Twat Cooling Spray heats up a twat down under

Listen up Tarts, I told you lot not to use my Twat Cooling Spray for Cooling your Twats. Its function is purely for gluing tits together and attaching skirting boards to walls without need of screws.

A user of my Twat Cooling Spray used it to Cool her Twat and, essentially, sealed it shut such is its adhesive excellence which is why it’s now for breast bonding.

The twattish twat whinged on for ages in an email complaining her twat was hotter than ever because it was closed off. She was also dripping on about how it was affecting her ability to work and have ‘fun’.

Sealed: tight as a drum. You couldn’t even get a pencil in there

On the positive side, she informs me the coat hook which keeps falling off the door in the bathroom has now been fixed so permanently “you can swing off it”.

I won’t name this silly slut but take heed of her words; “I won’t used it on my twat anymore. That’s for sure. Instead, I’m going to get guys to use it on my tits when I’m fucking for fun”.

Reassuringly, she has sent some photos showing, after a mere seven days, countless baths and some WD40, her twat is back in full working order and open for business (and fun):

Continue Reading Twat Cooling Spray heats up a twat down under

Tarts Tormenting Tarts

The forthcoming magazine “Tarts Tormenting Tarts” from Sywwow Publishing LLP will, naturally, feature Tarts Tormenting Tarts.

At a meeting held on Zoom where I dressed as a gorilla and no fucker noticed, I suggested using Sarah as a lead model because she’s well fuckable and, being based in Australia, can’t possibly get anywhere near me to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.

Everyone in the meeting was against this, preferring to use someone much closer to me, very very close to me, who would be better placed to dish out the retribution which I so richly deserve but would cry if subjected to.

I overruled them because I’m in charge. Plus, I don’t take any notice of anyone because I’m always right.

Ergo, the shoot was organised and Sarah brought with her a Tart friend of hers to torment.

Sarah torments her tart friend. The superb rope work was done by some guy outside working in a hole. Sarah couldn’t do rope work like that: she’s only just learned how to tie her shoe laces (left one only)

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Antipodean Tarts

If I knew all the tarts in Australia (and New Zealand) were this fantastic I would have went there ages ago despite the spiders which are approximately the size of a small horse or pony

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Sarah, voll auf

Das bekannte köstliche Australische Model Sarah hat mit dem bekannten deutschen Fotografen Herr Hermann Kuntz fotografiert.

Die Ergebnisse werden Teil seiner Ausstellung Kuntz on Cunts 2021 in der Neuen Nationalgalerie in Berlin sein

Sarah, deren Fotze von Kuntz für Kuntz on Cunts gefüllt und fotografiert wurde
Continue Reading Sarah, voll auf

Sarah, Full Up

Well-known delectable Australian Model Sarah has been on a shoot with the renowned German photographer Herr Hermann Kuntz.

The results will form part of his 2021 exhibition Kuntz on Cunts at the Neue Nationalgalerie, Berlin

Sarah, whose cunt was filled & photographed by Kuntz for Kuntz on Cunts
Continue Reading Sarah, Full Up


My attention has been drawn to a popular DIY site where instructions can be found regarding home maintenance tasks.

To say I was livid was an understatement.

My ‘Twat Cooling Spray’ is most certainly not a ‘gap filling grab adhesive’. How dare they.

My product was a genuine attempt to help Tarts, Sluts & Whores cool off their cunts in a safe & convenient manner. Its unfortunate adhesive qualities were soon apparent which is why it’s now recommended by any self-respecting tit abuser to bond breasts beautifully. It is NOT for fixing skirting boards to walls.

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Cool it with Sywwow

Product Advisory Notice

Tarts are advised to not use The Sywwow Twat Cooling Spray for its intended purpose with immediate effect.

ffs, don’t use it to cool your Twat


Continue Reading Cool it with Sywwow

For those tough jobs

The built-in straw allows you to get right up in there without getting it all over the sheets or photocopier

It’s much better than butter

That’s not all: if your bicycle’s chain is all bunged up with soil & mud: blast a load of WD40 on it and it will be as good as new.

Continue Reading For those tough jobs

Fucking for Fun with Sarah: 8pm


I was finished fucking for the day and was off the clock and fancied a Fuck for Fun.

I contacted a guy who’d fixed my washing machine and asked him if he’d fancy a Fuck for Fun. He said yes, so I arranged for him to fuck me for fun at 8pm.

I then thought, what if he’s fucking useless? That wouldn’t be fun. What I decided to do was call some random numbers for fun to see what came up.

I spoke to a number of numbers some of which was funny but some was not so funny. Why put me on-air when I don’t know anything about politics? That was funny if you heard it.


Some guy, after he’d spoken to his wife, agreed to come ‘round for some fun and fuck me at 20:00 hours. For Fun.

Come eight o’clock they both turned up because 20:00 hours and 8pm are both the same time. I know, it’s mad.

After discussing it for four or five minutes we all agreed they should both fuck me at the same time (20:05) but one at a time because I’m a nice girl. We thought it might be fun. It was, Fun.

We fucked for fun and had some fun

Continue Reading Fucking for Fun with Sarah: 8pm

The things girls do

Some time ago I was embroiled in something of a scandal which we need not go into here.

Dealing with several governments it was, of all people, The United States of America who came to my aid: “We do not supress freedom of speech in The United States of America”.

It transpires, I can do all sorts in PRINT which I can’t do elsewhere, such as on a website. My legal advisors tell me a pdf intended to be “printed out to enable studying for academic reasons” is classed as printed material.

Ergo, my pdf, “Women with Animals” is available here to download and PRINT for you to study for academic reasons

Note: The download will be refused in a number of countries

DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS if you do not want to see women pictured, explicitly, with animals

Continue Reading The things girls do

Sarah does it again

Hey everyone, it’s Sarah with some other Tart

Sarah with some other Tart


She wants to show us: “Me with something really big that I could hardly handle

Bloody hell, stand by this should be disgraceful – but great:

Continue Reading Sarah does it again

Is My Twat any Good?

I’m always trying to help you Tarts out with your mystifying and, somewhat, lunatic requirements.

A Tart said to me; “How do I know if my Twat is any good?

Ergo: I stress this is still in the testing phase, my: “Twat Testing Machine”.

Searching for a volunteer with the necessary stupidity skills I soon settled on Sarah as the best Twat to test my Twat tester on, especially given the dangers of unreliable prototype technology:

Continue Reading Is My Twat any Good?

Sarah has an idea

Yes, even Blondes have ideas from time to time. Some of them are good ideas but, in the main, they’re rubbish.

At first glance this is a good idea but not in the middle of the street. So, on balance, it’s not a good idea but a good attempt at a good idea


Continue Reading Sarah has an idea


The only thing necessary for the triumph of naughtiness is for good men, such as Sywwow, to do nothing” – Sir Winston Spencer Churchill. If not him then someone like him, Nigel Farage, perhaps

I spank Tarts, on your behalf, for the good of all. Someone has to do it and that someone just turns out to be me.

If you have been naughty you should, in the first instance, go here:

Continue Reading Naughty

Having a Laugh with Sarah

Let’s put some beads up her arse and watch her try and walk about

Hey, Sarah, let’s put some beads up your arse and watch you try and walk about. She seems keen – keen as mustard
Continue Reading Having a Laugh with Sarah

Banana Girl

Congratulations are due to The Sexiest Girl in the Southern Hemisphere, Sarah, who has landed the coveted Banana Girl gig for The Banana Association of Australia (Not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America).

Incidentally, I had an altercation with The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) over an informative piece I did entitled How to Catch a Blonde. I stand by every word of that article and challenge The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) to disprove my proven method for catching blondes with a banana.

That sordid business aside, The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) is a prestigious player in the international world of Bananas which, largely thanks to me, have seen sales increase lately especially amongst blondes.

The latest poster from The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) can be seen all over Sydney and other cities in Australia features Sarah’s lovely arse with a banana shoved up it.

Sarah was quoted in the Sydney Morning Herald as saying; “The latest poster from The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) can be seen all over Sydney and other cities in Australia features my lovely arse with a banana shoved up it”.

Well done that blonde

“The latest poster from The Banana Association of Australia (not associated with those twats The Banana Association of America) can be seen all over Sydney and other cities in Australia features my lovely arse with a banana shoved up it”.
Continue Reading Banana Girl


From Britain… Behind the Scenes

Pre-production is underway on the major motion picture, From Britain… With Love.

Whilst the major roles have long been in place, the lesser parts are being cast. One hopeful is, Australian blonde bombshell & model, Sarah:

Hoping for a part, Sarah


I was thrilled to be called in for an interview with the producer, Lord Sywwow. Whom, is quite a dish”.

I was after the part of Hotel Receptionist #3 which has a line; ‘Thank-you, it’s on the left’, so I was keen to do whatever it took to land the role.

I had brought my portfolio which he glanced at before he said we should try some improvisational work. What a pro”:

After he improvised the fuck out of me, he said I’d got the part. I’m so pleased and honoured to get it – and the part”.

Continue Reading Casting

BBC News

I know what you Tarts fantasize about, oh yes I do. Of course I know about that – it remains your secret known only to yourself, and me.

Some Tarts have the bravery & tenacity to contact me via my contact form and I, because I’m so lovely, facilitate their heart’s desires. Yes, I can, have and do arrange that. This is why you must be brave & tenacious to contact me via my contact form.

Sarah in Black

Up there in your Top 10 is having a BBC. Oh, yes it is.

In order to experience what this is like, I have assigned this task to Sarah.

Her report is with me now and requires some thought as how to best present it to you.

Meanwhile, the subject brings to mind a story where, in order to satisfy a Tart’s desires a guy painted his cock black. I know, how thoughtful of him.

When confronted with this the Tart was most dismissive and horrid saying it wasn’t big and wasn’t black. Isn’t that awful?

If your husband, partner, whatever paints his cock black in order to please you, what you should say is; “Oh, Sywwow, what a great idea. You’re so perfect, thoughtful and great. You’re everything Tart’s say about”. You should then do all those things for him you wouldn’t normally do out of sheer gratitude to this perfect man.

Sarah gets Blacked will be available for you to gawk at once I have dealt with a visitor who wants to…. Let’s leave that just there.

Continue Reading BBC News

The Sexiest Girl in the World (Bottom bit)

For convenience I have took the world and split it into two halves.

The top half, to sound clever (which I am), I shall henceforth call The Northern Hemisphere.

What’s left shall be known as The Southern Hemisphere

The New World

Now the world has been divided up appropriately I can announce, without fear of contradiction nor dissent, the sexiest girl in the Southern Hemisphere is: SARAH

MY word is final and my decision is irrevocable regardless of what anyone in New Zealand says (don’t make me come down there)

Continue Reading The Sexiest Girl in the World (Bottom bit)


Some time ago I explained what the Paws Tattoo signifies (here)

One of Sarah’s friends. The Tattoo may just be a tattoo (yeah, right)


Only Click on the above Image if you really want to see Sarah cavorting with an animal – she’s game for anything
Continue Reading Paws

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