Woman gets stuck to door, somehow

If you’re a husband and you come home and find me there it is incumbent on you to avoid jumping to illogical conclusions as to what’s go on.

It peeves me that common sense is the first casualty and I end up having to explain things which are self-evident.

Husbands, stop jumping to conclusions.

Continue Reading Woman gets stuck to door, somehow

Site Mechanics: Media

I know him. Lucky bastard

My robot has discovered stuff about Media content which I have checked out.

WordPress is the CMS running this site. It has a non-security related fault to do with Media.

The system is reporting Media as ‘unattached’ when, in fact, much of this media is actually in use. I shall not delete any ‘unattached media’. I won’t tell WordPress about this or the security issues I have discovered because, evidently, I’m a disgusting piece of shit running a site like this.

I have found images containing personal info. I must have missed these when they were loaded (not by me). These were never used (unallocated) and have been dealt with.

I have looked at optimizing all media but this is risky and requires scheduling so is on hold.

I shall now show you Heidi with a friend to test the function where you have to be logged into view:

Fucking hell !

Continue Reading Site Mechanics: Media

A journey through time & space

We’ve all been there: I was desperate to go.

Ergo I contacted Heidi.

Desirous to help she jumped on a train, then another, then another, then another, then the Eurostar, then another train, then a fucking expensive taxi before arriving at The Sywwow Mansion

Continue Reading A journey through time & space

Consumer Report: Heidi’s Loyalty Card

I was determined to test the validity of this so-called ‘Loyalty Card’ so I did

The card purports to offer a FREE blowjob. Yes FREE

After closely examining the offer I concluded: if you pay for nine blowjobs then the tenth (#10) is entirely free.

The catch, trick if you will, is, you can’t have the tenth one first. This was a disappointment to me I must say.

Undercover as a certain Herr Sywwow I sought out Heidi and after she had given me nine blowjobs I was fucking knackered but had the strength and presence of mind to produce the card.

Lo and behold, exactly as I’d thought & predicted: I got a free blowjob. Yes, FREE

In conclusion: a great offer and an excellent blowjob (10 of them)

Continue Reading Consumer Report: Heidi’s Loyalty Card

Amazone Reports on Heidi

Special Correspondent Amazone finds out all there is to know about the mysterious enigma which is Heidi.

The interview is in German and I can’t be bothered to use the translation tool (top of page: right) which converts this site into whatever daft language you happen to speak but I’m sure it will be illuminating:

Special Correspondent Amazone

Hallo, ist das Heidi?

Wer ist er?


Wer bin Mich?

Du bist.

Ich weiß, ich bin ich, aber wer bist du?

Ich bin ich.

Ich bin Heidi, wer bist du?


Ich bin Amazone, Spezialkorrespondent für Sywwow.com

Sywwow. Oh, er ist großartig, oder?

Oh ja, er ist so großartig. Er ist besser als großartig.


Fantastisch großartig.

Fantastisch großartig

Er ist

Er ist

Continue Reading Amazone Reports on Heidi

Das Schreiben ist auf der Hure

Das ist nicht meine Handarbeit. Ich habe keinen roten Stift – oder?

Ich schreibe gerne über Huren. Ich benutze einen Permanentmarker. Es ist nicht dauerhaft, kann aber mehrere Tage dauern.

Ich habe einmal eine Hure mit Sprühfarbe gemalt: TUN SIE DAS NICHT

Continue Reading Das Schreiben ist auf der Hure

Day in the Woods

It’s important you let your tart get some fresh air, especially if she’s kept in a cage for long periods.

A day out in the woods always goes down well with a tart

Look how happy she is, for she is enjoying her Day in the Woods
Continue Reading Day in the Woods

Correct feet positioning for caning

When you tarts want your feet caning or far worse it is important to position your feet correctly to facilitate optimum striking and agonising pain infliction – otherwise, the whole thing will be pointless and somewhat odd.

In this handy tutorial I will show you how to get it right, first time, every time:

Continue Reading Correct feet positioning for caning

Hungry Hungry Heidi


Continue Reading Hungry Hungry Heidi

Take 9

This video is still in production – even I can only manage nine takes.

She says the scene must be ‘perfect‘.

I can’t see what’s wrong with it but she’s a perfectionist (or likes being shagged in the arse)

Continue Reading Take 9

I sort out BTM

Using my enormous intellect and outstanding genius I have outwitted those crazed loons at BTM (Big Tits Matter)

I gave the gold to the biggest trouble maker Beatrice which should keep her quiet, the big tart.

Notorious trouble-maker, Amazone, I awarded the silver. She whinged like fuck but I fed her a load of bollocks about the EU, the environment and saving whales. I told her it was for the good of all and to help save the planet. She bought it and accepted the Silver award like a great big-titted sucker.

Heidi, who can be trusted to shut her gob, took Bronze in return for something I did to her bottom which I needn’t mention here.

I doubt we’ll be hearing any more from Big Tits Matter – idiots.

Hey, “BTM” = Bonkers Tarts Moaning – ha ha and ha

Continue Reading I sort out BTM

Your Fantasy: Water Sports

I am privy to your innermost thoughts, desires and fantasies: oh, yes I am.

Tucked away deep inside is your yearning to be pissed in, on and over. Water Sports.

Yes, I even know that. It’s right up there in your top ten

(There’s nothing wrong with that. If required, I’ll do it for you. All you need to do is Contact Me)

To find out all about Water Sports, Sywwow.com’s special correspondent, Heidi, has produced a Special Report entitled Water Sports: A Special Report by Heidi.

Continue Reading Your Fantasy: Water Sports

What a Slut

She’s even got a card to prove it.

She’s got a picture of me on her wall because I’m great – but I’m not a slut (otherwise I’d have a card like she has – which I haven’t)

Continue Reading What a Slut

Your Fantasy: K9

You may have your secret fantasies but I know what they are. I know everything. Oh, yes, I do.

Up there in your top ten is having sex with a dog.

In my opinion, there’s fuck all wrong with that: the Italians would not bat an eye-lid

Ergo, on your behalf, Sywwow.com’s special correspondent, Heidi, has a special report all about K9 sex

Continue Reading Your Fantasy: K9

Your Fantasy: Cum Covered

I know precisely what you tarts fantasize about – oh, yes I do

In your top ten is being covered in semen from multiple men all of whom are strangers to you.

I, therefore, sent sywwow.com’s very own investigative journalist, Heidi, out into the field for a special report.

Continue Reading Your Fantasy: Cum Covered


Heidi Hi
Hoe de Hoe

The above makes sense if you’re British. If you’re not It may still have a resonance.

Heidi, known for shopping in supermarkets and picking up pens which weren’t there in the first place, is a tart – obviously.

She has requested I don’t abuse her or be rude or nasty.

What sort of thing is that to say to me? I don’t go ‘round being rude to sluts, it’s not in my nature. She must be thinking of some other twat which is not me, probably.

I’ve decided to try her out, so to speak, and given her a straightforward job which even an idiot could do quite easily. The results of this simple task will be available at 20:00 UTC tonight (Big hand on 12 – little hand on 8)


Continue Reading Announcing

The Tart from the Supermarket

She’s at it again. She didn’t need to drop the back seats to fit in a can of Pepsi, a loaf of bread, a bunch of bananas, five cucumbers, a kettle which plays music when it boils, a bag of walnuts and a pen
Continue Reading The Tart from the Supermarket

I go shopping

This is why I never go shopping.

I’m minding my own business looking for boiled eggs – which they don’t sell incidentally – when this tart bends over pretending to pick up a non-existent pen. (I invented the non-existent pen picking up routine so tarts can look at my sexy arse. I see tarts are now using it against me – oh, what a tangled web we do weave).

At last, a nice tattoo which actually makes sense


I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of this arse

Continue Reading I go shopping

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