Lecturer Ms. Julia, here instructs a class of tarts what to expect when they get the cane.
Using a student whose name is not recorded, she shows the different whacking techniques involved on the arse of a slut.
She had, apparently, chosen this particular Blonde Bombshell on which to demonstrate because she was “A loon”.
Many of the class members said they didn’t understand, weren’t looking or needed further guidance. Several said they couldn’t hear properly and one, a diligent student of merit, named Louise, asked to see it again because she liked it.
Ms. Julia, ever a helpful tutor, did the entire demonstration over again – 16 times.
The unnamed loon missed the following week’s lecture, “How not to be a loon” claiming to have; “a sore bottom, a very sore bottom”. For missing a lecture without good reason, she was given the cane – by Ms. Julia.
The Spanking Association of Great Britain: Caring for the Empire’s bottoms since 1856
As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB it pains me that so many tarts don’t get the punishment they so sorely deserve through loop-holes regarding naughtiness.
In a world first I have summarily introduced the element of mischief.
Aside from frequently spelling it wrongly by putting the ‘i’ in the wrong place it is a fool-proof tool to trap tarts into a trouncing.
Here is an example:
A tart gets a nail in her tyre thus causing aggravation and expense to her owner. The owner can’t really spank her because she’s not technically been naughty. However, she has been up to mischief. Ergo, she must be spanked. Result. Genius.
Since seizing power of the Spanking Association of Great Britain, Lord Sywwow has been making radical changes to the organisation.
Byline: The latest initiative is to give tarts a more prominent role.
Lord Sywwow: “Ever since its formation in 1856, the SAGB has used tarts. We were the first government institution in the Empire to allow females to use the new-fangled ‘pen’ which others said women would only end up poking in their eyes or swallowing. Many did, of course, but we were the first to allow them to do so”.
Lord Sywwow continues: “I have ruled that women, henceforth, will be allowed full spanking privileges within the SAGB and, thusly, be allowed to spank other tarts. On the proviso, I supervise the whole affair”.
Lord Sywwow then made matters worse by stating: “Of course, they can’t spank men. Why would a man need spanking in the first place? It’s bizarre.”
There’s more: “I am fully aware of their lack of ability as I covered in my book: Women are Rubbish at Punishment Because They’re Feeble in Mind & Body – There are NO Exceptions (Dr. S Thorne, Oxford University Press, 2007). Which is why I’m also sanctioning the use of the cane”.
We couldn’t shut the fucker up: “The belt and whip are out of the question. They can’t be trusted. As I made clear in my work: Women are Even More Stupid than Men – Because of Their Tiny Brains (Dr. S Thorne, Virgin Publishing, 2009).
Thankfully he finally concluded with: “The world is made better every day thanks to me and the SAGB”
Notes to editors:
Please don’t run this story
Lord Sywwow is President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB)
Please don’t use any of his quotes or mention those books
Don’t print stuff about the software theft
Especially don’t mention those evil twats Facebook Pippa G. Press Office – SAGB, London
1861 was the year a new technical innovation was adopted by the SAGB – ever the innovators. The ‘Swish Stick’ was an immediate hit.
Trying out the new-fangled device is, legendary spanking personage, Baron Sywwow. The Baron, known as ‘The Bonkers Baron’ was only with the SAGB for a brief time due to being despatched in a duel over some horse droppings on his boot.
Pictured with the Baron is Miss Anna, assistant to the great man and, street girl, Julia. (Anna is the one being thrashed)
Further to the Prime Minister’s announcement regarding the “Great British Tradition of Naughtiness and Spanking” and the need to preserve it, I have created the necessary paperwork to facilitate the practices.
If you find it absolutely essential to do something naughty then please fill in the form and get it signed by an individual authorised by The Spanking Association of Great Britain (The SAGB).
Naughtiness should be limited to pretty mild stuff within a set time period.
You are reminded to hold on to the form after being naughty and present it to me at a later date so I can apportion the correct punishment – decided by me.
Yes, you can be naughty thanks to this form but, and I mean but, you cannot escape your well-deserved spanking.
We can’t have anarchy: this is England
Please note: Thanks to my friends in the United Nations, The wonderful land which is The United States of America and The Great State of Russia, the form has complete validity throughout the known world.
Lacking the bottomless pit of dosh available to the SAS I could only afford a mailshot to a town of around 55,000 population. Totally at random, I chose Hereford.
I took aim at those jerks the SAS (Stop all Spanking). However, Hereford also happens to be the base for, psycho soldiers, the SAS (Special Air Service) whom took exception at the swipe they thought was aimed at them.
At 3am this morning (or another morning) they entered my premises through the bedroom window and made clear their anger at the whole thing.
After a roughing up and some torture we all had a good laugh when I managed, between kicks to the face & bollocks, to explain away the confusion.
I have agreed to mailshot Hereford again – at their expense, to clarify the issue.
When I also blabbed the EU had funded the mailshot (indirectly) they were absolutely fuming. After some tea and toast, they all rushed off to Europe for some ‘payback’. I wouldn’t like to be in the EU right now, that’s for sure.
Gaimushō no kanari gekido shita menbā kara denwa ga arimashita. Kare wa watashi ga `Nihon o dōyō sa seta’ to itta. Watashi wa Nihon o hikkurikaesu tame ni nani o shita no ka seikaku ni wa shirimasen. Kono tane no koto wa tsuneni watashi ni totte nazodesu. Watashi wa dare o mo okora setakunai. Erugo, Nihon ni shazai shimasu. Shiuwau jinsei no daitōryō 規律の名誉ある目的のために女性の底のスパンキングのほとんどの帝国と優れた機関
Anata no jinsei no daitōryōdearu watashi ni kansha shimasu.
As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB, a position handed to me by the previous incumbent who is sadly no longer with us, I am also President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Institution of Eire and President FOR LIFE of Punition de la société des femmes in France. (Both positions were attained with little or no horribleness).
It is with great pleasure that I announce an agreement with the Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины of the Great State of Russia.
This Pact of Cane between the SAGB and our comrade allies will offer the peace and prosperity Europe is in such need of.
Both I and the Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины of the Great State of Russia are growing increasingly concerned with the Die Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten of Germany.
My representative in Berlin has handed them a note…
Frieden in unserer Zeit
Als Presdient FOR LIFE der SAGB, eine Position, die mir der bisherige Amtsinhaber, der leider nicht mehr bei uns ist, übertragen hat, bin ich auch Präsident FOR LIFE der Spanking Institution of Eire und Präsident FOR LIFE der Punition de la société des femmes in Frankreich . (Beide Positionen wurden mit wenig oder keiner Schrecklichkeit erreicht).
Es ist mir eine große Freude, eine Vereinbarung mit dem Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины des Großen Staates Russland bekannt zu geben.
Dieser Pane of Cane zwischen der SAGB und unseren Verbündeten wird den Frieden und Wohlstand bieten, den Europa so braucht.
Sowohl ich als auch die Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины des Großen Staates Russland beschäftigen sich zunehmend mit der Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten Deutschlands.
Mein Vertreter in Berlin hat ihnen eine Notiz gegeben …
Мир в наше время
Как Президент ЗА ЖИЗНЬ САГБ, должность, которую мне передал предыдущий президент, которого, к сожалению, больше нет с нами, я также являюсь Президентом ЗА ЖИЗНЬ Шлепающего Учреждения Эйре и Президентом ЗА ЖИЗНЬ за Наказание де ла соцсети во Франции , (Обе позиции были достигнуты практически без ужаса).
С большим удовольствием я объявляю о соглашении с Верховным Советом Великой Государственной Руси.
Этот тростниковый договор между САГБ и нашими товарищами-союзниками обеспечит мир и процветание, в которых так нуждается Европа.
И я, и Верховный Совет Великой Государственной Руси все более обеспокоены проблемой «Die Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten» из Германии.
As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB (a position I attained with little in the way of casualties, or ‘victims‘ as they refer to themselves) I am oft called upon to settle issues affecting Great Britain, and, for that matter, the entire known world.
Once such issue of late pertains to tickling.
Tickling, in itself, is not corporal punishment. This remains unchanged.
Taking under consideration submissions made to me by, of all people, the Spanish, I have conducted an in-depth analysis of the procedures.
I have determined tickling can form part of corporal punishment as a precursor to the event.
Providing the tart is held or tied in position securely and tickled relentlessly, she will eventually involuntarily pee herself. This, of course, is a crime punishable by 17 spanks and/or 6 stripes with the cane and/or a lash of the belt.
Ergo, the policy, moving forward, is tickling is part of corporal punishment.
The SAGB has long been associated with the arts in the UK.
Quoted in 1947, Earl Sywwow, then President, said: “The depravations suffered by the Empire in these post-war times is greatly alleviated thanks to our culture and traditions. The SAGB plays its part, as ever, in bringing a little happiness into the lives of so many“.
Here, from the archives, we see, SAGB Stalwart, Ms Penelope on secondment to the British Ballet providing training services during rehearsals for “Swan Lake”.
Because I had nothing else to do I decided to listen to some advice.
Ergo, I’ve done a 180-degree U turn regarding the Victoria Derbyshire Show.
I’m not doing it.
She’ll make mincemeat out of me. I’ll come out looking like a loon of epic looniness. According to a new friend I’ve got, she was going to ‘hang me out to dry’. I don’t like the sound of that.
I thought she was going to let me bang on for ages with my brilliant thoughts on how the world could be made better – by me. In fact, the opposite was going to happen.
I’ve come up with an unnecessarily complex and over elaborate excuse why I can’t appear. Its foolproofishness is devilish and removes all possibility of me being trapped into appearing – despite the contract I stupidly signed.
Once again my genius is exposed for all to see.
So, we won’t be hearing any more from Ms. Derbyshire – that’s for sure.
Continue ReadingSywwow can’t appear on the Victoria Derbyshire Show because he’s been kidnapped
As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB I am called upon to talk about the wonderful work the institution does for the good of all mankind.
This was the reason I found myself, this morning, speaking to a lovely filly working for The Victoria Derbyshire Show. Pippa said she was a ‘researcher’. Apparently, Victoria wants me to appear on her show to ‘justify’ myself.
For those of you who don’t know, the Victoria Derbyshire Show is a BBC News production. (BBC News don’t do news anymore). The show consists entirely of women whingeing on about fuck all, their imaginary ailments and various neurotic gibberish.
For example: During the First World War an alarming and baffling condition arose in soldiers serving in the trenches. It eventually became known as “shell shock”. Nowadays, it is called PTSD. Footage from the period shows how utterly terrifying the condition was. Today, women say they’ve got PTSD when someone farts on the bus or they have a bad hair day. They go on Victoria’s show and blab this bollocks with Derbyshire nodding in full agreement.
My good friend Boris said “Spaffing up the wall” on her show. She will never let that go – ever.
I will go on her inane programme to put her, and the rest of those stupid idiot women, right. In no uncertain terms.
Marie, Moira, Bonnie, Penelope, Samantha, the researcher from the show, my mother, the list is endless, are vehemently against me going on the show.
Who knows what’s best? A bunch of silly tarts or me? Exactly.
As President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (established 1856) – a position I attained with little bloodshed and violence – I have access to all the archives and a load of shit on notable figures.
I have put together a gallery where, SAGB member, Ms. Penelope punishes a floozy (Julia) for disgraceful conduct.
The lashing dolled out by Ms Penelope (now Dame Penelope of Bridlington) was deserved by the slut Julia because she had been listening to long haired singers on a transistor radio. Long haired pop singers up to their ears in funny smelling cigarettes – I’ll be bound.
After this thrashing, Julia never did naughty things ever again and went on to become a Prime Minister of a Great Nation close to the EU (But NOT IN THE EU – any more).
Today, we can look back with fondness to a time when tarts got thrashed for fuck all – sometimes by other gorgeous tarts.
Those days are here again because: I, Lord Sywwow, am President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (established 1856)
The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB) was founded by Earl Sywwow in 1856.
It gained its Royal Warrant in 1881 awarded by, the then, Prince, Edward.
It has been the UK’s foremost institution regarding disciplining errant females for over 160 years.
Today, its President FOR LIFE is Lord Sywwow, a descendent of the first to hold the seat.
Under his leadership the Association has absorbed both the Irish and French equivalents. This, coupled with the Commonwealth nations (such as Canada and Australia), the successors to what was The British Empire, makes the SAGB the largest organisation of its kind in the world, outside of NATO, the EU, and the UN.
Those twats at Stamp Out Spanking (SOS) have attempted to distance themselves from me by changing their name to Stop All Spanking (SAS). The cheek of it.
Their posters have appeared all over London with the old name still on them. They’re the same ones I designed and had made. The cheek of it.
I have learned the posters were produced using a red ink that, because of radioactive contamination, turned a nice shade of green. It transpires, the corrupt individual who had them made got the ink on the cheap from Kazakhstan.
I would suggest the authorities pull these posters down as quick as a tart’s knickers.
There has been a revolution at the headquarters of Stamp out Spanking.
I’ve been ousted as Supreme Leader at a secret meeting held whilst I was outside having a fag.
Some tart tricked me into spanking her and showed everyone a disgraceful video of me spanking her bare bottom with gay aplomb.
Also, they some how discovered I’ve become President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain. (I’m quite capable of doing two jobs at once).
Apparently, I’m not fit to lead Stamp out Spanking as I’m: “a spanker”, “a hypocrite” and “a jerk”.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh, how the worm has turned.
Oh, what a bunch of twats.
Regarding the spanking relapse, I couldn’t help myself and, she claimed to have been naughty. What choice had I?
I’ve suffered defeats and setbacks before.
As God is my witness they’re not going to lick me.
I’m going to live through this and when its all over, I’ll never be hungry again.
No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, as God is my witness I’ll never be hungry again.
I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ babies (this may prove to have no relevance. I’d give it a go though, I can do anything – except lead Stamp out Spanking, apparently)