My new SAS flyer

I have hastily re-done my leaflet attacking the SAS (Stop All Spanking).

The new leaflet, currently landing on the doormats of Hereford residents, makes it clear The SAS (Special Air Service) are great and not the target of my ire.


The fact remains, the EU funded this debacle (indirectly).

Continue Reading My new SAS flyer

My disastrous new SAGB mailshot

The SAS insignia: If you like killing people they’re a great outfit to join

Lacking the bottomless pit of dosh available to the SAS I could only afford a mailshot to a town of around 55,000 population. Totally at random, I chose Hereford.

I took aim at those jerks the SAS (Stop all Spanking). However, Hereford also happens to be the base for, psycho soldiers, the SAS (Special Air Service) whom took exception at the swipe they thought was aimed at them.

At 3am this morning (or another morning) they entered my premises through the bedroom window and made clear their anger at the whole thing.

After a roughing up and some torture we all had a good laugh when I managed, between kicks to the face & bollocks, to explain away the confusion.

I have agreed to mailshot Hereford again – at their expense, to clarify the issue.

When I also blabbed the EU had funded the mailshot (indirectly) they were absolutely fuming. After some tea and toast, they all rushed off to Europe for some ‘payback’. I wouldn’t like to be in the EU right now, that’s for sure.

The SAS storm off to the EU who, unwisely, funded the whole atrocious leaflet affair (indirectly).
Continue Reading My disastrous new SAGB mailshot

The SAS

My new mailshot designed to tackle the misinformation being disseminated by the SAS (Stop All Spanking) has taken place.

Lacking the resources of the SAS, I could only target a small English town. Hereford was chosen at random because of its population figures.

I think the leaflet will be a great success and, certainly, will be well received in Hereford.

 

Continue Reading The SAS

Great Britain’s Brexit Shame

This is what really happened on the day when we left the EU:

We had all the stationery away. We also ‘alf-inched a load of light bulbs, desks, laptops and shit like that.
If it wasn’t screwed down – we lifted it.

Not only did we leave the lights on in our offices but we locked the doors and trashed the keys. Yes, trashed, no more landfill tax for us – I’ve just opened one: it’s fucking huge and I’m raking in the dosh.

I’m currently flogging staplers and pens on ebay – grab yourself a bargain.

[Name withheld] nabbed a lorry load of photos – of Jean-Claude Juncker. What a div. The honourable thing to do was to return them, which is what we did. The frames are available to buy on [Name withheld’s] ebay shop.

My latest leaflet campaign may be modest in comparison to those lying twats the SAS but is entirely funded by a lorry load of soap I’m flogging. The soap has a load of stars on them, in a circle – it hasn’t harmed their sell-ability.

As soon as I’ve shifted the last of the soap I’ll launch my leaflet campaign which, just like the SAS, will be funded by the EU (indirectly).

Continue Reading Great Britain’s Brexit Shame

Stop All Spanking: Press Release

The following Press Release is available sans credit or permissions issued by The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB):

The assertion made by Stop All Spanking (SAS) that spanking causes additional carbon in the atmosphere is bogus.

The calculations used are invalid and have been proved as such by the renowned Moscow State University and, more recently, NASA.

The errors in the equation are evident even to idiots who can’t do sums.

The bad maths is clear for all to see

 

[Quote: attributable]: President of the SAGB, Lord Sywwow: “Spanking is Carbon Negative: FACT”.

It is hoped the above will put an end to these scurrilous rumours being spread by the SAS.

Update: correction: This is the wrong sums

 

Lord Sywwow will be appearing, live, on The Victoria Derbyshire Show (BBC Two & BBC News Channel) on Wednesday 19 February.

Update: Clarification: This is the right adding up stuff which proves WITHOUT DOUBT – spanking is Carbon Negative

 

Update: More clarification: Carbon Negative means carbon is removed from the atmosphere. This means spanking takes carbon out of the atmosphere: FACT

Update: Lord Sywwow will not be appearing, live, on The Victoria Derbyshire Show (BBC Two & BBC News Channel) on Wednesday 19 February.

Continue Reading Stop All Spanking: Press Release

Sywwow can’t appear on the Victoria Derbyshire Show because he’s been kidnapped

Because I had nothing else to do I decided to listen to some advice.

If only I’d not been kidnapped I could have appeared on Victoria’s lovely show. I’m so annoyed by the whole kidnapping affair which has meant THERE IS NO WAY I CAN POSSIBLY APPEAR irrespective of any contract I may have signed. There’s no need to bother the authorities with all this – I’m sure it will sort itself out

Ergo, I’ve done a 180-degree U turn regarding the Victoria Derbyshire Show.

I’m not doing it.

She’ll make mincemeat out of me. I’ll come out looking like a loon of epic looniness. According to a new friend I’ve got, she was going to ‘hang me out to dry’. I don’t like the sound of that.

I thought she was going to let me bang on for ages with my brilliant thoughts on how the world could be made better – by me. In fact, the opposite was going to happen.

I’ve come up with an unnecessarily complex and over elaborate excuse why I can’t appear. Its foolproofishness is devilish and removes all possibility of me being trapped into appearing – despite the contract I stupidly signed.

Once again my genius is exposed for all to see.

So, we won’t be hearing any more from Ms. Derbyshire – that’s for sure.

Continue Reading Sywwow can’t appear on the Victoria Derbyshire Show because he’s been kidnapped

The Victoria Derbyshire Show

As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB I am called upon to talk about the wonderful work the institution does for the good of all mankind.

This was the reason I found myself, this morning, speaking to a lovely filly working for The Victoria Derbyshire Show. Pippa said she was a ‘researcher’. Apparently, Victoria wants me to appear on her show to ‘justify’ myself.

For those of you who don’t know, the Victoria Derbyshire Show is a BBC News production. (BBC News don’t do news anymore). The show consists entirely of women whingeing on about fuck all, their imaginary ailments and various neurotic gibberish.

For example: During the First World War an alarming and baffling condition arose in soldiers serving in the trenches. It eventually became known as “shell shock”. Nowadays, it is called PTSD. Footage from the period shows how utterly terrifying the condition was. Today, women say they’ve got PTSD when someone farts on the bus or they have a bad hair day. They go on Victoria’s show and blab this bollocks with Derbyshire nodding in full agreement.

My good friend Boris said “Spaffing up the wall” on her show. She will never let that go – ever.

I will go on her inane programme to put her, and the rest of those stupid idiot women, right. In no uncertain terms.

Marie, Moira, Bonnie, Penelope, Samantha, the researcher from the show, my mother, the list is endless, are vehemently against me going on the show.

Who knows what’s best? A bunch of silly tarts or me? Exactly.

Don’t miss it

 

Continue Reading The Victoria Derbyshire Show

SAGB Archives – Ms. Penelope

As President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (established 1856) – a position I attained with little bloodshed and violence – I have access to all the archives and a load of shit on notable figures.

I have put together a gallery where, SAGB member, Ms. Penelope punishes a floozy (Julia) for disgraceful conduct.

The lashing dolled out by Ms Penelope (now Dame Penelope of Bridlington) was deserved by the slut Julia because she had been listening to long haired singers on a transistor radio. Long haired pop singers up to their ears in funny smelling cigarettes – I’ll be bound.

After this thrashing, Julia never did naughty things ever again and went on to become a Prime Minister of a Great Nation close to the EU (But NOT IN THE EU – any more).

Today, we can look back with fondness to a time when tarts got thrashed for fuck all – sometimes by other gorgeous tarts.

Those days are here again because:
I, Lord Sywwow, am President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (established 1856)

Continue Reading SAGB Archives – Ms. Penelope

The best news for humanity in the history of the world. Ever

Thank fuck for Moscow State University

Moscow State University got their mits on my Stamp out Spanking research.

Someone – who knows who – sent them all the stuff and sums.

It transpires, I got it all wrong because I’m a “nincompoop”.

My core calculations were based on this equation:

Any fool can see where I erred. It’s quite comical once one sees the silly mistake.

The corrected equation has an elegance about it and, to even the most stupid observer, it is unbelievable I could have made such a balls up:

This has, obviously, made my original research invalid and a load of bollocks.

In fact, the new calculations have revealed spanking is carbon negative. What this means (for you simpletons out there) is spanking actually removes carbon from the atmosphere.

Spank tarts asses and save the world (by removing carbon from the atmosphere)

Continue Reading The best news for humanity in the history of the world. Ever

SAGB

The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB) was founded by Earl Sywwow in 1856.

It gained its Royal Warrant in 1881 awarded by, the then, Prince, Edward.

It has been the UK’s foremost institution regarding disciplining errant females for over 160 years.

Today, its President FOR LIFE is Lord Sywwow, a descendent of the first to hold the seat.

Under his leadership the Association has absorbed both the Irish and French equivalents. This, coupled with the Commonwealth nations (such as Canada and Australia), the successors to what was The British Empire, makes the SAGB the largest organisation of its kind in the world, outside of NATO, the EU, and the UN.

The SAGB Coat of Arms featuring the Scales of Justice and a shiny hat
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The SAS

Those twats at Stamp Out Spanking (SOS) have attempted to distance themselves from me by changing their name to Stop All Spanking (SAS). The cheek of it.

Their posters have appeared all over London with the old name still on them. They’re the same ones I designed and had made. The cheek of it.

I have learned the posters were produced using a red ink that, because of radioactive contamination, turned a nice shade of green. It transpires, the corrupt individual who had them made got the ink on the cheap from Kazakhstan.

I would suggest the authorities pull these posters down as quick as a tart’s knickers.

Don’t go near the posters
Continue Reading The SAS

France Leaves the EU

The flag of the SAGB (Spanking Asociation of Great Britain)

Since becoming President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain I have instigated my plan of world domination.

Within 48 hours of seizing power I took over The Spanking Institution of Eire who simply handed over control.

The European Union of Spankers (the EU) raised objections to me becoming President FOR LIFE of the SAGB and were pissed off about Ireland. Boo Hoo

I then turned my attention to the Punition de la société des femmes in France. I was stunned to learn there has not been a single spanking for over 18 months – not even in Paris.

Disgraceful.

Consequently, I and a number of like-minded individuals, stormed their HQ located at the Bastille. With little or no resistance, we conquered the institution which was founded in 1721.

Now the Punition de la société des femmes is part of the SAGB the EU has gone into a huge sulk and expelled it.

Ergo, France is now part of Great Britain – I can foresee no objections to this, whatsoever.

Vive La Great Britain

Continue Reading France Leaves the EU

Stamp out Spanking

Bastards.

Stamp Out Spanking’s poster

There has been a revolution at the headquarters of Stamp out Spanking.

I’ve been ousted as Supreme Leader at a secret meeting held whilst I was outside having a fag.

Some tart tricked me into spanking her and showed everyone a disgraceful video of me spanking her bare bottom with gay aplomb.

Also, they some how discovered I’ve become President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain. (I’m quite capable of doing two jobs at once).

Apparently, I’m not fit to lead Stamp out Spanking as I’m: “a spanker”, “a hypocrite” and “a jerk”.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

SAGB poster announcing me as President FOR LIFE

Oh, how the worm has turned.

Oh, what a bunch of twats.

Regarding the spanking relapse, I couldn’t help myself and, she claimed to have been naughty. What choice had I?

I’ve suffered defeats and setbacks before.

As God is my witness they’re not going to lick me.
I’m going to live through this and when its all over, I’ll never be hungry again.
No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, as God is my witness I’ll never be hungry again.

Fiddle-dee-dee.

I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ babies (this may prove to have no relevance. I’d give it a go though, I can do anything – except lead Stamp out Spanking, apparently)

Continue Reading Stamp out Spanking

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