Wahnsinnige aus England

Excellent Article about ME in the German Publication Wahnsinnige aus England.

I secured permission to reprint it here by doing a favour for the girl in UK licensing. If you would like to anal finger me (you mad slut) – it ‘s an email away via my contact form.

Anyway, she translated it for me because she’s bi-sexual and can therefore speak different languages. I said in the article I translated it but that’s because I like taking credit for other people’s work. I’m fair though, I credit them, in turn, for my failures which are too many to list here.

Let’s sit back now and play with out clitorises and fantasise I’m there with you now shaving your twat (applies to tarts only) whilst we read all about me and how great I am:

Continue Reading Wahnsinnige aus England

Cool it with Sywwow

Product Advisory Notice

Tarts are advised to not use The Sywwow Twat Cooling Spray for its intended purpose with immediate effect.

ffs, don’t use it to cool your Twat


Continue Reading Cool it with Sywwow


I’m constantly thinking of ways to rule the world. I spend an equal amount of time (but less) pondering how I can help you Tarts with your many many, mostly imaginary, issues.

I have come up with an idea of such greatness there is no other word for it than ‘very good’.

Yes, a business card.

Print it out, preferably on card, cut it out and carry it around with you at all times.

If you find yourself in urgent need of a spanking, remember the card. Genius.

Equally, if you encounter one of your friends in urgent need of a spanking, give her the card. Double genius. Then, on returning home, simply print another one out, preferably on card, cut it out and carry it around with you at all times.

Continue Reading Carded


I’m not very good at tying knots which is why I use my Tart Ties.

Tart Ties are fantastic, convenient and inescapable.

They have to be seen to be believed but they’re secret. The only way you can see them is if you come and see me whereupon I shall show you and provide a full demonstration by tying you up with them, spanking you and then… well, we have to discuss that in advance.

Continue Reading DIY

The Sock War: New Front

Another Tart defeated by socks

My resistance to the tyranny of socks has entered a new, more deadly, phase.

Confronted by the much feared inside-out sock, I realised by meekly turning it the right way out I was kowtowing to the dictates of socks. This, I will never do.

Ergo, I disregard inside-out socks and wear them with gay aplomb.

Hold on a minute.

I’m back. On the right foot is a red sock with ‘Tuesday’ on it. Ha! It’s not Tuesday. On the other foot is a blue sock. I can’t read the day on that because it’s inside out.


Listen up you feeble twats, rise up against socks. Don’t let them rule your lives.

T Shirts – don’t get me started on those fuckers.

Continue Reading The Sock War: New Front

Two Tart Ensemble

By, Fashion Editor, Miss Aileen S., Milan

Emerging Fashion Empire, Fashion by Sywwow, has revealed its new design for the hotel and bedroom: “The Two Tart Ensemble”.

“The Two Tart Ensemble”
Continue Reading Two Tart Ensemble

Wedded Bliss

I’ve never been married* because there’s not a single Tart in this world who could come close to taming a tempestuous sulky moody twat like me.

It should be noted, some Tarts come to visit and never want to leave – this is because I’m unlike anyone else alive and my heart is so full of love

My lack of experience in the field of being married won’t prevent me from giving advice in this regard.

Ergo, how to treat some Tart you’ve married:

Continue Reading Wedded Bliss


People are reluctant to join this site, particularly if it’s just to comment, even more so if the comment is merely to tell me how great I am which everyone knows anyway.

I, myself, can’t be bothered to join sites unless I have to.

Some sites let you comment by ‘signing in’ using your Google or Facebook account (and others). I have looked at this but have rejected it because they want to know all about you and what you do. Plus, they want me to conform to their skewed idea of what is right & wrong.

I go to great lengths to provide security & privacy here. All sites say that but they’re full of shit or lying. I will not compromise my integrity least of all to the likes of Facebook

I kowtow to no-one so this facility remains off the cards.

Continue Reading Commenting


Before being thrown off my Anger Management Course (they threw me off for causing arguments which I didn’t start. Bastards) I learned about SALTED


This is to prevent making things worse in a situation by listening & thinking before opening your big gob. Ergo, everyone should do this when dealing with me.

I, personally, just go straight to the Talk bit because I’m not interested in listening or thinking. But, however, I try to avoid bloodshed which is something I did take from the course (along with some nice folders I found in a corridor)


Continue Reading SALTED

Sywwow Institute of Science

Thanks to a swindle perpetrated against The Royal Bank of Scotland I have a load of cash available to fund my latest scheme to convince the world I’m not a twat.

The Sywwow Institute of Science is my way of giving something back to a world from which I have taken so much.

The scam also allows me access to even more riches via The UK Government and, the water on the glacier, is I can get dosh from the EU via an ‘office’ in France which is actually a flat owned by a pal down there.

My use of the words ‘Institute’ and ‘Science’ will no-doubt attract traffic from China so I’d just like to remind such viewers of the massacre at Tiananmen Square and the likelihood of a repetition in Hong Kong where you have already ‘detained’ some pals of mine – a big mistake, on your part.

The Institute has a number of exiting projects already underway:

  • Tackling the scourge of nuclear weapons: The Institute aims to free the world from the horror of thousands of years of contamination after a full-scale nuclear war by reducing this period of death & disease to a more acceptable 50 years
  • Making people happy: A chip is being developed whereby thoughts of the ignorant masses may be guided towards happiness & joy through compliance of the wishes of the highest bidder
  • An end to Pain & Discomfort: Research is well underway, taking over from my own work, into easing the pain endured by Tarts having anal sex
Continue Reading Sywwow Institute of Science

A Legal Conundrum

Aphrodite attended the Chambers of her learned Barrister, Sir JF Montgomery, OBE, VC, QC.

After due deliberation and consulting with members of his team, he concluded the Voucher she had brought with her was indeed bona-fide. He advised her accordingly.

Happy with this reassurance she judged his fee of £12,570 for the five minutes he had afforded her money well spent.

Several days later she redeemed the voucher and was most satisfied. Additionally, she congratulated herself in her astuteness in getting a most excellent service for FREE

Continue Reading A Legal Conundrum

Site Mechanics: Media

I know him. Lucky bastard

My robot has discovered stuff about Media content which I have checked out.

WordPress is the CMS running this site. It has a non-security related fault to do with Media.

The system is reporting Media as ‘unattached’ when, in fact, much of this media is actually in use. I shall not delete any ‘unattached media’. I won’t tell WordPress about this or the security issues I have discovered because, evidently, I’m a disgusting piece of shit running a site like this.

I have found images containing personal info. I must have missed these when they were loaded (not by me). These were never used (unallocated) and have been dealt with.

I have looked at optimizing all media but this is risky and requires scheduling so is on hold.

I shall now show you Heidi with a friend to test the function where you have to be logged into view:

Fucking hell !

Continue Reading Site Mechanics: Media

For those tough jobs

The built-in straw allows you to get right up in there without getting it all over the sheets or photocopier

It’s much better than butter

That’s not all: if your bicycle’s chain is all bunged up with soil & mud: blast a load of WD40 on it and it will be as good as new.

Continue Reading For those tough jobs

Fucking for Fun with Sarah: 8pm


I was finished fucking for the day and was off the clock and fancied a Fuck for Fun.

I contacted a guy who’d fixed my washing machine and asked him if he’d fancy a Fuck for Fun. He said yes, so I arranged for him to fuck me for fun at 8pm.

I then thought, what if he’s fucking useless? That wouldn’t be fun. What I decided to do was call some random numbers for fun to see what came up.

I spoke to a number of numbers some of which was funny but some was not so funny. Why put me on-air when I don’t know anything about politics? That was funny if you heard it.


Some guy, after he’d spoken to his wife, agreed to come ‘round for some fun and fuck me at 20:00 hours. For Fun.

Come eight o’clock they both turned up because 20:00 hours and 8pm are both the same time. I know, it’s mad.

After discussing it for four or five minutes we all agreed they should both fuck me at the same time (20:05) but one at a time because I’m a nice girl. We thought it might be fun. It was, Fun.

We fucked for fun and had some fun

Continue Reading Fucking for Fun with Sarah: 8pm

In your pocket?

Once upon a time I worked as a debt collector.

Some debts cannot be paid with money, jewels or gold: they require a much more personal contribution.

I was deemed too volatile & aggressive for the work; oh, the irony

My partner continued without me, “Partners are bad news”, I recall him saying.

Recently he came to mind so I called upon him. He has retired from his lucrative occupation so was disappointed to see me. I afforded him the courtesy of a date rather than my customary vagueness.

As I was leaving, he offered me something of great value. I politely refused. To profit in such a way would not befit a messenger from the gods.

We shall never meet again


Continue Reading In your pocket?

The things girls do

Some time ago I was embroiled in something of a scandal which we need not go into here.

Dealing with several governments it was, of all people, The United States of America who came to my aid: “We do not supress freedom of speech in The United States of America”.

It transpires, I can do all sorts in PRINT which I can’t do elsewhere, such as on a website. My legal advisors tell me a pdf intended to be “printed out to enable studying for academic reasons” is classed as printed material.

Ergo, my pdf, “Women with Animals” is available here to download and PRINT for you to study for academic reasons

Note: The download will be refused in a number of countries

DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS if you do not want to see women pictured, explicitly, with animals

Continue Reading The things girls do

Is that

She saw me from the other side of the room and came straight over.

She kissed me and gave me a hug. One of those hugs that go on just a bit too long.

She then stood back and, in a raised voice, said; “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”

It was all rather embarrassing and, people who know me, were twitching nervously.

I said; “It’s because I’m pleased to see you”.

There was nervous laughter amongst the spectators. I diffused the awkward scenario quite well, in my opinion.

The rest of the evening went ahead with little of note to report.

Is that a gun…” Of course, it was a gun. I like her: but not that much

Continue Reading Is that

International Day of Spanking

Yes, at last, a Day devoted to Spanking: March 11, 2021

International Days’, as they are known, are governed by the United Nations. I bow to no-one, least of all the UN. Ergo, the date is set in stone and is irrevocable.

The day is to honour the dedication and self-sacrifice of those who bring discipline to Tart’s throughout the world by spanking their arses. By ‘those’ I chiefly mean: ME.

Continue Reading International Day of Spanking

Sarah does it again

Hey everyone, it’s Sarah with some other Tart

Sarah with some other Tart


She wants to show us: “Me with something really big that I could hardly handle

Bloody hell, stand by this should be disgraceful – but great:

Continue Reading Sarah does it again

SoSA acquired by SAGB

Australia’s SoSA (The Spanking of Sheila’s Association) has been taken over by The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB)

President for LIFE, Lord Sywwow, said: “I should have done it ages ago. Tarts in Australia, as far as I can tell, have not been spanked since 1982. This, thanks to me, is set to change”.

What an astounding and great man he is.

Figures reveal spanking did actually cease in 1982 and government figures reveal naughtiness soared since that date (among Tarts).

Lord Sywwow, who is scared of spiders, especially big ones, was tackled over this issue and asked if he would ever dare go there: “I may or may not go there, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. However, I have someone over there to handle things”. He then added; “She’s a Sheila”.

Continue Reading SoSA acquired by SAGB

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