International Day of Spanking

Yes, at last, a Day devoted to Spanking: March 11, 2021

International Days’, as they are known, are governed by the United Nations. I bow to no-one, least of all the UN. Ergo, the date is set in stone and is irrevocable.

The day is to honour the dedication and self-sacrifice of those who bring discipline to Tart’s throughout the world by spanking their arses. By ‘those’ I chiefly mean: ME.

Continue Reading International Day of Spanking

SoSA acquired by SAGB

Australia’s SoSA (The Spanking of Sheila’s Association) has been taken over by The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB)

President for LIFE, Lord Sywwow, said: “I should have done it ages ago. Tarts in Australia, as far as I can tell, have not been spanked since 1982. This, thanks to me, is set to change”.

What an astounding and great man he is.

Figures reveal spanking did actually cease in 1982 and government figures reveal naughtiness soared since that date (among Tarts).

Lord Sywwow, who is scared of spiders, especially big ones, was tackled over this issue and asked if he would ever dare go there: “I may or may not go there, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. However, I have someone over there to handle things”. He then added; “She’s a Sheila”.

Continue Reading SoSA acquired by SAGB

SAGB tackles COVID

Continued disruption to travel means some of you tarts are racking up a large number of spanks which I can’t deliver.

When I get to your arse it may not be feasible to deliver, for instance, 10,000 spanks.

Thankfully the geniuses at The Spanking Association of Great Britain have formulated an algorithm which converts spanks into other forms of punishment thus reducing the punishment load.

The table below is so straight forward even a tart could use it.

I have been reliably informed an App will soon be available very similar to my Cum Calculator.

Thank fuck someone’s dealing with the shit we’re all in

Continue Reading SAGB tackles COVID

Old rule from years ago comes in handy

I had a bike the other week but swiftly fell off it. Technically, therefore, I didn’t sit astride it. I am not a tart so this is irrelevant.

Fun Fact for Fun: The French for Bicycle is “chevaux de wheels

Continue Reading Old rule from years ago comes in handy

The bottom of a lady is a delicate thing of beauty

The bottom of a lady is a delicate thing of beauty so must be afforded a choice as regards what whacks it.

Speaking at a conference on what’s wrong with everything, Lord Sywwow said; “I provide a huge range of options for tarts to choose from as regards what whacks their bottoms”.

It’s this attention to detail and his dedication to providing tarts with what they really want that sets the great man apart: “I am dedicated to providing tarts with what they really want. That’s what sets me apart”, said the President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain.

Lord Sywwow is available to spank your arse and can be contacted via his website

 

Continue Reading The bottom of a lady is a delicate thing of beauty

Penile Reform

I read some stuff I wrote about Prisons and was shocked.

There are all sorts of stuff wrong with women’s prisons.

Here’s a graph:

I’ve decided to step in and have offered Her Majesty’s Government the services of The Spanking Association of Great Britain whereby we would run some prisons and I’d reform the, personally selected by me, tarts using my skills.

I am yet to receive a response

 

Continue Reading Penile Reform

French Scandal – in France

Since becoming President FOR LIFE of Punition de la société des femmes I have learned stuff about France, some of it quite shocking.

This once great nation engages in the most barbaric thing I’ve ever come across: Whores Racing.

These loons get whores and make them race against each other.

A Whore

If that’s not bad enough the whores have to jump hedges and fences. If the whores don’t run fast enough, they whip them – which is understandable were it not for the fact they’re being forced to Whores Race at the time.

If a whore fall’s and breaks her leg they shoot her. For fuck’s sake this is the 20th Century not 1982.

I love whores. To think of them being forced to run naked through muddy fields covered in shit & dirt, being whipped and made to jump over hedges breaks my heart.

We at the Punition de la société des femmes take a pretty dim view of all this and will raise the matter with the French government at the earliest opportunity.

If you’re French, you can do your bit to end this cruel & unusual barbarity by writing to your President:

Oi, Macron.
Stop all this Whores Racing bollocks right now you French Twat
Your signature

If she was in France (which she clearly isn’t) they would take all her clothes off, make her run through fields and jump over hedges whilst whipping her bare bottom. Unbelievable. End this cruelty right now, you French wankers

 

Depuis que je suis président à vie de Punition de la société des femmes, j’ai appris des choses sur la France, dont certaines assez choquantes.

Cette grande nation jadis s’engage dans la chose la plus barbare que je connaisse: Whores Racing.

Ces huards obtiennent des Whores et les font courir les uns contre les autres.

Si cela ne suffit pas, les putes doivent sauter des haies et des clôtures. Si les putes ne courent pas assez vite, elles les fouettent – ce qui est compréhensible si ce n’était le fait qu’elles soient forcées à Whores Race à l’époque.

Une Whore

Si une pute tombe et se casse la jambe, elle lui tire dessus. Pour l’amour du ciel, c’est le 20e siècle, pas 1982.

J’adore les Whores. Penser à les forcer à courir nus dans des champs boueux couverts de merde et de saleté, à être fouettés et à sauter par-dessus des haies me brise le cœur.

À la Punition de la société des femmes, nous avons une vision assez sombre de tout cela et nous en informerons le gouvernement français dès que possible.

Si vous êtes français, vous pouvez faire votre part pour mettre fin à cette barbarie cruelle et inhabituelle en écrivant à votre président:

Oi, Macron.
Arrêtez tous ces bollocks Whores Racing en ce moment vous French Twat
Votre signature


Si elle était en France (ce qui n’est clairement pas le cas), ils lui retireraient tous ses vêtements, la feraient courir à travers les champs et sauter par-dessus les haies tout en lui fouettant le bas. Incroyable. Mettez fin à cette cruauté maintenant, vous wankers français
Continue Reading French Scandal – in France

Bad Spanking

Let’s examine the common mistake being undertaken in this caning procedure:

Shambolic & disorganised caning: A travesty

 

The tart in control has not listened to my advice, instructions or commands and, as you can see, is using the cane at a 48.7-degree angle in parallel to the bottom instead of the, correct, 45-degree angle in parallel to the bottom.

I punished the incompetent tart by caning her arse and ensuring the cane was at the correct 45-degree angle in parallel to the bottom at all times.

Together we can wipe out bad spanking – if we listen to ME

Write to your MEP today and tell them they’re a twat.


 

Continue Reading Bad Spanking

From the SAGB Archives

Lecturer Ms. Julia, here instructs a class of tarts what to expect when they get the cane.

Using a student whose name is not recorded, she shows the different whacking techniques involved on the arse of a slut.

She had, apparently, chosen this particular Blonde Bombshell on which to demonstrate because she was “A loon”.

Many of the class members said they didn’t understand, weren’t looking or needed further guidance. Several said they couldn’t hear properly and one, a diligent student of merit, named Louise, asked to see it again because she liked it.

Ms. Julia, ever a helpful tutor, did the entire demonstration over again – 16 times.

The unnamed loon missed the following week’s lecture, “How not to be a loon” claiming to have; “a sore bottom, a very sore bottom”. For missing a lecture without good reason, she was given the cane – by Ms. Julia.

SAGB lecturer, Ms. Julia, strikes a loon’s backside to show tarts what caning is all about

 

The Spanking Association of Great Britain: Caring for the Empire’s bottoms since 1856

Continue Reading From the SAGB Archives

I get up to mischief

As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB it pains me that so many tarts don’t get the punishment they so sorely deserve through loop-holes regarding naughtiness.

In a world first I have summarily introduced the element of mischief.

Aside from frequently spelling it wrongly by putting the ‘i’ in the wrong place it is a fool-proof tool to trap tarts into a trouncing.

Here is an example:

A tart gets a nail in her tyre thus causing aggravation and expense to her owner. The owner can’t really spank her because she’s not technically been naughty. However, she has been up to mischief. Ergo, she must be spanked. Result. Genius.

All tarts are up to mischief all the time (FACT)

Look at this tart deliberately not being naughty to avoid a well-deserved spanking. Her lack of naughtiness meant no spanking. Until now. Now she is clearly guilty of mischief and, as a consequence of this mischief, must be spanked – I’m a fucking genius

 

Continue Reading I get up to mischief

Guilty

Never let it be said a naughty tart doesn’t get a fair hearing before being punished (by ME)

 

Continue Reading Guilty

My Report to the EU

As promised, here is my report to the EU all about health (spanking).

This is a formal public publishing of the report thus satisfying the EU’s requirements and enabling immediate payment in full for the final instalment of the massive grant I got for doing it.

Continue Reading My Report to the EU

I do a report for the EU

The Die Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten of Deutschland came under the control of The Spanking Association of Great Britain whose President FOR LIFE is me.

As Germany is in the EU, I easily secured a huge grant for the Die Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten of Deutschland to produce some report or other regarding health (spanking).

I blew the lot, of course, straight away, on all the usual: tarts, booze, fags, cornettos, private jets, cars etcetera.

Anyway, the EU want the report published ‘publicly’ before they’ll give me the final instalment of 200,000 euros. They’ll regret that.

Ergo, I’m going to throw together some bollocks and put it on here thus meeting the ‘publicly published’ criteria.

The ‘Spanking to Pain Ratio Report’ will be available within 24 hours as I really need that cash.

 

Continue Reading I do a report for the EU

SAGB Press Release: Women’s role in Society

Since seizing power of the Spanking Association of Great Britain, Lord Sywwow has been making radical changes to the organisation.

Byline: The latest initiative is to give tarts a more prominent role.

Lord Sywwow: “Ever since its formation in 1856, the SAGB has used tarts. We were the first government institution in the Empire to allow females to use the new-fangled ‘pen’ which others said women would only end up poking in their eyes or swallowing. Many did, of course, but we were the first to allow them to do so”.

Lord Sywwow continues: “I have ruled that women, henceforth, will be allowed full spanking privileges within the SAGB and, thusly, be allowed to spank other tarts. On the proviso, I supervise the whole affair”.

Lord Sywwow then made matters worse by stating: “Of course, they can’t spank men. Why would a man need spanking in the first place? It’s bizarre.”

There’s more: “I am fully aware of their lack of ability as I covered in my book: Women are Rubbish at Punishment Because They’re Feeble in Mind & Body – There are NO Exceptions (Dr. S Thorne, Oxford University Press, 2007). Which is why I’m also sanctioning the use of the cane”.

We couldn’t shut the fucker up: “The belt and whip are out of the question. They can’t be trusted. As I made clear in my work: Women are Even More Stupid than Men – Because of Their Tiny Brains (Dr. S Thorne, Virgin Publishing, 2009).

Thankfully he finally concluded with: “The world is made better every day thanks to me and the SAGB

It’s all thanks to me the above happened and I brought the pictures to you thanks to some software I got from an insecure website – a bit like Facebook

 

Notes to editors:

  • Please don’t run this story
  • Lord Sywwow is President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB)
  • Please don’t use any of his quotes or mention those books
  • Don’t print stuff about the software theft
  • Especially don’t mention those evil twats Facebook
    Pippa G. Press Office – SAGB, London
Continue Reading SAGB Press Release: Women’s role in Society

Spanking Demo

What a bunch of twats:

  1. No-one was arrested.
  2. They all went home when I told them to
  3. I will spank every single tart in Great Britain (and beyond its shores) whom wants or needs it – my word is my bond
  4. I wasn’t available for comment because I was spanking two, yes two, tarts – oh, the irony

 

Continue Reading Spanking Demo

From the archives of the SAGB

1861 was the year a new technical innovation was adopted by the SAGB – ever the innovators. The ‘Swish Stick’ was an immediate hit.


Trying out the new-fangled device is, legendary spanking personage, Baron Sywwow. The Baron, known as ‘The Bonkers Baron’ was only with the SAGB for a brief time due to being despatched in a duel over some horse droppings on his boot.

Pictured with the Baron is Miss Anna, assistant to the great man and, street girl, Julia. (Anna is the one being thrashed)

Continue Reading From the archives of the SAGB

From the SAGB Archives – 1871

Education and training have always been a key element in the structure of the SAGB.

A sketch from 1871 shows Mistress Julie practicing whipping techniques on a village girl hired for the work at the rate of 2 pennies per week.

Mistresses Anna practices on, fellow SAGB Mistress under Instruction, Astrid.

Today, things are for more refined: all training is done by, President FOR LIFE, Lord Sywwow

 

Continue Reading From the SAGB Archives – 1871

From the SAGB Achives

In the days before photography, the SAGB employed a number of sketch artists to record our activities.

Here we see, SAGB ‘Mistress’, Miss Thamara on duty in a Department Store in Halifax.

Records state a Miss Anna had been ‘exhibiting herself to the distraction of store lads by the wearing of provocative pretty bows in her hair”.

Miss Thamara delivers the prescribed punishment of seven spanks to the bottom.

Two other shop girls, Miss Julia and Miss Simone look on, glad they don’t carry on like a hussy.

Continue Reading From the SAGB Achives

Spanking Emergency Powers Act (2020)

Further to the Prime Minister’s announcement regarding the “Great British Tradition of Naughtiness and Spanking” and the need to preserve it, I have created the necessary paperwork to facilitate the practices.

If you find it absolutely essential to do something naughty then please fill in the form and get it signed by an individual authorised by The Spanking Association of Great Britain (The SAGB).

Naughtiness should be limited to pretty mild stuff within a set time period.

You are reminded to hold on to the form after being naughty and present it to me at a later date so I can apportion the correct punishment – decided by me.

Yes, you can be naughty thanks to this form but, and I mean but, you cannot escape your well-deserved spanking.

We can’t have anarchy: this is England

Please note: Thanks to my friends in the United Nations, The wonderful land which is The United States of America and The Great State of Russia, the form has complete validity throughout the known world.

Continue Reading Spanking Emergency Powers Act (2020)

My new SAS flyer

I have hastily re-done my leaflet attacking the SAS (Stop All Spanking).

The new leaflet, currently landing on the doormats of Hereford residents, makes it clear The SAS (Special Air Service) are great and not the target of my ire.


The fact remains, the EU funded this debacle (indirectly).

Continue Reading My new SAS flyer

My disastrous new SAGB mailshot

The SAS insignia: If you like killing people they’re a great outfit to join

Lacking the bottomless pit of dosh available to the SAS I could only afford a mailshot to a town of around 55,000 population. Totally at random, I chose Hereford.

I took aim at those jerks the SAS (Stop all Spanking). However, Hereford also happens to be the base for, psycho soldiers, the SAS (Special Air Service) whom took exception at the swipe they thought was aimed at them.

At 3am this morning (or another morning) they entered my premises through the bedroom window and made clear their anger at the whole thing.

After a roughing up and some torture we all had a good laugh when I managed, between kicks to the face & bollocks, to explain away the confusion.

I have agreed to mailshot Hereford again – at their expense, to clarify the issue.

When I also blabbed the EU had funded the mailshot (indirectly) they were absolutely fuming. After some tea and toast, they all rushed off to Europe for some ‘payback’. I wouldn’t like to be in the EU right now, that’s for sure.

The SAS storm off to the EU who, unwisely, funded the whole atrocious leaflet affair (indirectly).
Continue Reading My disastrous new SAGB mailshot

Japan

I’ve had a phone call from a rather irate member of the Foreign Office.

He tells me I’ve ‘upset Japan’. I don’t know precisely what I’ve done to upset Japan – it’s always a mystery to me, this sort of thing.

I have no wish to upset anyone. Ergo, I apologise to Japan.

Lord Sywwow
President FOR LIFE of the 規律の名誉ある目的のために女性の底のスパンキングのほとんどの帝国と優れた機関

Let us look forward to a new age of sore bottoms thanks to me, your President FOR LIFE.


外務省のかなり激怒したメンバーから電話がありました。

彼は私が「日本を動揺させた」と言った。私は日本をひっくり返すために何をしたのか正確には知りません。この種のことは常に私にとって謎です。

私は誰をも怒らせたくない。エルゴ、日本に謝罪します。

シウワウ
人生の大統領 規律の名誉ある目的のために女性の底のスパンキングのほとんどの帝国と優れた機関

あなたの人生の大統領である私に感謝します。


Gaimushō no kanari gekido shita menbā kara denwa ga arimashita. Kare wa watashi ga `Nihon o dōyō sa seta’ to itta. Watashi wa Nihon o hikkurikaesu tame ni nani o shita no ka seikaku ni wa shirimasen. Kono tane no koto wa tsuneni watashi ni totte nazodesu. Watashi wa dare o mo okora setakunai. Erugo, Nihon ni shazai shimasu. Shiuwau jinsei no daitōryō 規律の名誉ある目的のために女性の底のスパンキングのほとんどの帝国と優れた機関

Anata no jinsei no daitōryōdearu watashi ni kansha shimasu.

Continue Reading Japan

The SAS

My new mailshot designed to tackle the misinformation being disseminated by the SAS (Stop All Spanking) has taken place.

Lacking the resources of the SAS, I could only target a small English town. Hereford was chosen at random because of its population figures.

I think the leaflet will be a great success and, certainly, will be well received in Hereford.

 

Continue Reading The SAS

Great Britain’s Brexit Shame

This is what really happened on the day when we left the EU:

We had all the stationery away. We also ‘alf-inched a load of light bulbs, desks, laptops and shit like that.
If it wasn’t screwed down – we lifted it.

Not only did we leave the lights on in our offices but we locked the doors and trashed the keys. Yes, trashed, no more landfill tax for us – I’ve just opened one: it’s fucking huge and I’m raking in the dosh.

I’m currently flogging staplers and pens on ebay – grab yourself a bargain.

[Name withheld] nabbed a lorry load of photos – of Jean-Claude Juncker. What a div. The honourable thing to do was to return them, which is what we did. The frames are available to buy on [Name withheld’s] ebay shop.

My latest leaflet campaign may be modest in comparison to those lying twats the SAS but is entirely funded by a lorry load of soap I’m flogging. The soap has a load of stars on them, in a circle – it hasn’t harmed their sell-ability.

As soon as I’ve shifted the last of the soap I’ll launch my leaflet campaign which, just like the SAS, will be funded by the EU (indirectly).

Continue Reading Great Britain’s Brexit Shame

EU money blown by twats

As a parting gift, the EU awarded the SAS (Stop All Spanking) a sum of over a million pounds to ‘aid their work on carbon emissions’. Lying cunts. They’ve done it to wind me up.

The discredited theory that spanking causes a build-up of carbon in the atmosphere is still being peddled by these charlatans.

They’ve just launched a huge mailshot campaign that idiots in the general population will believe because they’re idiots.

The mailshot is abysmal. Clearly, they’ve simply ripped off a health & safety leaflet and gave up half way through.

The SAS leaflet paid for by the EU. What a load of shit

I bet they’ve blown most of the EU’s money on themselves and parties – just like everyone else does.

Worry not for I have a plan (which involves using EU money – suckers).

Continue Reading EU money blown by twats

Peace in our Time

The flag of the SAGB pictured here hoisted above the Bastille offices of Punition de la société des femmes in Paris (France)

As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB, a position handed to me by the previous incumbent who is sadly no longer with us, I am also President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Institution of Eire and President FOR LIFE of Punition de la société des femmes in France. (Both positions were attained with little or no horribleness).

It is with great pleasure that I announce an agreement with the Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины of the Great State of Russia.

This Pact of Cane between the SAGB and our comrade allies will offer the peace and prosperity Europe is in such need of.

Both I and the Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины of the Great State of Russia are growing increasingly concerned with the Die Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten of Germany.

My representative in Berlin has handed them a note…


Frieden in unserer Zeit

Als Presdient FOR LIFE der SAGB, eine Position, die mir der bisherige Amtsinhaber, der leider nicht mehr bei uns ist, übertragen hat, bin ich auch Präsident FOR LIFE der Spanking Institution of Eire und Präsident FOR LIFE der Punition de la société des femmes in Frankreich . (Beide Positionen wurden mit wenig oder keiner Schrecklichkeit erreicht).

Es ist mir eine große Freude, eine Vereinbarung mit dem Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины des Großen Staates Russland bekannt zu geben.

Dieser Pane of Cane zwischen der SAGB und unseren Verbündeten wird den Frieden und Wohlstand bieten, den Europa so braucht.

Sowohl ich als auch die Верховный Совет Народов по лечению нижней дисциплины des Großen Staates Russland beschäftigen sich zunehmend mit der Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten Deutschlands.

Mein Vertreter in Berlin hat ihnen eine Notiz gegeben …


Мир в наше время

Как Президент ЗА ЖИЗНЬ САГБ, должность, которую мне передал предыдущий президент, которого, к сожалению, больше нет с нами, я также являюсь Президентом ЗА ЖИЗНЬ Шлепающего Учреждения Эйре и Президентом ЗА ЖИЗНЬ за Наказание де ла соцсети во Франции , (Обе позиции были достигнуты практически без ужаса).

С большим удовольствием я объявляю о соглашении с Верховным Советом Великой Государственной Руси.

Этот тростниковый договор между САГБ и нашими товарищами-союзниками обеспечит мир и процветание, в которых так нуждается Европа.

И я, и Верховный Совет Великой Государственной Руси все более обеспокоены проблемой «Die Abteilung für demokratische Prügelangelegenheiten» из Германии.

Мой представитель в Берлине вручил им записку …

Continue Reading Peace in our Time

A Formal announcement

As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB (a position I attained with little in the way of casualties, or ‘victims‘ as they refer to themselves) I am oft called upon to settle issues affecting Great Britain, and, for that matter, the entire known world.

Once such issue of late pertains to tickling.

Tickling, in itself, is not corporal punishment. This remains unchanged.

Taking under consideration submissions made to me by, of all people, the Spanish, I have conducted an in-depth analysis of the procedures.

I have determined tickling can form part of corporal punishment as a precursor to the event.

Providing the tart is held or tied in position securely and tickled relentlessly, she will eventually involuntarily pee herself. This, of course, is a crime punishable by 17 spanks and/or 6 stripes with the cane and/or a lash of the belt.

Ergo, the policy, moving forward, is tickling is part of corporal punishment.

Continue Reading A Formal announcement

British Ballet

The SAGB has long been associated with the arts in the UK.

Quoted in 1947, Earl Sywwow, then President, said: “The depravations suffered by the Empire in these post-war times is greatly alleviated thanks to our culture and traditions. The SAGB plays its part, as ever, in bringing a little happiness into the lives of so many“.

Here, from the archives, we see, SAGB Stalwart, Ms Penelope on secondment to the British Ballet providing training services during rehearsals for “Swan Lake”.

The British Ballet rehearses Swan Lake

 

Continue Reading British Ballet

Stop All Spanking: Press Release

The following Press Release is available sans credit or permissions issued by The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB):

The assertion made by Stop All Spanking (SAS) that spanking causes additional carbon in the atmosphere is bogus.

The calculations used are invalid and have been proved as such by the renowned Moscow State University and, more recently, NASA.

The errors in the equation are evident even to idiots who can’t do sums.

The bad maths is clear for all to see

 

[Quote: attributable]: President of the SAGB, Lord Sywwow: “Spanking is Carbon Negative: FACT”.

It is hoped the above will put an end to these scurrilous rumours being spread by the SAS.

Update: correction: This is the wrong sums

 

Lord Sywwow will be appearing, live, on The Victoria Derbyshire Show (BBC Two & BBC News Channel) on Wednesday 19 February.

Update: Clarification: This is the right adding up stuff which proves WITHOUT DOUBT – spanking is Carbon Negative

 

Update: More clarification: Carbon Negative means carbon is removed from the atmosphere. This means spanking takes carbon out of the atmosphere: FACT

Update: Lord Sywwow will not be appearing, live, on The Victoria Derbyshire Show (BBC Two & BBC News Channel) on Wednesday 19 February.

Continue Reading Stop All Spanking: Press Release

Sywwow can’t appear on the Victoria Derbyshire Show because he’s been kidnapped

Because I had nothing else to do I decided to listen to some advice.

If only I’d not been kidnapped I could have appeared on Victoria’s lovely show. I’m so annoyed by the whole kidnapping affair which has meant THERE IS NO WAY I CAN POSSIBLY APPEAR irrespective of any contract I may have signed. There’s no need to bother the authorities with all this – I’m sure it will sort itself out

Ergo, I’ve done a 180-degree U turn regarding the Victoria Derbyshire Show.

I’m not doing it.

She’ll make mincemeat out of me. I’ll come out looking like a loon of epic looniness. According to a new friend I’ve got, she was going to ‘hang me out to dry’. I don’t like the sound of that.

I thought she was going to let me bang on for ages with my brilliant thoughts on how the world could be made better – by me. In fact, the opposite was going to happen.

I’ve come up with an unnecessarily complex and over elaborate excuse why I can’t appear. Its foolproofishness is devilish and removes all possibility of me being trapped into appearing – despite the contract I stupidly signed.

Once again my genius is exposed for all to see.

So, we won’t be hearing any more from Ms. Derbyshire – that’s for sure.

Continue Reading Sywwow can’t appear on the Victoria Derbyshire Show because he’s been kidnapped

The Victoria Derbyshire Show

As President FOR LIFE of the SAGB I am called upon to talk about the wonderful work the institution does for the good of all mankind.

This was the reason I found myself, this morning, speaking to a lovely filly working for The Victoria Derbyshire Show. Pippa said she was a ‘researcher’. Apparently, Victoria wants me to appear on her show to ‘justify’ myself.

For those of you who don’t know, the Victoria Derbyshire Show is a BBC News production. (BBC News don’t do news anymore). The show consists entirely of women whingeing on about fuck all, their imaginary ailments and various neurotic gibberish.

For example: During the First World War an alarming and baffling condition arose in soldiers serving in the trenches. It eventually became known as “shell shock”. Nowadays, it is called PTSD. Footage from the period shows how utterly terrifying the condition was. Today, women say they’ve got PTSD when someone farts on the bus or they have a bad hair day. They go on Victoria’s show and blab this bollocks with Derbyshire nodding in full agreement.

My good friend Boris said “Spaffing up the wall” on her show. She will never let that go – ever.

I will go on her inane programme to put her, and the rest of those stupid idiot women, right. In no uncertain terms.

Marie, Moira, Bonnie, Penelope, Samantha, the researcher from the show, my mother, the list is endless, are vehemently against me going on the show.

Who knows what’s best? A bunch of silly tarts or me? Exactly.

Don’t miss it

 

Continue Reading The Victoria Derbyshire Show

SAGB Archives – Ms. Penelope

As President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (established 1856) – a position I attained with little bloodshed and violence – I have access to all the archives and a load of shit on notable figures.

I have put together a gallery where, SAGB member, Ms. Penelope punishes a floozy (Julia) for disgraceful conduct.

The lashing dolled out by Ms Penelope (now Dame Penelope of Bridlington) was deserved by the slut Julia because she had been listening to long haired singers on a transistor radio. Long haired pop singers up to their ears in funny smelling cigarettes – I’ll be bound.

After this thrashing, Julia never did naughty things ever again and went on to become a Prime Minister of a Great Nation close to the EU (But NOT IN THE EU – any more).

Today, we can look back with fondness to a time when tarts got thrashed for fuck all – sometimes by other gorgeous tarts.

Those days are here again because:
I, Lord Sywwow, am President FOR LIFE of The Spanking Association of Great Britain (established 1856)

Continue Reading SAGB Archives – Ms. Penelope

The best news for humanity in the history of the world. Ever

Thank fuck for Moscow State University

Moscow State University got their mits on my Stamp out Spanking research.

Someone – who knows who – sent them all the stuff and sums.

It transpires, I got it all wrong because I’m a “nincompoop”.

My core calculations were based on this equation:

Any fool can see where I erred. It’s quite comical once one sees the silly mistake.

The corrected equation has an elegance about it and, to even the most stupid observer, it is unbelievable I could have made such a balls up:

This has, obviously, made my original research invalid and a load of bollocks.

In fact, the new calculations have revealed spanking is carbon negative. What this means (for you simpletons out there) is spanking actually removes carbon from the atmosphere.

Spank tarts asses and save the world (by removing carbon from the atmosphere)

Continue Reading The best news for humanity in the history of the world. Ever

SAGB

The Spanking Association of Great Britain (SAGB) was founded by Earl Sywwow in 1856.

It gained its Royal Warrant in 1881 awarded by, the then, Prince, Edward.

It has been the UK’s foremost institution regarding disciplining errant females for over 160 years.

Today, its President FOR LIFE is Lord Sywwow, a descendent of the first to hold the seat.

Under his leadership the Association has absorbed both the Irish and French equivalents. This, coupled with the Commonwealth nations (such as Canada and Australia), the successors to what was The British Empire, makes the SAGB the largest organisation of its kind in the world, outside of NATO, the EU, and the UN.

The SAGB Coat of Arms featuring the Scales of Justice and a shiny hat
Continue Reading SAGB

The SAS

Those twats at Stamp Out Spanking (SOS) have attempted to distance themselves from me by changing their name to Stop All Spanking (SAS). The cheek of it.

Their posters have appeared all over London with the old name still on them. They’re the same ones I designed and had made. The cheek of it.

I have learned the posters were produced using a red ink that, because of radioactive contamination, turned a nice shade of green. It transpires, the corrupt individual who had them made got the ink on the cheap from Kazakhstan.

I would suggest the authorities pull these posters down as quick as a tart’s knickers.

Don’t go near the posters
Continue Reading The SAS

France Leaves the EU

The flag of the SAGB (Spanking Asociation of Great Britain)

Since becoming President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain I have instigated my plan of world domination.

Within 48 hours of seizing power I took over The Spanking Institution of Eire who simply handed over control.

The European Union of Spankers (the EU) raised objections to me becoming President FOR LIFE of the SAGB and were pissed off about Ireland. Boo Hoo

I then turned my attention to the Punition de la société des femmes in France. I was stunned to learn there has not been a single spanking for over 18 months – not even in Paris.

Disgraceful.

Consequently, I and a number of like-minded individuals, stormed their HQ located at the Bastille. With little or no resistance, we conquered the institution which was founded in 1721.

Now the Punition de la société des femmes is part of the SAGB the EU has gone into a huge sulk and expelled it.

Ergo, France is now part of Great Britain – I can foresee no objections to this, whatsoever.

Vive La Great Britain

Continue Reading France Leaves the EU

Stamp out Spanking

Bastards.

Stamp Out Spanking’s poster

There has been a revolution at the headquarters of Stamp out Spanking.

I’ve been ousted as Supreme Leader at a secret meeting held whilst I was outside having a fag.

Some tart tricked me into spanking her and showed everyone a disgraceful video of me spanking her bare bottom with gay aplomb.

Also, they some how discovered I’ve become President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain. (I’m quite capable of doing two jobs at once).

Apparently, I’m not fit to lead Stamp out Spanking as I’m: “a spanker”, “a hypocrite” and “a jerk”.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

SAGB poster announcing me as President FOR LIFE

Oh, how the worm has turned.

Oh, what a bunch of twats.

Regarding the spanking relapse, I couldn’t help myself and, she claimed to have been naughty. What choice had I?

I’ve suffered defeats and setbacks before.

As God is my witness they’re not going to lick me.
I’m going to live through this and when its all over, I’ll never be hungry again.
No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, as God is my witness I’ll never be hungry again.

Fiddle-dee-dee.

I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ babies (this may prove to have no relevance. I’d give it a go though, I can do anything – except lead Stamp out Spanking, apparently)

Continue Reading Stamp out Spanking

Spanking Association of Great Britain

After something of a bloodless (almost) coup, I am now President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain.

This venerable institution, founded during the reign of the Old Queen, shall be transformed by my leadership. The Ruling Council have been dismissed, as have everyone else who opposed me.

Let us look forward to a new golden age.

My first act is to quadruple my pay and, henceforth, I shall be the one to check all my expenses are valid. The first of which is a car befitting a president like what I am.

 

I thank all involved for coming to realise only someone of my calibre can hold such a position.

I shall be firm but fair (mainly firm)

Continue Reading Spanking Association of Great Britain

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