Listen up Tarts, I told you lot not to use my Twat Cooling Spray for Cooling your Twats. Its function is purely for gluing tits together and attaching skirting boards to walls without need of screws.

A user of my Twat Cooling Spray used it to Cool her Twat and, essentially, sealed it shut such is its adhesive excellence which is why it’s now for breast bonding.

The twattish twat whinged on for ages in an email complaining her twat was hotter than ever because it was closed off. She was also dripping on about how it was affecting her ability to work and have ‘fun’.

On the positive side, she informs me the coat hook which keeps falling off the door in the bathroom has now been fixed so permanently “you can swing off it”.

I won’t name this silly slut but take heed of her words; “I won’t used it on my twat anymore. That’s for sure. Instead, I’m going to get guys to use it on my tits when I’m fucking for fun”.

Reassuringly, she has sent some photos showing, after a mere seven days, countless baths and some WD40, her twat is back in full working order and open for business (and fun):

The forthcoming magazine “Tarts Tormenting Tarts” from Sywwow Publishing LLP will, naturally, feature Tarts Tormenting Tarts.

At a meeting held on Zoom where I dressed as a gorilla and no fucker noticed, I suggested using Sarah as a lead model because she’s well fuckable and, being based in Australia, can’t possibly get anywhere near me to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.

Everyone in the meeting was against this, preferring to use someone much closer to me, very very close to me, who would be better placed to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.

I overruled them because I’m in charge. Plus, I don’t take any notice of anyone because I’m always right.

Ergo, the shoot was organised and Sarah brought with her a Tart friend of hers to torment.

If I knew all the tarts in Australia (and New Zealand) were this fantastic I would have went there ages ago despite the spiders which are approximately the size of a small horse or pony

Das bekannte köstliche Australische Model Sarah hat mit dem bekannten deutschen Fotografen Herr Hermann Kuntz fotografiert.

Die Ergebnisse werden Teil seiner Ausstellung Kuntz on Cunts 2021 in der Neuen Nationalgalerie in Berlin sein

Well-known delectable Australian Model Sarah has been on a shoot with the renowned German photographer Herr Hermann Kuntz.

The results will form part of his 2021 exhibition Kuntz on Cunts at the Neue Nationalgalerie, Berlin

As demonstrated by some Tart, this is how you should cool your twat: by going outside

Product Advisory Notice

Tarts are advised to not use The Sywwow Twat Cooling Spray for its intended purpose with immediate effect.

Going outside to cool off your hot cunt is a thing of the past thanks to my new product; The Sywwow Twat Cooling Spray

Thanks to WD40, having a cock up your arse is a breeze

The built-in straw allows you to get right up in there without getting it all over the sheets or photocopier

It’s much better than butter

That’s not all: if your bicycle’s chain is all bunged up with soil & mud: blast a load of WD40 on it and it will be as good as new.

I was finished fucking for the day and was off the clock and fancied a Fuck for Fun.

I contacted a guy who’d fixed my washing machine and asked him if he’d fancy a Fuck for Fun. He said yes, so I arranged for him to fuck me for fun at 8pm.

I then thought, what if he’s fucking useless? That wouldn’t be fun. What I decided to do was call some random numbers for fun to see what came up.

I spoke to a number of numbers some of which was funny but some was not so funny. Why put me on-air when I don’t know anything about politics? That was funny if you heard it.

Some guy, after he’d spoken to his wife, agreed to come ‘round for some fun and fuck me at 20:00 hours. For Fun.

Come eight o’clock they both turned up because 20:00 hours and 8pm are both the same time. I know, it’s mad.

After discussing it for four or five minutes we all agreed they should both fuck me at the same time (20:05) but one at a time because I’m a nice girl. We thought it might be fun. It was, Fun.

We fucked for fun and had some fun

Hey everyone, it’s Sarah with some other Tart

She wants to show us: “Me with something really big that I could hardly handle”

Bloody hell, stand by this should be disgraceful – but great:

I’m always trying to help you Tarts out with your mystifying and, somewhat, lunatic requirements.

A Tart said to me; “How do I know if my Twat is any good?”

Ergo: I stress this is still in the testing phase, my: “Twat Testing Machine”.

Searching for a volunteer with the necessary stupidity skills I soon settled on Sarah as the best Twat to test my Twat tester on, especially given the dangers of unreliable prototype technology:

As an Adult Model (book me here) I fuck & get fucked in front of the camera all the time.

But, I also Fuck for Fun

Let’s take a look inside: