being left frustrated. Double Sucker
Continue Reading The Library Book

Bottom Access

Aphrodite shows you Tarts the correct way to position yourself for the cane

The correct way to position yourself for the cane

Adopting this position makes it so much easier for me and it’s me that counts

I assumed this photo assignment would be straight forward enough to achieve but no. What the fuck is that in her hands? A bloody iPhone.

This use of wanker equipment means only the belt is applicable in this instance and this is not the optimum position for its use – what a loon

Continue Reading Bottom Access

Continue Reading

When you see a list of articles such as on the Home Page or via a Category you will see ‘Continue Reading’ below the article’s leader.

Invariably, there is more to view than what you are seeing. This can be accessed by pressing ‘Continue Reading’ whereupon the entire piece is viewable.

The ‘Continue Reading’ button is misleading. I tried altering it once to tailor it but blew the site up as it’s part of its core.

Continue Reading Continue Reading

Enter the Dragon

Falling foul of the ever changing travel restrictions has returned ‘Daphne

Her swordsmanship is like no other. She lies, cheats & steals to win Monopoly. Her skills at Scrabble are lacking but no-one no-one plays it Topless quite like her. She can shoot an automatic with precision and a shotgun with alacrity. She writes poetry, sings in the bath, talks incessantly about so much and so little with an accent that makes me delirious. She loves Bonnie & Marie – even the dog, who has taken to following her to see what she does next.

She eats caviar from her little finger’s nail. Absinthe, she adds a tear collected from her cheek. An angel’s tear.

She has a friend, a little dragon. It hides in her eyes. Perhaps it is this which creates her beautiful tears.

I shall slay this dragon. This is why she’s been returned. These things are written


Continue Reading Enter the Dragon

Wahnsinnige aus England

Excellent Article about ME in the German Publication Wahnsinnige aus England.

I secured permission to reprint it here by doing a favour for the girl in UK licensing. If you would like to anal finger me (you mad slut) – it ‘s an email away via my contact form.

Anyway, she translated it for me because she’s bi-sexual and can therefore speak different languages. I said in the article I translated it but that’s because I like taking credit for other people’s work. I’m fair though, I credit them, in turn, for my failures which are too many to list here.

Let’s sit back now and play with out clitorises and fantasise I’m there with you now shaving your twat (applies to tarts only) whilst we read all about me and how great I am:

Continue Reading Wahnsinnige aus England


I’m not very good at tying knots which is why I use my Tart Ties.

Tart Ties are fantastic, convenient and inescapable.

They have to be seen to be believed but they’re secret. The only way you can see them is if you come and see me whereupon I shall show you and provide a full demonstration by tying you up with them, spanking you and then… well, we have to discuss that in advance.

Continue Reading DIY

The Sock War: New Front

Another Tart defeated by socks

My resistance to the tyranny of socks has entered a new, more deadly, phase.

Confronted by the much feared inside-out sock, I realised by meekly turning it the right way out I was kowtowing to the dictates of socks. This, I will never do.

Ergo, I disregard inside-out socks and wear them with gay aplomb.

Hold on a minute.

I’m back. On the right foot is a red sock with ‘Tuesday’ on it. Ha! It’s not Tuesday. On the other foot is a blue sock. I can’t read the day on that because it’s inside out.


Listen up you feeble twats, rise up against socks. Don’t let them rule your lives.

T Shirts – don’t get me started on those fuckers.

Continue Reading The Sock War: New Front

Wedded Bliss

I’ve never been married* because there’s not a single Tart in this world who could come close to taming a tempestuous sulky moody twat like me.

It should be noted, some Tarts come to visit and never want to leave – this is because I’m unlike anyone else alive and my heart is so full of love

My lack of experience in the field of being married won’t prevent me from giving advice in this regard.

Ergo, how to treat some Tart you’ve married:

Continue Reading Wedded Bliss


People are reluctant to join this site, particularly if it’s just to comment, even more so if the comment is merely to tell me how great I am which everyone knows anyway.

I, myself, can’t be bothered to join sites unless I have to.

Some sites let you comment by ‘signing in’ using your Google or Facebook account (and others). I have looked at this but have rejected it because they want to know all about you and what you do. Plus, they want me to conform to their skewed idea of what is right & wrong.

I go to great lengths to provide security & privacy here. All sites say that but they’re full of shit or lying. I will not compromise my integrity least of all to the likes of Facebook

I kowtow to no-one so this facility remains off the cards.

Continue Reading Commenting


Before being thrown off my Anger Management Course (they threw me off for causing arguments which I didn’t start. Bastards) I learned about SALTED


This is to prevent making things worse in a situation by listening & thinking before opening your big gob. Ergo, everyone should do this when dealing with me.

I, personally, just go straight to the Talk bit because I’m not interested in listening or thinking. But, however, I try to avoid bloodshed which is something I did take from the course (along with some nice folders I found in a corridor)


Continue Reading SALTED

Sywwow Institute of Science

Thanks to a swindle perpetrated against The Royal Bank of Scotland I have a load of cash available to fund my latest scheme to convince the world I’m not a twat.

The Sywwow Institute of Science is my way of giving something back to a world from which I have taken so much.

The scam also allows me access to even more riches via The UK Government and, the water on the glacier, is I can get dosh from the EU via an ‘office’ in France which is actually a flat owned by a pal down there.

My use of the words ‘Institute’ and ‘Science’ will no-doubt attract traffic from China so I’d just like to remind such viewers of the massacre at Tiananmen Square and the likelihood of a repetition in Hong Kong where you have already ‘detained’ some pals of mine – a big mistake, on your part.

The Institute has a number of exiting projects already underway:

  • Tackling the scourge of nuclear weapons: The Institute aims to free the world from the horror of thousands of years of contamination after a full-scale nuclear war by reducing this period of death & disease to a more acceptable 50 years
  • Making people happy: A chip is being developed whereby thoughts of the ignorant masses may be guided towards happiness & joy through compliance of the wishes of the highest bidder
  • An end to Pain & Discomfort: Research is well underway, taking over from my own work, into easing the pain endured by Tarts having anal sex
Continue Reading Sywwow Institute of Science

Site Mechanics: Media

I know him. Lucky bastard

My robot has discovered stuff about Media content which I have checked out.

WordPress is the CMS running this site. It has a non-security related fault to do with Media.

The system is reporting Media as ‘unattached’ when, in fact, much of this media is actually in use. I shall not delete any ‘unattached media’. I won’t tell WordPress about this or the security issues I have discovered because, evidently, I’m a disgusting piece of shit running a site like this.

I have found images containing personal info. I must have missed these when they were loaded (not by me). These were never used (unallocated) and have been dealt with.

I have looked at optimizing all media but this is risky and requires scheduling so is on hold.

I shall now show you Heidi with a friend to test the function where you have to be logged into view:

Fucking hell !

Continue Reading Site Mechanics: Media

In your pocket?

Once upon a time I worked as a debt collector.

Some debts cannot be paid with money, jewels or gold: they require a much more personal contribution.

I was deemed too volatile & aggressive for the work; oh, the irony

My partner continued without me, “Partners are bad news”, I recall him saying.

Recently he came to mind so I called upon him. He has retired from his lucrative occupation so was disappointed to see me. I afforded him the courtesy of a date rather than my customary vagueness.

As I was leaving, he offered me something of great value. I politely refused. To profit in such a way would not befit a messenger from the gods.

We shall never meet again


Continue Reading In your pocket?

Is that

She saw me from the other side of the room and came straight over.

She kissed me and gave me a hug. One of those hugs that go on just a bit too long.

She then stood back and, in a raised voice, said; “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”

It was all rather embarrassing and, people who know me, were twitching nervously.

I said; “It’s because I’m pleased to see you”.

There was nervous laughter amongst the spectators. I diffused the awkward scenario quite well, in my opinion.

The rest of the evening went ahead with little of note to report.

Is that a gun…” Of course, it was a gun. I like her: but not that much

Continue Reading Is that

Site Mechanics

On Monday 14th September I shall convert this site to Ultrafast PHP.

This site is now classed as ‘large’. Ultrafast PHP will:

• Provide Faster page response: up to 50% drop in the TTFB (time to first byte), which will make pages load faster;
• Provide Increased server capacity: the host node will be able to process about 20-30% more requests, which means it will be able to handle traffic spikes better;
• Facilitate Lower server memory usage: with up to 15% drop in memory usage, this vacates server resources for handling more traffic and faster;
•The Expected overall performance improvement should be 30%

Continue Reading Site Mechanics


I was presented with one of my Spanking Vouchers as if a fait accompli. I accepted the voucher explaining, if I say I will do something I will. This should come as no surprise to those who know me – she knows me now (in the nicest possible way: no woman is ever the worse from knowing me)

Continue Reading Knowing

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