LydiE’s arse: Unharmed

LydiE, like all women (there are no exceptions whatsoever at all), is prone to exaggeration and hysterics.

As illustration of this: she was so worried about mad-cap singing sensation BarbarElla’s disappearance she decided to have a ‘great holiday & loads of fun’.

Whilst swimming she claims to have narrowly avoided having her arse bitten by a shark

Pfffttt

More likely she saw a small fish and completely over-reacted.

Here is the picture, judge for yourselves…

Fucking Hell

One arse: Unbitten. I rest my case

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The Drawers Affair

She’ll never find it in there. What an idiot.
Why would I hide it there?
I’m so good at hiding things even I don’t know where they are.
What a first-class loon of massive proportions to the max, times 8.5

Oh, ffs – she’d better not open the top drawer…

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Editorial rats

After the email I received earlier today, I just received an envelope from a courier service containing a copy of the dreaded Sun.
A publication that I had not yet seen, because usually these tabloids disappear right under the ass of my benevolent shitting and pissing cat.
Again, the editorial rats manipulated and mutilated the news.
This will not benefit me, my dear friend Jane and the production of the outstanding movie.
I think the two people behind this are familiar to me.
And I do not want to mention the names of a certain Lord and someone who claims to be my mother, whom I now also start to doubt about.

Click on to read the entire article those rats produced…

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Totally confused

Today I received a photo of LidiE on her estate by email.
In itself it is not so strange, she lives there and is often spotted.
The mail came from an unknown sender and there was a second message.
I shouldn’t be surprised if I would hear more about this photo soon.
And it would have to do not only with LidiE but also with me.
I am completely confused now. Is this a threatening email from a disgruntled fan or should I expect more.
I think I’ll take a good whiskey to forget it all.

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Thanks to LydiE

Today, on my 43rd birthday, I, the divine BarbarElla, received a gift from my partner.
The last painting of LydiE gave my future husband the unfortunate idea to equip me with a chastity belt.
This is to prevent me from resuming my old profession as a call girl and a hooker.
Until the day that I stand before the official to give him the yes, I will have to go through life with this belt under my clothes.
I will have to bear the inconvenience, just like the butt plug that is standard on the belt and that plagues my ass every day with every step I take.
Thanks LydiE. I am going to consider whether you are still welcome on my wedding day.

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A secret plan of great secretness

We’ve got a secret

My close and personal relationship with, pop star, artist & sex goddess, LydiE has taken some unexpected turns – and I don’t just mean regarding penetrative sex.

I’m sworn to secrecy regarding our new project because it’s top secret and there’s large sums of money involved. Not to mention that row with Keith (Richards) about his autobiography – which is all about himself, I might add.

I do tend to get over excited but I had to blurt some shit out to someone daft enough to listen. Ergo, I phoned BarbarElla.

Hello, it’s me here”.

This better not be about my mother you pervert”.

No, it’s about Tom (Cruise)”.

What about him?”

I don’t know”.

Sometimes my ineptitude regarding telling lies amazes me. Why didn’t I just say something about my new haircut or that business at The Palace?

Was it you who ruined the filming the other day at Pinewood?”

No, I wasn’t even wearing an orange suit”.

Listen you mother fucker, I have to go plop plop”.

What a lying tart.

All this talk of going plop plop made me want to go plop plop so I went to the water closet and phoned (Tom Cruise).
He answered on the third ring. How cool: “You twat, I know all about you fucking up the cabaret scenes at Pinewood. That cost them two million pounds and they’re three days behind schedule now”.

I didn’t even have a blue wig or eye patch”.

And I know all about you and LydiE and what you’re up to”.

She made me fuck her. I was there to do an interview but she made me do art. I only peed on her because she did it first. The other business was conceptual art of my own – I didn’t know she’d just redecorated”.

I don’t mean that I mean…”

Fucking hell. He knew all about our plans. How does he know all that? He’s so cool he’s like me. Cool.

After he finished telling me everything I knew he said; “I can’t talk now, I have to go plop plop”. What a cool lie, it’s like the sort of lie I would come up with.

I then decided to call Kate (Winslet) but got her voicemail: “Hello, you’ve reached Kate (Winslet). I can’t take your call at the moment because I’m going plop plop and it’s a big one. Please leave a message after the brief segment of the theme from Titanic”.

I panicked. I often panic when confronted with a voice mail. What’s worse is the silly tart hasn’t set a time limit so I blurted out all sorts of stuff including what LydiE did to me in the kitchen which, to my knowledge, has not been redecorated. I also blabbed all about our new project – going into unnecessary detail.

I’m not going to say another word about our film. That way, I can blame LydiE if all the stuff leaks out and gets in the press or on some website.

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The Sunday Times Magazine Supplement

The secret is out – or in

My recent visit to a country called France did not go as I had planned.

My in-depth interview with, pop legend, LydiE can’t really be called an interview at all.

Consequently, I had to return my advance to the NME who were very angry about the article I eventually sent them. Equally, The Hollywood Reporter were most dismissive and insulting.

Thankfully, my huge brain came to the rescue.

When I was being used as a plaything by LydiE she told me I was an “art project” ergo, I got on the phone and she readily agreed to bang out some paintings in addition to the considerable amount she had already done and sent to people such as Tom (Cruise), Kate (Winslet) and Barbar (Ella).

I cobbled all this material together, added some words and flogged it to those idiots at The Sunday Times Magazine Supplement.

I got a tidy sum, let me tell you. I had to give half to LydiE but there’s still enough to fund several months of disgraceful conduct (for me and her).

For copyright reasons you’ll have to buy The Sunday Times to see my “Art Report”.

Once their rights have expired, I can reproduce my masterpiece here – which I shall do.


I’d like to add, regarding some of the pictures, some things can appear smaller in paintings than they are in real life. It’s complicated and involves perspective. It’s a well-known phenomenon well discussed in academic circles. So, just to reiterate: something may look small but is actually big.

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Stunned …

I just received an e-mail from France.
There were two attachments.
My mom, LidiE,  has started painting again and has immortalized one of her visions on the canvas.
She has called them “Vision of Sywwow” 1 and 2.
I’m not sure what to think about it.

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