Lady Andrea S.

Aileen’s photos

Hey everyone, it’s Aileen

She wants to show us some ‘pictures’ of when she was in Paris !

Apparently, they’re risqué

What a slut. I hope they’re of her fuckable tits.

Better still, of her arse and its inviting hole.

Maybe they’re of her doing stuff. The dildo was invented in Paris. By the Romans

Hold onto your hat and let’s find out:

Continue Reading Aileen’s photos

The Library Book

I had clamped Dame Beatrice’s enormous udders in my Black & Decker Workmate and was busy using my adapted vacuum cleaner to suck her nipples.

The vac nozzle was self-attached to her right nipple and was causing her entire right breast distress.

Everything was going well. I’m not mad so I came up with a reason for this painful and humiliating torture: she had to confess something that I knew but she had to tell me.

There was nothing for her to confess, it was a ruse.

I have adapted a battery-operated hammer drill to act as a high-powered dildo (large amounts of WD40 lubrication is essential). As I switched it on and began to insert it into her perfect ass hole she said (loudly); “STOP! I’ll confess”.

Let me tell you, what I heard shocked me to the core.

Miss Aileen S. failed to return a library book and got fined do I decided to punish her but she refused. Dame Beatrice heard of this effrontery so offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. Then Lady Andrea S. finds out about Aileen’s disobedience and, out of guilt & embarrassment over her daughter’s disobedience, offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. I didn’t tell her or Beatrice about having two identical offers. Then, guess what? Aileen, no doubt feeling guilty about her horrid treatment of me agreed to the original punishment. I didn’t tell any of the three sluts what the others had agreed to meaning I got to do all three.

All of that was planned: by the three sluts.

They had constructed this elaborate sham in order to all get what was intended for Aileen only.

I feel used

It’s not fair

Continue Reading The Library Book

The Library Book

I always thought I was a genius and now I have proof.

Miss Aileen S. failed to return a library book and got fined do I decided to punish her but she refused. Dame Beatrice heard of this effrontery so offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. Then Lady Andrea S. finds out about Aileen’s disobedience and, out of guilt & embarrassment over her daughter’s naughtiness, offered to take Aileen’s punishment, which I agreed to. I didn’t tell her or Beatrice about having two identical offers. Then, guess what? Aileen, no doubt feeling remorseful about her horrid treatment of me agreed to the original punishment. I didn’t tell any of the three sluts what the others had agreed to meaning I get to do all three. I am a genius with no match.

Continue Reading The Library Book

The Library Book

Lady Andrea S has learned of Miss Aileen S and her refusal to let me punish her for returning that library book late.

She, obviously, is distressed to learn of her daughter’s disobedience. That’s how Genghis Kahn started out – not returning library books by the due date.

She has kindly offered to substitute for Aileen and take everything Aileen should have endured.

I didn’t mention the fact Dame Beatrice has made an identical offer because I didn’t think it pertinent.

Dame Beatrice: wants tying up, tit fucking, sperm in her ear, no spanking and being left frustrated. Sucker


Lady Andrea S: also wants tying up, tit fucking, sperm in her ear, no spanking and being left frustrated. Double Sucker
Continue Reading The Library Book

Get in There

If you’re going to do a job: do it right. Lady Andrea S shows us (YOU) how to do it. Pay attention or do I have to do a video?
Continue Reading Get in There

The Library Book

In my article The Library Book I detailed the grossly unfair treatment of me by Miss Aileen S.

I know, horrid. Why do Tarts abuse me so when I’m a lovely and wonderful person with no faults worth mentioning?

Dame Beatrice, who is the best whore on the planet, has – quite rightly – taken pity on poor me and said I can do all the things I wanted to do to Miss Aileen S to her instead.

What a woman. All other women are just twats compared to Dame Beatrice.

Four Cans

In order to bond her tits together for tit fucking purposes I shall take four cans of Twat Cooling Spray which should be enough for the task

Continue Reading The Library Book

The Library Book

Mesopotamian financial processes and the relation to socio-economic practices of the modern world by S. Herbert (2019, Oxford University Press, ISBN: 9781074474447)

I was shocked and stunned to learn Miss Aileen S had been tardy with a library book and returned it three days late.

The book, “Mesopotamian financial processes and the relation to socio-economic practices of the modern world” must be a popular book and in demand. It is correct; therefore, she received a 3euro fine (plus 100euros admin fee) for its overdue return.

Where would we be if we allowed people to just return library books whenever they felt like it? Anarchy, Chaos, War – that’s where we’d be.

It’s got fuck all to do with me so I have decided to teach the tart a lesson.

What I shall do is strip her naked but leave her panties in situ.

I shall then, using my Tart Ties*, secure her to the bed spread-eagled, face up.

I will then bond her udders together using my Twat Cooling Spray being careful where the adhesive is squirted so I can tit fuck the fuck out of her tits for fucking ages. I’m not mad, I shall devote a large amount of time to her right nipple. The left shall go unpunished because it’s innocent as regards this whole library book affair.

100 Euros (admin fee)

I shall delay ejaculation for as long as I can. When the time comes, I shall attempt, from between her breasts, to jet my cum into her ear – I’ve not decided yet whether it will be her right or left ear though I’m partial to the idea of the left one which seems right.

After this, I shall toss my hair back and look sexy as fuck so she thinks I’ll fuck her – which I won’t.

I’ll then rearrange her on the bed this time securing her face down using my Tart Ties*

Using scissors, I shall dispense with her panties and then make a great dramatic show of preparing to spank her.

Guess what? I won’t spank her. It will drive her bonkers. I’ll then run off down the stairs laughing like a Banshee.

That’ll teach the Tart.

*Tart Ties: invented by Lord Sywwow in 2016; they are a secret and can only be seen if you visit him or, worse still, he comes to you (which he sometimes does, but only with an invitation)

Update: You wankers, why did you let me blab my plans on here so she could read them and tell me I can’t do any of the above?
It’s not fair. Why’s she being so horrid?
I’m so sad now.

It’s not fair


Continue Reading The Library Book


I know all about the fantasies you tarts have. Every single one of them.

Many, or all, of you fantasize about threesomes.

Ergo I have tasked Lady Andrea S. to produce a report on threesomes so we all know what it’s all about:

Continue Reading Threesomes

Two Tart Ensemble

By, Fashion Editor, Miss Aileen S., Milan

Emerging Fashion Empire, Fashion by Sywwow, has revealed its new design for the hotel and bedroom: “The Two Tart Ensemble”.

“The Two Tart Ensemble”
Continue Reading Two Tart Ensemble

The things girls do

Some time ago I was embroiled in something of a scandal which we need not go into here.

Dealing with several governments it was, of all people, The United States of America who came to my aid: “We do not supress freedom of speech in The United States of America”.

It transpires, I can do all sorts in PRINT which I can’t do elsewhere, such as on a website. My legal advisors tell me a pdf intended to be “printed out to enable studying for academic reasons” is classed as printed material.

Ergo, my pdf, “Women with Animals” is available here to download and PRINT for you to study for academic reasons

Note: The download will be refused in a number of countries

DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS if you do not want to see women pictured, explicitly, with animals

Continue Reading The things girls do

A Frightful Business

As you may be aware, poor Sywwow (a great & wonderful man) was subjected to a sexual ordeal by two great looking tarts.

They did a number of things to him which are too explicit to mention here but its fair to assume they did all the things to him that you would like to do to him – yes, especially that.

Sywwow is a shy & delicate man who wouldn’t dream of doing anything naughty: unlike these pair of scallywags.

Here’s a wanted poster showing the culprits – caught on CCTV

“They made me kiss their bottom holes”

Continue Reading A Frightful Business

Xhamster Video Test

Ok Tarts, listen up.  We’re now going to test an XHamster Video Embed using the site’s video player function.

As a precaution, it won’t appear on the Home Page (You must press ‘Continue Reading‘)

The vid may not play on some mobiles & devices but should be ok on PCs

Continue Reading Xhamster Video Test

Paying guest

When the doorbell rang, I didn’t expect to see such a good-looking guy in his thirties and very smartly dressed.

I invited him in and offered him a drink in the living room.

Although we’d had extensive conversations via email, I just assumed he would be an old fart with a beer gut. I was beginning to get jealous of this visitor.

The sordid business of cash had been dealt with via PayPal so we didn’t have that to tackle. The pleasantries over, I said I’d go and get her providing she’d finished prettying herself up as all ladies do.

Lady Andrea was in the bedroom looking immaculate, fully made up with a lovely blouse and extremely tight-fitting jeans.

Lovely Lady Andrea S.

I said to her; “You can still change your mind. There’s no problem if you’d rather not”.

She shook her head, “I’m okay”.

I went to kiss her for reassurance but she held up her hand; “Don’t. You’ll mess my lipstick up”.

What’s he like?”, she asked.

A bit of an ugly twat”, I replied.

I took her trembling hand and held it all the way to where he was waiting before presenting it into his, saying; “Here she is for you”.

He kissed her hand and stood back to get a full look at her. “You are very attractive”, he told her. What a smarmy git.

She thanked him and they kissed.

I’ll leave you two love birds to get acquainted”, I said as I left the room. They barely noticed.

Continue Reading Paying guest

Beatrice by Banksy

At last Banksy has done some art worth looking at with his portrait of Beatrice.

Entitled; “I’d Spank that Arse”, I think its his best work since “Look at the Tits on that Tart” (1998).

“I’d Spank that Arse” (Banksy, 2020)
Continue Reading Beatrice by Banksy

Lady Andrea’s Adventures in Wonderland

Contained within the Shooting Lounge at The Mansion is an attractive Edwardian Drinking Cabinet. Contained therein is an eclectic range of alcoholic drinks and concoctions. It is rarely used as the usual location for such requirements is the Globe. The Globe contains other delights & wonders of which we shall say no more.

Lady Andrea, who can do whatever she pleases as far as I’m concerned, decided to peruse the contents within the cabinet. Her eyes fell upon a bottle cleary marked “Don’t Drink Me”. In actual fact it was labelled “Trunk much night” – oh the irony.

Being partial to guzzling all sorts of liquids she polished it off in one.

Also therein was a cake. Emblazoned upon it were currants (I think they were currants) arranged to spell “Don’t Eat Me”. Ironically, as it turns out, this was spelled thusly: “ISS much night”. She didn’t eat all of it: just half. Then she ate the other half.

Then, she slept the sleep of the innocent.

When she awoke, she was well pissed off:

Continue Reading Lady Andrea’s Adventures in Wonderland

How to Swallow Sperm

Tarts say to me all the time: “D’Artagnan, how do I swallow sperm properly and not fuck it up and look like a twat?

I then have to show them, repeatedly, how to do it to a standard I deem acceptable. I do this out of the kindness of my heart because I’m so lovely you just want to kiss me and hold me tight (You do – I know you do)

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking how to help out Tarts whom can’t be bothered to contact me using the contact form and arrange personal tuition with optional Spanking and Topless Chess.

What I’ve done is team up with some slut and produce an educational video for you Tarts to study. If you do precisely as she does then you’ll be doing it correctly.

Even if you’re an experienced cum swallower I would recommend this video to brush up on your technique or just to see a whore swallowing some cum:


And, it’s less than one calorie. I studied all this for my Cum Calculator App because I’m a professional – I don’t just get Tarts to swallow my spunk for the fun of it

Continue Reading How to Swallow Sperm

Amazone Reports on Dame Beatrice

Special Correspondent Amazone finds out all there is to know about Dame Beatrice

my tits are superior

Hello, it’s me.


Special Correspondent Amazone.

I’m a big fan of yours and your cutting-edge journalism

I am good, very good indeed.

You are.

I am. You’ve got fantastic tits

So have you but mine are better

I wouldn’t go that far. Let’s agree to differ but my tits are superior – I need to find out all about you for

mine are better

Sywwow is great, isn’t he?

That goes without saying: He’s so great

He is so great

He is so great

He is

He is

Special correspondent Amazone makes all other journalists look like total wankers which, in fact, they are

Continue Reading Amazone Reports on Dame Beatrice

The Nature of Genius

Miss Aileen S and I were engrossed in a philosophical debate on the nature of genius.

had been plotting something or other

Through the course of human existence there has been only ever been several real geniuses. Leonardo Da Vinci was one whilst Einstein was not. We were debating this very point when who barges in? No, it was Dame Beatrice. Following close behind was Lady Andrea S.

I could tell by the cheeky grin on Dame Beatrice’s face the pair of lesbian fuck-buddies had been plotting something or other.

Lady Andrea could barely contain herself and said she needed punishing. She then poured forth a list of trivial and minor indiscretions of such meekness they were barely worth a moment’s thought.

Dame Beatrice, meanwhile, is nodding and looking shocked as each insignificant misdemeanour was trotted out.

Andrea demanded she be punished. I explained these were not cause for admonishment, that she was forgiven and to worry no more.

demanded she be punished

I hoped she would let Aileen and I return to our discussions but no. Beatrice said Andrea needed ‘taking in hand’ and the Lady in question was now demanding I deal with her ‘harshly’.

Acquiescing to the pair of cunt munchers I decided on a suitable punishment, aided by the increasingly keen, Beatrice: 25 hard spanks to her naked bottom, ten strikes with the cane to each bum cheek, 11 minutes of severe grasping and kneading of the breasts and the insertion of a large object into the ass-hole which was to remain there all day and, finally, this was to be ‘independently witnessed by a disinterested party – Dame Beatrice

Once this was agreed the plan concocted by the two cunts was revealed when Andrea said; “Ha!”, pointing at Aileen; “She did all those things too, so you’ll have to do it to her”.

I had been entrapped by a pair of fanny fingering fuckers.

Poor Aileen then had to endure: 25 hard spanks to her naked bottom, ten strikes with the cane to each bum cheek, 11 minutes of severe grasping and kneading of her breasts and the insertion of a large object into her ass-hole which was to remain there all day and, finally, this was independently witnessed by a ‘disinterested’ party – Dame Beatrice.

As the shocked and hurt Aileen tried to sit comfortably with a medium sized courgette in her bottom my attentions turned to Andrea. Had she not agreed to this punishment? Yes, she fucking well had.

She knows who Einstein is. The other two tarts think ‘Einstein’ is a single glass of beer. Yes, what idiots: “A single glass of beer”. ffs: you couldn’t make it up

Ergo, the tricky trickster was subjected to: 25 hard spanks to her naked bottom, ten strikes with the cane to each bum cheek, 11 minutes of severe grasping and kneading of her breasts and the insertion of a large object into the ass-hole which was to remain there all day and, finally, this was independently witnessed by a party who could see what was coming next – Dame Beatrice.

As Andrea stood sulking in a corner, unable to site because of a door knob up her arse, my attentions turned to Dame Beatrice.

She dutifully disrobed knowing at any time I could rattle out a number of things she has done which warrant the most severe punishments I have available.

I love Beatrice, that smile, fucking hell. However, I am a professional and therefore subjected her to: 25 hard spanks to her naked bottom, ten strikes with the cane to each bum cheek, 11 minutes of severe grasping and kneading of the breasts and the insertion of a large object into her ass-hole which was to remain there all day and, finally, this was independently witnessed by two very interested parties – Lady Andrea S and Miss Aileen S who were horrified but pleased when I managed to insert an oversized cucumber up her anus.

All three of them look a little put out – or put in – as they can’t sit down. On the bright side, in six hours’ time a new day will begin and I’ll let them free up their arses for other activities.

Who is the victor in this tale of plots, schemes and hoodwinking? Fuck Knows. Me probably.

Continue Reading The Nature of Genius

Amazone Reports on From Britain with Love

Special Correspondent Amazone finds out all there is to know about the new film From Britain with Love by speaking to, Co-Producer, Lady Andrea S.:

It’s me

Hello, it’s me.


Special Correspondent Amazone.

Are you that slut on

Yes. Are you that other slut on


Tell me about the film From Britain with Love

You’re in it aren’t you?


it’s written by Sywwow

Well, You’ll know

Yes, but I need to do a story about it.

Well, firstly, it’s written by Sywwow.

Sywwow is great isn’t he?

Oh, let me tell you, he’s so great I can’t tell you.

He is so great

He is so great

He is

He is

Another fine piece of journalism by Special correspondent Amazone

Continue Reading Amazone Reports on From Britain with Love

I watch a Video

When I entered the living room who was in there? No. Lady Andrea S.

On her knees sucking a cock.

I didn’t recognise its owner. “This is Frank, he’s an old friend”, she quickly said before returning his penis to her slimy gob.

Frank my arse. She picked him up at McDonald’s. Yes, I know. I know everything, absolutely everything. Of course, I know about that, I know all about that and have done since you did it.

I, as you could imagine, was furious. We had all agreed to never go to McDonald’s because of the rain forest, global warming or some other stupid reason which seemed important at the time.

Frank, perturbed at this interruption, hurried things along and face fucked the slut. Choosing to cream her face, he messed her up quite nicely getting some in her hair which is always a good finishing touch for a Tet de Fuck.

Pulling up his trousers, he filled in her card and had left the building before she’d even finished collecting his spunk from her face and consuming it like the greedy whore she is.

I checked her card and was astounded at what I found:

Fucking hell !

Lady Andrea S. is the best cock sucking slut there is. How dare he give her such a rubbish review which, nevertheless, will be dutifully entered on her excel spreadsheet (Cock sucking Section)

I reasoned, by the time I collected, assembled and primed my rifle, he’d be long gone so ordered her to follow me, on her hands and knees, to the kitchen.

By the time she arrived I had a laptop on the kitchen table. I ordered her beneath the table out of my sight. Once under there she eventually figured out the task at hand and sucked me dry whilst I watched a fantastic video of Sarah at a casting session. I watched it on repeat so soon pumped my load into Andrea’s fucked face. Entitled Casting it’s an excellent video. I’ll put it on and it will reside here

She was emerging, without permission I might add, when who comes in? No. It was Aileen with a delightful friend who I can’t name because I’ve not thought up a name yet.

What were they carrying? No, it was a fucking McDonald’s. Before I had chance to drone on about the environment and other crap, she handed me a bag so I shut up and ate the contents contained therein.

They hadn’t brought one for Lady Andrea but she’d had more than enough to eat already. So, I rummaged through a selection of my Order Cards and gave her an annoying one:

Do as it says: It’s an order

We ate our meal enjoying it and chatting about various things but primarily how great I am and my many achievements such as that article featuring me in The Daily Mirror – you know the one I am referencing.

I created a diversion and, during the commotion, swapped my Milkshake for Aileen’s and profited from the con to the tune of half a milkshake and a handful of fries.

Meanwhile, slut of the century, is trying to disguise the fact she’s climaxing. Where on the card did it say she was to cum? Nowhere.

Having scoffed the McDonalds including the bizarre Apple Pie and the excellent coffee I decided I would have to discipline Lady Harlot for being out of control. I made our excuses and took her to the garage and tied her to the excellent wooden X I made (or rather outsourced to have made) and whipped her most cruelly.

She’s still down there now with a broom handle up her arse as I write this and chat to Aileen and Janice about the achievements of The Emperor Augustus, son of Caesar so, therefore, son of a god.


If you contact me, I shall send you an order card, picked at random. You can have it with my compliments but must do precisely what is written on the card because it is an order from ME.

Continue Reading I watch a Video

From Britain with Love

***Press Release***

From Britain with Love” is set to change movies forever.

Quote: Lady Andrea S.: Co-producer & Second Lead: “I tripped when I saw the script, Cats, it’s dreamy. I’m jazzed. Cool, ice, epic, a masterpiece, psychedelic, oooozing, I love it”.

Quote: Sywwow: Producer: “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star how I wonder what you are. They’re pinpricks into the firmament beyond and, if I had a ladder of such a length, I could climb through one and look at everything there ever is and ever was”.

Miss Aileen S.: Co-Star: “Perrrrrfect. Purrrrrr, Purrrrrr. I am a cat. A little kitty cat watch as I lick my paws, my lovely paws. Purrrrr”.

Ms. Amazone: Co-Star: “Take a journey into your own mind see if you can tell where you really are because it isn’t what you think. Where is that place you’ve been but never were? Why would you know when there is an answer but the question is opaque. It’s no mystery, it’s an illusion in a drop of dew. Morning dew”.

From Britain with Love, Sywwow Films, release date tbc, Warner Brothers Distributor, D’t Sywwow, Dir.,



Lady Andrea S. Sywwow Films


Notes to editors: All enquiries via usual route. Images released for use, proviso credit sywwow



Continue Reading From Britain with Love


It’s her

Lady Andrea S. denies the picture from 1926 is her.

It’s not me“.


It’s her.

She denied being in that calendar when it was her in that calendar.

It was her in that calendar

When those photos of me in Blackpool emerged, I had the honesty to admit it was me after I secured ownership and ensured no-one would ever see them again. My initial denials were because I’m a lying twat prone to lying.

Miss Aileen, said; “It’s not my mom”. What a fibber.

Dame Beatrice said; “You fucker Sywwow, I read what you said in Teat Time 5. I’m going to punch you in the bollocks”. This has no bearing regarding the matter at hand.

For some time now I have been aware there are others with a time machine.

Tesla’s plans were available in some libraries until they disappeared. Someone with the required genius could build one. This, of course, would rule Lady Andrea out. She must have stolen it.


Continue Reading 1926

Lady Andrea Captioned again

Why not? She’s a Slut

She’s called ‘GG’ in this because she doesn’t want you to know it’s her (Lady Andrea S.) which it is (her). Obviously

That looks like Lady Andrea S.

Continue Reading Lady Andrea Captioned again

Sywwow Assaulted, Badly. It’s terrible

A Special Report by Special Correspondent Amazone

It’s fucking terrible.

A pair of sluts took advantage of poor Sywwow’s good nature and his wish to help everyone and hoodwinked him into taking his trousers off before subjecting him to an ordeal involving sexual activities.

The cunning cunts wore masks so no-one will ever know who they were although it wasn’t me and my mom because we weren’t there.

The German Cunts wore masks so no-one will know it’s them which it clearly isn’t.

The things they did were bizarre & disgusting. You know all the things you’d like to do to the twat – they did them and a lot more besides.

They didn’t spank him though, idiots. Oh, who am I kidding: they spanked his bare ass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha, as someone I know would say.

I don’t wish to talk about it”, said the great twat. “But I will”, continued the jerk. He then went on for ages about what they had done but I wasn’t listening.

Did you know Elephants never forget? Or is it mice? No, an elephant never forgets a mouse.

I know loads of stuff which is why I’m a Special Correspondent. I even know who those two sluts were but I’ll not let anyone know I know in case the German whores panic and decide not to do him again.

If they are thinking of having their despicable way with him again: The idiot leaves his back-door key under a plant pot by the door: a plant pot with no plant in it so, really, it’s just a pot.

They’ve already thoroughly used his back-door so they should use it again – see how he likes it.

A Special Report by Special Correspondent Amazone

Continue Reading Sywwow Assaulted, Badly. It’s terrible

I use Spy Craft to escape having a meal

After entertaining Lady Andrea S. to a lovely meal for one I expected some form of retaliation or payback. A plot even.

It came as no surprise when, surprisingly, an email turned up from Miss Aileen S warning of a plot against me:

Dear Sywwow you perfect perfect perfect man,

My mom is plotting against you and has got a plot all plotted out.

By, the way, milk my udders as soon as you can – you said you would, so do it.

Back to the plot, she is going to say she’s cooking you a lovely meal and you have to dress nicely. Not wear that flamboyant Oscar Wilde crap – or that bloody cape.

When you turn up, she’s going to say you look really nice and well presented. She’s then going to say she’s overcome with passion and wants to have sexual intercourse with you straight away, no messing about, immediately.
Just for good measure she’s going to tell you she wants you to ejaculate your semen into her award-winning cunt.

This is where the plot thickens. When you’re in the bedroom (the plot thickens) she’s going to say her desire is thus that she feels she needs to mount you like a rampant hussy but wants to tie you up to enable this.

Once you’re tied up: she’s going to Shit in your mouth.

The plot is fool-proof. She rehearsed it all with me, fool-proof I tell you, fool-proof.

Love Miss Aileen S.
PS Don’t forget to milk my udders

This is irrelevant


Well, you could have knocked me down with a train. What skulduggery.

This plot may be ‘fool-proof’ but I’m one fool that can’t be proofed – as sure as eggs are chicken poo.

Sure enough: “Sywwow you perfect perfect perfect perfect man, I’m cooking you a lovely meal so you have to dress nicely. Not wear that flamboyant Oscar Wilde crap – or that bloody cape”.

Sure enough: I’m in her kitchen where, I might point out, there are no signs of culinary preparation; steaming pots & pans and the like.

“What do you think?”, I asked, referring to my attire.

You look smart but why are you wearing a dress?”

“My lovely sweetheart and loveable love (Don’t I sound great) you are mistaken, for it not be a skirt but a kilt the tartan of which is from mine own clan the Clan -redacted- whom, I may add, are the most notorious of all the Highland clans.
A treacherous tribe of villains, cut-throats and thieves you never did see. Plus, some of us are lawyers and not averse to issuing writs and summonses. I know this from experience.

Why, should this tartan be insulted by, say, a stain or some dirt of some kind, the clan would not rest until the person responsible was hanging from an oak tree. It must be oak mind, must be oak, for it be the way of the Clan -redacted-.”

Well”, she said, “at least you look really nice and well presented…”

“I bet you’re overcome with passion and wants to have sexual intercourse with me straight away, no messing about, immediately. Well, let me tell you, I’m bang up for this notion of yours and, just for good measure, I want to ejaculate my semen into your award-winning cunt”.

You’ve read my mind”.

Plotting against me. ME. I never did fuck all to any fucker

Sure enough: we end up in the bedroom and I remove all of my clothes taking special care with the kilt for I do not wish to end up as a corpse dangling from an oak tree.

Sywwow, darling (here we go) my passion is thus that I feel I need to mount you like a rampant hussy. I need to tie you up to enable this”.

“My love, my sweetheart, my gorgeous blonde fuckable whore (don’t I sound great) by all means do this very thing you have set your heart upon”.

Sure enough: I’m quickly secured to the bed. Tied.

However, and though but, did she use my Tart Ties?: Did she fuck. It took me 3.7 seconds to escape, secure her to the bed securely with my Tart Ties and then, quick as you like, I did a shit in her mouth.

Game. Set. Match.

Postscript. I wasn’t going to mention this but, after a series of misunderstandings and a demonstration of my Tart Ties, I ended up secured next to Lady Andrea S. Miss Aileen then did a shit in my mouth.
At a point in time useless to me I received an email from Dame Beatrice:

Dear Sywwow you perfect perfect perfect perfect man,

Those two sluts, Andrea & Aileen, have got a shit plan worked out where they’re going to trick you so Aileen can do a shit in your mouth. I know you won’t fall for it but I thought I’d tell you anyway.

Dame Beatrice
Don’t forget, you said you would brand your initials on my fucking excellent award-winning ass and fuck with my tits

Beatrice’s arse – unbranded


It is worth noting: If I say I’m going to do something – I do that very thing. Every single time, without fail

Continue Reading I use Spy Craft to escape having a meal

Teat Time Part Five

At the close of Teat Time Part Four our beloved hero Lord Sywwow had Beatrice, seemingly, at his mercy awaiting what pleasures he would deliver upon her ample bosoms.

The misfortunate pair of tarts, Lady Andrea & Miss Aileen S. had been abused most dreadfully and were left secured to chairs like torture victims – which in fact they were. A pitiful sight – fuck all to do with Sywwow incidentally: Beatrice did it.

Beatrice was set to test lovely Sywwow to see if he was any good at abusing tits or just a twat. She had set herself up as Judge, Jury, Executioner and biased court reporter working for the BBC who’ve always had it in for Sywwow since that SWAT business.

What is to become of Sywwow? Will he survive this ordeal by fiery teacher or will he learn his lesson?

Let’s find out in Teat Time Part Five.


I read all that shit she said about me in Teat Time Part Four and was most put out I must say.

I’d rather let the whole thing go but honour dictates I gain satisfaction. Plus, her plus-sized mammeries do tempt me so.
Not only that but this: Seldom does one encounter a tit owner who is so in want of tit abuse of the class I excel in.

I looked at Lady Andrea and Miss Aileen. Their tits were in a sorry state and they had both been subjected to terrible treatment & torment. Fuck all all to do with me, I was an only a concerned bystander helpless as Beatrice did things to them with some help from me.

Would you mind enormously if I were to give you a kiss, you being so beautiful?”, I said to Dame Beatrice.

She shrugged her shoulders so I kissed her with every sinew of passion I could muster which, I assure you, is overwhelmingly great.

As I released her from my tight embrace and from the attentions of my lips & tongue, she let out a sigh and looked at me as if to say; “What the fuck was that?”

I took the opportunity to flick her nipples before saying most politely; “May I secure you so as to access your breast with greater efficiency than otherwise?”

Yes”, she replied with a hint of irritation.

I produced my Tart Ties and explained their operation to Beatrice who was suitably impressed. I then secured her four limbs to the chair and asked her to try and release herself. She tried and tried – fruitlessly.
Satisfied she was now at my disposal I grabbed those huge & perfect breasts and subjected them to as much twisting fondling and fierce grabbing as one could imagine. I then gave each the hardest slap they’d ever had in their tit abuse curriculum.

Just for good measure, I slapped her face with more power than she had used on mine – that’s for certain.

Her response was to shake her glorious hair and throw back her cheeky face as if to laugh at me.

I looked at the pair of fucked up sluts who appeared to be quite enjoying the show. I took pity on them as I am such an all ’round excellent guy. I released Aileen and told her to do likewise with her mother.

I ordered the pair of lesbians to bathe together and attend to their injuries before going to bed and caress each other until I deigned to attend upon them.

Lady Andrea objected saying she wanted to witness my destruction of Beatrice. Such things are not for gentle ladies such as her & her lovely daughter. My silence was enough for her to take Aileen’s hand and waft off to their appointed tasks – she knows well it unwise to cause me to repeat an order.

Soon it was just Beatrice and I.

Soon it was just Beatrice and I
Continue Reading Teat Time Part Five

The Right Here Affair

I entered the bedroom on a quest to retrieve my pen of pure gold, yes, pure gold – did you know it is illegal to own something made from pure gold? Well you do now.

As I made for the bedside cabinet where I knew it to be, for, you tend to keep track of items of special value (which is why I installed trackers inside my favourite tarts).

Lying on the bed, wearing practically nothing, and acting very seductive & sexy was Lady Andrea S. – what a slut.

I pretended not to notice her stroking her perfect cunt with her middle finger.

I want you to fuck me right here”, she said.

“I want you to fuck me right here”, she said. You heard her: “I want you to fuck me right here”, she said.

For fucks’ sake. I was going to use my pen and write a poem about the collapse of the Fiat money system and dwindling bond yields. I reasoned I could spare the time because, sometimes, this sort of thing can be dealt with in a disappointingly short period.

I dropped my trousers to my ankles and swiftly entered the cunt’s cunt in the missionary position, for expediency. Oh yes, I’ve always got an erection or semi when I’m near Lady Andrea.

I was beginning to enjoy fucking the twat and thoughts of poetry turned to a list of things I suddenly wanted to do to her and her excellent vagina. Not to mention her clit and, possibly, her anal passage.

I detected a lack of response from the tart beneath me so, propping myself up, I looked at her and said; “What is the matter my sweet love?”. Don’t I sound great.

I said, I wanted you to fuck my right ear”.

I thought you said you wanted me to fuck you right here?”

No. I said, I wanted you to fuck my right ear”.

It would seem she wanted me to fuck her right ear: right here. So, we were both wrong although I was less wrong than her.

I always give tarts what they want. I’m known for it (amongst tarts, who secretly talk about me when I’m not about – I know you do. Especially YOU).

I removed myself from within her and, it seemed right at the time, removed the clothing which had caused me to trip over when attempting to get to this ear she so wanted fucking.

Once at the hole in question I attempted to get my prick inside it. Impossible of course, but you never know.

I smeared her ear entirely and thrust in and at it.

Then the complaining loon breaks the mood again with; “I said, I wanted you to fuck my right ear”.

It transpires her right is my left and my left would be, in turn her right. This is the sort of fuck up where, in hospitals, they chop the wrong leg off or give you a penis enlargement instead of a tattoo removal which they then they to give you for free (and the enlargement) because it was all their fault which led to a satisfactory result all ‘round in my opinion.

Faced with the chore of having to go all the way to the other side of the bed I came up with a compromise and made her lie with her head at the foot of the bed so as I could access this all-important right ear without going to any trouble.

The silly tart had put her head too far down the bed so I took the opportunity of throat fucking the bitch. A bite soon saw an end to this plan and, after she re-positioned her stupid empty head. I did in fact fuck her ear. I used my hand to guide my wayward cock and probed it, its hole, and its entirety – front & back.

She, meanwhile, was getting herself off with the fingers of both hands.

Her right ear in its innocent virginal state

I played with her wonderful nipple as a sort of side dish which then caused an internal reaction leading to ejaculation.
I held her head so the ear was parallel to the bed and jerked off into her earhole which quickly overflowed with my spunk. Some of which made its way across her face towards her mouth. I was quite impressed by my sperms determination to get into her gob.

I don’t know why but I stuck my little finger in her ear, attempting to get the cum inside her I guess, but it sat there as a puddle in the cavity.

She was opening her mouth as if trying to clear her ear. Some of my plucky spunk made use of this and entered her slut trap.
She lay motionless.

Well, I fucked your right ear”.


I said I fucked your right ear”.


I had, unknowingly, taken her right ear’s virginity and she was reflecting upon this.

I left her lying in this cum-in-ear position. I was a little confused over the whole affair.

I then proceeded in a Westerly direction and found Miss Aileen S. in the living room reading a book about Greek Philosophy – isn’t she wonderful. I told her all about the right ear affair and its fucking thereof in the hope she may want her right ear fucking or, maybe, the left one.

It transpired she didn’t want her ear fucking so we did something else.

Continue Reading The Right Here Affair

A meal for one

As some of you may know, I delight in giving tarts what they ask for, need or desire. A happy co-incidence is many of you wish to feel palm on flesh and instruct me to deliver a spanking or far, far worse.

I try to give you tarts what you wish for.

Be very careful what you wish for, lest your wish come true

It was in the fading light of evening where I was to be found pacing about somewhat agitated awaiting the arrival of a blonde beauty whom, finally, appeared at the door fumbling with her keys. Such was my particular need to see her, I hurriedly opened the door and let her in.

A kiss and I was soon leading her to the kitchen.

I paused to look at the delight which is she. Looking a picture of perfection, she was dressed most stylishly in a skirt and jacket with a beautiful blouse. Chanel, complete with matching perfume. It crossed my mind I had been a tad misleading when I said she was to have a meal courtesy of myself.

This seemed confirmed as she looked about perhaps expecting to see steaming pots or other culinary preparations.
Some of you ladies out there have certain desires which may never be spoken of unless to me. Lady Andrea S. had such a desire. A desire, a wish, a taste for something special.

Recently she had, without knowing the significance, used the word ‘please‘ a word which can never be ignored by one such as I.

With increasing urgency, I removed my clothing, thinking it the best way forward, and told her to do so too.

I was soon sans clothes though I still had my socks on as a matter of style.

She, meanwhile, had only removed her jacket – what an idiot.

Time was now of the essence so, using an adapted judo manoeuvre, I wrapped a leg around hers and laid her swiftly on her back on the floor.

She was protesting so I explained, “I’m going to shit in your mouth”.

As best I could, I had planned for this but, not being expert in these matters, I had to do it immediately. Time was of the essence.

I would judge it to be a seven on a scale of one to ten of my turds. It was delivered smoothly as a single package.

Not knowing the best way, I had squatted over her with me facing her feet.

I got up slightly, turned around and, now on my knees, saw my shit in her wide-open mouth.

Her eyes were watering and, surprisingly, she closed her mouth and began to chew.

From time to time she opened her mouth to reveal the dark brown, sticky mess filling her gob sticking to her teeth. It looked a bit like when I tried, and failed, to eat an Easter egg in one go to avoid sharing it.

She had difficulty in swallowing so I fetched her a glass of water to help things along. She took a lady-like sip periodical as she masticated the vile stinking substance.

It was an enthralling sight viewing this gorgeous creature defiled and humiliated in such a fashion. It seemed an age before it was consumed. Even then it was stuck in her teeth and to the inside of her mouth.

Coughing she said; “Kiss me, please”. I ignored the word ‘please’ in this instance using my skill of selective deafness and replied; “Fuck off you dirty slag”.

Normally one would wipe one’s arse with toilet paper or high denomination bank notes forged by one’s own hands. I decided the sensible thing to do was use her.

Ergo I returned to my former position but this time sat firmly on her face with my arsehole on her mouth. Like a good girl, she licked and sucked cleaning my hole of all filth and residue.

She then pulled my cheeks apart trying to gape me to get her tongue inside. I am pleased to say, unlike her, my arsehole is tight not being subjected to cocks, dildos & objects of all shapes and sizes being regularly up there.

The sensation was of tickling but, as I became used to her oral attentions, nature took its course and I had a hard-on fit for a Lord – which I am.

I thought this erotic scenario was lacking something – some tit abuse. I therefore spent a futile period dealing with her very expensive blouse. Frustration took over such was the urgency of getting to her tits that I just tore it open to get at them.
As she licked me clean and tried to anal fuck me with her tongue, I grasped her tits and twisted them. Her award-winning nipples got more than their fair share of action as I tugged and twisted them with even more force than usual. I could hear her trying to say something but she sounded muffled. I knew my nipple action was hitting home because her legs flayed about indicating I had exceeded her pain threshold.

For a laugh, I tried to get her nose in my arse and even managed a fart before letting her return to her tongue duties.
My cock could stand no more so I dismounted my toilet and suggested she cleaned herself up which she refused. She even suggested she shit in my lovely mouth.

I ordered her onto her hands and knees, hitched up her skirt and dropped her panties out of the way and fucked her up her arse – this seeming the most appropriate action.

As I fucked the slut she coughed, gagged, and even wretched but I rammed up her hole as hard as I could. She eventually was on her stomach as I finished inside her.

I fingered her cunt and found it well lubricated and up for action but, just to torment her, I decided to further degrade her by pissing all over her and her finery.

Ensuring she remained clothed I made her squat over a bowl and force out my cum from her arse. When she was drained, I made her eat the mess with a tiny little spoon whilst fucking herself with a wine bottle.

I thought shitting in a slut’s gob would be shit but it was great fun and I recommend you fill your tart’s gob with a turd right now this minute. If you’re a tart, you should beg your husband or partner to do it with the threat that I’ll do it if he won’t because I will – if you say ‘please’.

Lady Andrea S.: “It was okay

Continue Reading A meal for one

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