Sarah wants to share with us some pictures of “the best sight in Australia”.
I’m really looking forward to this.
I bet it’s Uluru. Or, Sydney Harbour Bridge, or the Great Ocean Road (Victoria); perhaps Fraser Island in Queensland or the Daintree Rainforest, also in Queensland; maybe Kakadu National Park, Darwin; Bondi Beach or Cradle Mountain, Tasmania.
Looking particularly pleased with themselves, two tarts are delighted with the results of their test.
Sarah, the blonde Tart, said; “The test was quite easy really and I didn’t fuck it up except for twice but that’s because my tits were itching because of that most excellent Twat Cooling Spray I’m paid to endorse”.
Julz, the other Tart, said; “I was impressed by the impartiality of it all and marvelled at the enormous resources which have gone into it to provide a reliable result in seconds. Furthermore, I’d say the genius behind it should get the Nobel Prize for this work although I suppose he must already have one. Or possibly two”.
Sarah then butted in; “When endorsing the most excellent product, Sywwow’s Twat Cooling Spray, I’m required to mention it is not suitable for twat cooling – a fact we both know from experience”.
“Yes”, interjected Julz, completely unnecessarily, “It stopped me Fucking for Fun for seven days. I had to do blow jobs instead and got a jaw ache”.
“Terrible”, added Sarah who is supposed to be flogging this stuff not agreeing with its perceived failings.
“It was you who squirted it on my Twat”.
“I did it for a laugh”.
“I didn’t laugh”
None of this seems to be about the Test to deduce whether you need spanking or not.
Listen up Tarts, I told you lot not to use my Twat Cooling Spray for Cooling your Twats. Its function is purely for gluing tits together and attaching skirting boards to walls without need of screws.
A user of my Twat Cooling Spray used it to Cool her Twat and, essentially, sealed it shut such is its adhesive excellence which is why it’s now for breast bonding.
The twattish twat whinged on for ages in an email complaining her twat was hotter than ever because it was closed off. She was also dripping on about how it was affecting her ability to work and have ‘fun’.
On the positive side, she informs me the coat hook which keeps falling off the door in the bathroom has now been fixed so permanently “you can swing off it”.
I won’t name this silly slut but take heed of her words; “I won’t used it on my twat anymore. That’s for sure. Instead, I’m going to get guys to use it on my tits when I’m fucking for fun”.
Reassuringly, she has sent some photos showing, after a mere seven days, countless baths and some WD40, her twat is back in full working order and open for business (and fun):
The forthcoming magazine “Tarts Tormenting Tarts” from Sywwow Publishing LLP will, naturally, feature Tarts Tormenting Tarts.
At a meeting held on Zoom where I dressed as a gorilla and no fucker noticed, I suggested using Sarah as a lead model because she’s well fuckable and, being based in Australia, can’t possibly get anywhere near me to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.
Everyone in the meeting was against this, preferring to use someone much closer to me, very very close to me, who would be better placed to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.
I overruled them because I’m in charge. Plus, I don’t take any notice of anyone because I’m always right.
Ergo, the shoot was organised and Sarah brought with her a Tart friend of hers to torment.
My attention has been drawn to a popular DIY site where instructions can be found regarding home maintenance tasks.
To say I was livid was an understatement.
My ‘Twat Cooling Spray’ is most certainly not a ‘gap filling grab adhesive’. How dare they.
My product was a genuine attempt to help Tarts, Sluts & Whores cool off their cunts in a safe & convenient manner. Its unfortunate adhesive qualities were soon apparent which is why it’s now recommended by any self-respecting tit abuser to bond breasts beautifully. It is NOT for fixing skirting boards to walls.
Some time ago I was embroiled in something of a scandal which we need not go into here.
Dealing with several governments it was, of all people, The United States of America who came to my aid: “We do not supress freedom of speech in The United States of America”.
It transpires, I can do all sorts in PRINT which I can’t do elsewhere, such as on a website. My legal advisors tell me a pdf intended to be “printed out to enable studying for academic reasons” is classed as printed material.
Ergo, my pdf, “Women with Animals” is available here to download and PRINT for you to study for academic reasons
Note: The download will be refused in a number of countries
DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS if you do not want to see women pictured, explicitly, with animals
Congratulations are due to The Sexiest Girl in the Southern Hemisphere, Sarah, who has landed the coveted Banana Girl gig for The Banana Association of Australia (Not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America).
Incidentally, I had an altercation with The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) over an informative piece I did entitled How to Catch a Blonde. I stand by every word of that article and challenge The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) to disprove my proven method for catching blondes with a banana.
That sordid business aside, The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) is a prestigious player in the international world of Bananas which, largely thanks to me, have seen sales increase lately especially amongst blondes.
The latest poster from The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) can be seen all over Sydney and other cities in Australia features Sarah’s lovely arse with a banana shoved up it.
Sarah was quoted in the Sydney Morning Herald as saying; “The latest poster from The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) can be seen all over Sydney and other cities in Australia features my lovely arse with a banana shoved up it”.
I know what you Tarts fantasize about, oh yes I do. Of course I know about that – it remains your secret known only to yourself, and me.
Some Tarts have the bravery & tenacity to contact me via my contact form and I, because I’m so lovely, facilitate their heart’s desires. Yes, I can, have and do arrange that. This is why you must be brave & tenacious to contact me via my contact form.
Up there in your Top 10 is having a BBC. Oh, yes it is.
In order to experience what this is like, I have assigned this task to Sarah.
Her report is with me now and requires some thought as how to best present it to you.
Meanwhile, the subject brings to mind a story where, in order to satisfy a Tart’s desires a guy painted his cock black. I know, how thoughtful of him.
When confronted with this the Tart was most dismissive and horrid saying it wasn’t big and wasn’t black. Isn’t that awful?
If your husband, partner, whatever paints his cock black in order to please you, what you should say is; “Oh, Sywwow, what a great idea. You’re so perfect, thoughtful and great. You’re everything Tart’s say about”. You should then do all those things for him you wouldn’t normally do out of sheer gratitude to this perfect man.
Sarah gets Blacked will be available for you to gawk at once I have dealt with a visitor who wants to…. Let’s leave that just there.