I get a phone call

Some gorgeous milf phoned me up so I, of course, was delighted.

My delight turned to despair as she went on and on and on about what a dreadful person I am and my many many faults.

Although, in countless ways, I am an outrageous individual and cause all sorts of trouble I am a delicate little flower. I simply can’t take any criticism or horribleness. I can dish it out but I can’t take it – this is well known.
Any form of denunciation triggers tears and depression in me so, please don’t do it.

This dear little kitten overheard the phone call because I had it on handsfree. Look how devastated she is. She mirrors how crestfallen I was. I had to hold her, cuddle her and stroke her for several hours speaking words of reassurance all the time. After a considerable period I brought happiness back into her tiny heart and she smiled once more. I’m so wonderful – wouldn’t you agree? DO NOT SAY SHIT THINGS TO OR ABOUT ME, please.

 

In defence of the lady who rebuked me so, I agreed to do something then didn’t do it. This is an extremely rare occurrence. When I say I’m going to do something I do it. In this particular case my impetuous nature overruled common sense. Even then, although I closed the door, I didn’t lock it.

I would never reveal who this lady was, it’s a private matter. Here’s some music:

 

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Isle of Wight Poetry Festival – Advice

I will be making a personal appearance on The Isle of Wight to read poetry from my forthcoming anthology: “My Life”.

John Cooper Clarke and I are keen to avoid a repetition of what occurred at the Hay on Wye Festival. Ergo, here is some advice:

If you want to prevent your wife, girlfriend, partner or sex doll running away with a great looking poet you should ensure she is unable to do so. This can easily be achieved by tying her to a radiator for the length of time the festival takes place (three days).

a banana

I understand this is extreme and ridiculous but I have suggested this as an emergency fix for the problem. A more sensible solution, if you forward plan, is to buy a cage and put her in there whilst the poets (me & John) are in town. She can be comfortable in there and you can ensure she’s okay by giving her a bowl of water and a banana – for sustenance. You can also provide some sandwiches in case she gets hungry.

Women are very resourceful when there’s prospect of being with me or John. Ergo, to cater for the inevitable, install a tracking device in her anus. That way, you can track her down with great ease when she escapes and ends up in our tent. Important: remember to remove the tracker before anal sex or it can cause injury to the penis (I speak from bitter experience).

Advice: I’m full of it

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Home Office Immigration Scandal (exclusive)

Information was passed to me recently by someone working at the Home Office.

I was outraged and distressed in equal measure.

Ergo, using my contacts and power I have resolved the issue.

Let me make this 100% clear: If you are coming to the UK to be spanked by me you will no longer face any problems with UK Immigration and need not worry about Visas and all that stuff.

Even if you are coming from dodgy or corrupt places such as Columbia, North Korea or the EU you will be granted access if your visit is to be disciplined by my good self.

When arranging to come to the UK I will give you a reference number. If there is any problem at immigration you simply quote my reference number and all will be well. Guaranteed.

I would like to thank all those who helped at the Home Office but I won’t because they did fuck all: they were ordered to do it by my close & personal friend, Boris.

Sywwow: If I say I’m going to do something – I bloody well do it

 

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The Chancellor’s Budgie (correction)

Once a year the Chancellor takes his BUDGET to the Houses of Parliament and presents it to the MPs who then discuss it.

Budget NOT Budgie

The Chancellor takes his budget to Parliament on March 11

 

He carries his Budget to The House in a shitty old red box called a ‘Despatch Box’. The second box carries sandwiches, a banana and a bottle of Californian wine (not French wine: Californian)
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The Frosting

Sometimes, maybe to feel
I go to where the lights went out
So few have seen such a thing
The pain is too much to bear
I can’t stay there long

Her little heart raced for me

Perhaps one lovely day
When the lights go out
for me

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The Chancellor’s Budgie

The UK is full of ancient traditions.

One of the more unusual pertains to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Once a year the Chancellor takes his Budgie to the Houses of Parliament and presents it to the MPs who then discuss it.

This year he will present his Budgie on March 11.

The Chancellor’s Budgie
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Lord Sywwow can’t appear on the Jeremy Vine Show because he’s saving the rain forest

Lord Sywwow was due to appear on The Jeremey Vine Show on BBC Radio2 this week. However, he had to go to the rain forest in order to save it.

The best man in the entire world was quoted as saying; “I’ve only just been released by my kidnappers. They realised it was wrong to hold me against my will when I have so much good to do in the world. I was desperate to ride over ON MY BICYCLE to do the wonderful Jeremy Vine Show hosted by man’s man Jeremy. But, and I mean but, this business about the rain forest got me so worked up I rode MY BICYCLE here instead in order to save it”.

Mr Vine, his production team and the legal department of the BBC would be well advised to let the whole matter drop right here and now. Or, and I mean or, do they want the ire of the world’s media and Twitter to rain down upon them for trying to punish the great Lord Sywwow for not appearing on his show when he wanted to do it but had the temerity of wishing to save the rain forest instead?

A disgruntled Twitter user (note the colour of her shirt). She’s very upset to learn of the BBC’s attitude and legal threats made to poor Lord Sywwow who is trying to save the rain forest. However, she may smile and be happy if she learns the whole matter of ‘non-appearance and breach of contract’ is dropped.

 

The Rain Forest – Lord Sywwow is busy saving it right now. This is why he can’t be on Jeremey’s show and ‘explain himself’

 

Lord Sywwow pictured on HIS BICYCLE
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Щоб мене знали

 

Ти мене любиш.
Ви знаєте, що ви робите.

Якщо ви цього не зробите:

Це шлях речей

Тільки щоб побачити цю посмішку
Робить моє життя вартим

 

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I get a call from Number 10

Dominic Cummings who is probably as mad as I am has been in touch barely minutes after me leaking stuff about the EU negotiations.

I like Dominic because he’s probably as mad as I am.

Therefore, I shall; “Keep my fucking big stupid mouth shut about the EU“.

I will not, however, shove a xxx up my arse and clean my teeth with it: that would not be physically possible and would be most inadvisable to even attempt.

I was going to blab what he said to my close & personal friend Boris but the phraseology & manner of delivery used seems familiar and makes me think Boris knows already.

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