Because I know everything, my opinion is often sought by Tarts – especially dense ones.

Sarah, the sexiest girl on the planet (Southern Hemisphere) has been in touch regarding a sofa; “Sywwow, you know everything so I’m seeking your opinion about a sofa I came across on a recent photo-shoot.
There’s an identical one at the furniture store near where I live and the guy said I can have 5% discount if I suck him off, 7% if I swallow (which I always do anyway, the big sucker)”

Using my expertise in everything I will now show you how to do Aural Sex:

Well, when I came back in she said “I’ve got a strawberry in my twat and can’t get it out”

Well, I never

I told her, “What do you expect me to do about it?”

Well done

She said, “You put it in there, you get it out”

The cheek

I know. It sounded made up to me. Like the time she had a ladder in her tights

A ladder?

I know. A ladder. A ladder is about six-foot long and made of metal

Or wood

Yes. Or wood

Or fibreglass

Yes. Or wood or fiberglass

Or…

Whatever a ladder is made from. How could she get one in her tights?

Precisely. It’s impossible

I went downstairs, got some plates I can’t stand, went outside and smashed the fuckers

I hate plates. Almost as much as I detest saucers.

Saucers. Don’t get me started on those fuckers

I was hanging about in the woods hoping to be fucked because I thought; “That would be fun”.

I made it clear I was up for Fucking for Fun and made a little sign; “Would you like to fuck me, for Fun!”

There was two things wrong with my sign: I should have used a ? not a ! and, secondly, I forgot the sign and left it at home.

I was having fun to start with but no-one seemed to be up for fucking me for fun in the woods except for this one guy who said it would be great to fuck me for fun but, for fun, wanted me to sing “Old MacDonald had a Farm” whilst he penetrated me firstly in my vagina and then in my anus and then in my mouth where he intended to ejaculate – if all went well.

I refused, point blank– I don’t know the lyrics. I offered to sing “Umbrella” by Rihanna but he wasn’t keen on that and said he was going home to wank off over some whore called ‘Sarah’ on a site called sywwow.com – what a twat

Sarah is an accomplished Pole Dancer.

So much so, she’s posed on a pole in a way so as to spell out SYWWOW

What skill and ingenuity:

“When I’m not being fucked on camera or fucking for fun, I perform twat exercises to ensure my cunt is loose and always up for action”.

Blonde bombshell model & slut, Sarah, has raised eyebrows amongst the advertising fraternity by announcing she is to be the new spokesperson for the CCC (Canadian Cucumber Conglomerate)

Already representing the Banana Association of Australia, I put it to her there is a clear conflict of interest: “I put it to you there is a clear conflict of interest representing cucumbers in addition to bananas”.

“I don’t think so”; answered the porn princess, “I would have the cucumber in my cunt and the banana up my arse”.

She’s clearly thought this out and, I’m sure, we all wish her the best in her new role as Cucumber Girl whilst continuing as Banana Girl.

Oh, ffs, there’s more: “I’m keen to show off my green credentials and cucumbers are green. Bananas aren’t green but yellow is a sort of green”.

Well, that’s a point of conjecture.

I tend to wander aimlessly about doing fuck all with spanking far from mind.

Yet, cunning Tarts set traps for me where my only possible course of action is to spank them.

It’s difficult to tell you how to avoid these Spanking Traps because they differ from person to person.

Sarah tells us now about her ‘hilarious’ ATM shoot

ATM: Ass to Mouth: The penis is inserted deep within the slut’s ass hole then withdrawn and rammed into her gob, repeatedly

“The shoot was ATM and this guy, I can’t remember his name, was fucking my asshole and then my trap.

He wasn’t that bright and it was Ass Mouth Mouth Ass Ass Mouth Ass Mouth Ass Ass Mouth and so on and so forth etcetera. When Brian, the photographer, said; “Cum in the whore” the dopey idiot cum blasted my arse.

We fell about laughing it was so funny. How could he confuse my arse for my mouth even though they’re both fuck holes?

The idiot then couldn’t rise to the occasion so Brian said he’d have a go because their dicks looked similar – which they didn’t – whilst thicko took the photos.

Brian is as gay as gay person so it took bloody ages before he eventually managed to fill my gob with his stringy awful tasting jizz but, bless him, he managed it. He’s such a pro.

I didn’t have to swallow, but did out of politeness.

Now, who knows what button soft head was pressing but it wasn’t the one that takes photos. The one photo he managed to take seemed like it was his ear.

We fell about laughing. It was hilarious”.

That arsehole Banksy sent me some kitchen roll which I thought was a nice gift even though it was prompted by me sending him a present of an “I Love Cock” mug in a reconciliation move regarding my wall which he defaced and his wall which I defaced (allegedly)

On closer examination I discovered he’d done a drawing half way through the roll.

What a Twat.

I can’t possibly use that for wrapping sandwiches.
In retaliation I’ve sent him another “I Love Cock” mug

Sarah, pictured above, what a dish, has got a mirror for sale:

She’s showing you her new shoes

Tip: Focus on the new shoes

If there’s something I don’t know about women – I don’t know what it is

Sarah was on a shoot and all was well until the climax of the assignment where the stud wanked his load into her slutty gob for some stunning snaps of her cum-filled trap.

I’ll let Sarah take up the story; “I swallowed it”.

She swallowed it. What a nincompoop.

Blondes, I have had cause to cover this subject before and find it galling to have to return to it: Swallow the cum when you’re told to – not before, during or after, but when you’re told to.

This is as equally important whether you are engaged on an expensive photographic job or in some back alley somewhere.

Sarah, Australia’s top model, spokesperson for The Banana Association of Australia and Sywwow Twat Cooling Spray is a consummate professional and assures me this was a simple mistake; “I love swallowing cum and can’t wait to get it down me. I normally wait until the photographer has finished getting close-ups of the slimy soup in my cake-hole before I let it slip down but I was over-excited as I’d not had any for a couple of days”.

I think that is a plausible explanation. Plus, they’re all going to try again next week and get the required sloppy shots on film.

Being Australia’s top model doesn’t come easy. Sarah endures hours of fucking to ensure she’s always on top form.

Here, she has gone to some guy’s shitty flat for a training session. Advertising himself as a ‘Slut Trainer’ he puts the blonde through her paces. Some gentle encouragement gets her into gear and she works for his cum as well as her own.

“He was a great trainer and put me through my paces”, said the silly tart. “I thought I recognised him as the man who cuts the trees in the park but he said he didn’t know what a tree was which satisfied my misgivings”.

“I find I need constant training which also helps keep my holes ready for large cocks and strange insertions”, continued the cum bucket.

“My cunt needs to be up for fucking at a moments notice should an assignment come in unexpectedly or I see someone or something I’d like to have inside me”.

“I also need to be shown my place, like in this instance. I’m just a fuck-toy after all”.

I tracked this ‘trainer’ down. Lo-and-behold, he’s gone back to the woods: “It was such hard work training those sluts. There were loads of them. Plus, I’m gay. So fucking gay you wouldn’t believe it”. I offered to take over his website which he was only to pleased to let me do: https://www.I-will-train-your-cunt.com (my new website)

Something happened here. Something is always happening here. In this particular happening a blonde became caught.

I won’t shock or distress you by going into all the bizarre details but the blonde had managed to trap herself in the exact same manner as detailed in my ground-breaking article: How to Catch a Blonde.

The incident serves as further proof my ground-breaking article: How to Catch a Blonde is correct in every detail.

After some negotiations and the agreement of the blonde to perform some sordid acts I released her – that’s how nice I am.

I caught a blonde without even setting the trap – that’s what a genius I am.

If you’re impetuous, wild and the sort of bad boy the girls like to hang around with, you have a tendency to do the first thing which comes into your head; which is right every time unless it isn’t.

A case in point is my propensity for unnecessary and un-called for spanking.

In fairness to me, it’s the kind of error any right-minded person can make.

Let’s see a typical ‘Spanking Error’ unfold to prove it’s not my fault: