I’m constantly thinking of ways to rule the world. I spend an equal amount of time (but less) pondering how I can help you Tarts with your many many, mostly imaginary, issues.

I have come up with an idea of such greatness there is no other word for it than ‘very good’.

Yes, a business card.

Print it out, preferably on card, cut it out and carry it around with you at all times.

If you find yourself in urgent need of a spanking, remember the card. Genius.

Equally, if you encounter one of your friends in urgent need of a spanking, give her the card. Double genius. Then, on returning home, simply print another one out, preferably on card, cut it out and carry it around with you at all times.

Continue Reading Carded

A Legal Conundrum

Aphrodite attended the Chambers of her learned Barrister, Sir JF Montgomery, OBE, VC, QC.

After due deliberation and consulting with members of his team, he concluded the Voucher she had brought with her was indeed bona-fide. He advised her accordingly.

Happy with this reassurance she judged his fee of £12,570 for the five minutes he had afforded her money well spent.

Several days later she redeemed the voucher and was most satisfied. Additionally, she congratulated herself in her astuteness in getting a most excellent service for FREE

Continue Reading A Legal Conundrum

Here’s something to read

I found the sywwow site on google searching for something nothing to do with spanking.

I looked at the site a few times before realising I was looking at it often. Especially the things about spanking and was fantasising about it. One night I contacted Sywwow and we started emailing each other a lot.

After a while I wanted him to spank me but I’d use dating Apps and this was different but he made me feel okay about it and told me the safety precautions which he had some of them I’d used with Tinder like telling someone where you are and times.

Eventually I decided to do it and he picked me up from Birmingham Station. It was a long drive to his place but that gave us chance to talk. He’s very funny so I felt less worried about it all.

At his house it was normal not whips and chains and things like that like I expected there to be. He wasn’t rushing me or anything and it was like a game. I had to tell him all about me being naughty and we filled a form in!

I wanted him to do me without clothes so he undressed me which was good, erotic. He then put me over his knees and I had to count the spanks. I didn’t think this was very original but I had to use his counting ways and didn’t understand it and lost count again and again. In the end I used the safe word otherwise I think he’d still be spanking me now.

It didn’t hurt that much but he showed me how red my bum was. I had a sudden thought and I changed what I’d put on his form. He discussed it with me and then I’m tied to his bed with him caning me and using the belt. I used the safe word again and again because that did hurt. He was patient and only started again when I said I was okay. That was great fun which I never expected and I’ve still got marks now over a week later!

I liked it a lot and it was different than I thought it would be.

You will probably have three questions. If they are the same as mine would be the answer is yes I did, yes I will and yes you should.


Continue Reading Here’s something to read

A note in a diary

A sad tale now from remnants of a diary found in the SAGB archives concerning a lady of Bristol:

I’ve finished crying now and am composed enough to stick my nose into this business: what a lazy twat the Victorian Lord Sywwow was. He should have made the time. And, 17 petticoats is the equivalent to a stubborn pair of jeans in my expert opinion so should have proved little in the way of a challenge.

Ladies, fret ye not: I shall overcome all obstacles and petticoats, innumerable though they may well be, and shall spank your bare bottoms. This is my promise and my oath. God save the Queen.

Continue Reading A note in a diary

First Time?

Being spanked for the first time can be a daunting experience. “It was very daunting” – as a Tart told me once.

I specialise in difficult cases and the tender Tarts wishing to find out what it’s like to be spanked.

My world-famous guide gives a flavour of what to expect and I guarantee you will not regret contacting the gentleman spanker which I am.

It seems to me; many disciplinarians are just too ‘aggressive’ for want of a better term. This, I can assure you, is not a requirement and a gentler approach to your treasured bum can be adopted by the expert which is I.

Continue Reading First Time?

Disciplining an Undisciplined World

Once in every thousand years or so comes a man who sorts everything out in the world – usually through spanking Tarts or such-like

This man thinks not of himself but the good he can do by thrashing Tarts arses and granting them their bizarre sexual requests

Such a hero is content to do his necessary work sans reward or adulation though a bit of adulation wouldn’t go amiss. In fact, some adulation and worship would be looked upon favourably

You too can help him in his quest to bring discipline to an undisciplined world. All you have to do, providing you’re a Tart, is use the Contact Form, blab about your naughtiness and expect a reply detailing how he can whack your arse with a dizzying array of options regarding the delivery of this deserved bum soreness.

He’ll do other thing to you too but I’ll leave that for you and him to discuss when you Contact Him (providing you’re a Tart).

Not all heroes wear capes. I have got a cape though. It’s black with red lining and a neck chain. Its got a secret pocket for a dagger or small sword. I’m like a great guy in a Victorian Melodrama


To find out more about being spanked: go here

Continue Reading Disciplining an Undisciplined World

Curiouser and curiouser

Whether you be a Parlour Maid, a Princess or a famous Hollywood actress– I will gladly spank your arse.

Age, looks and all other superficialities are immaterial to me – I will attend to your bottom.

There are 50 or so static pages on this site the most popular being my Spanking Services Page. As it says on there, I am happy to answer questions or enter into correspondence

It has been reported to me, Tarts experience itching on their buttocks when reading my Spanking Services Page – I am in command of a number of forces you may have heard of but dismissed as fanciful

I do a number of other things than just spanking. You can discover all about these when you:

Continue Reading Curiouser and curiouser

“I pissed myself laughing”

As some of you tarts may know, I go the extra mile or kilometre to give you what you want, wish for or desire – providing you ask nicely and profusely use the word ‘please’.

I delight in delivering torment & torture to your delightful bodies regardless of any superficiality such as the size you may think you are – which is usually wrong.

I have at my disposal a vast range of accoutrements to aid me in this pursuit.

I am not averse to the web but most of what I use is adapted from existing items which illustrates my genius. I despise the lack of originality, thought and flair prevalent in all things today as the world, not me, drifts into obscurity.

For some time, I have underestimated a particular area: Tickling.

The torment of Tickling is sublime. Requiring restraint using my unique & secret Tart Ties I find excessive, incessant tickling results in mild exhaustion and involuntary peeing.

The humiliation of pissing yourself is quite exhilarating (for ME). Coupled with the fatigue you feel from being tickled until you reach the climax I require, render you far more pliable as regards the next stage: spanking.

I have always been an innovator leading the way whilst the mundane follow. For this reason, much of my adaptations remain a secret. With tickling, I basically use off the shelf dusters, and of course, my fingers.

A selection of tickling implements: I love the telescopic ones


“I pissed myself laughing”

If you would like to be tickled so much you piss yourself:

Continue Reading “I pissed myself laughing”

Visit Sywwow

Visit Britain are wrong in their assertion Spanking is ‘not something we wish to promote

Some of the £900 million tourist income they go on about was down to me and my spanking.

If they backed me and gave me some of that lovely grant money, I reckon I could bump that 900 million up to a billion, easily.

I offer a comprehensive package. In addition to my spanking & related services, I have optional ‘treatments’. All meals and, of course, sleeping arrangements are catered for.

My inclusive deals include excursions to places like the RSC in Stratford, jousting at Warwick Castle and shopping in Birmingham as well as other delightful days out such as horse riding and sailing.

Entertainment is part of my hosting which includes topless chess, topless sword fighting and the chance to act in one of my plays. Not to mention dancing and role play.

All of this and more are at a fixed price. I can’t stand it when I go somewhere and its extra for this, extra for that, so I will not do it myself. Instead, it is all available it’s up to the visitor what she wants or doesn’t.

What’s more, if finance is an issue, I offer the exact same package as paying guests for absolutely nothing.

Conversely, the more refined are treated exactly the same yet I have a helicopter landing & housing facility nearby and private jets can use a small airport half an hour away.

No-one offers what I do
I lead: others follow. It’s always been that way

The short code to this page is:

Continue Reading Visit Sywwow

Product Review: The Wooden Coat Hanger

I inadvertently left my case containing canes, whips and similar items at home and, instead, had with me a case housing two smaller cases and some bags.

I was forced to improvise.

I far prefer improvisation than being a drone and simply buying stuff on the web like a talentless twat.

I had with me, for the purposes of hanging my jacket in the car, a coat hanger. This particular one has the facility whereby the hook turns allowing it to hang from a stud in the vehicle. When not in use it fits neatly in the seat pocket. I think of everything.

During this cane-less disaster I grabbed the coat hanger and used it to great effect.

The exact style hanger as mine must be used. Mine is vintage but they are still available.

They are a must for any disciplinarian or tormenter of tarts

The exact style hanger as mine must be used


Pain infliction (bottom): 10 out of 10
Pain infliction (back of legs): A++
Pain infliction (Left Tit): 9 out of 9
Pain infliction (Right Tit): Five Stars
Pain infliction (Both Tits simultaneously): Excellent +
Environmental Impact: I could not give a single shit, ever

Overall Excellence: Excellent, over all

This is now one of the most important things I carry with me other than my vacuum cleaner (adapted by me), my Tart Ties (adapted by me) and Black & Decker Workmate


The Product in use:

Continue Reading Product Review: The Wooden Coat Hanger

The bottom of a lady is a delicate thing of beauty

The bottom of a lady is a delicate thing of beauty so must be afforded a choice as regards what whacks it.

Speaking at a conference on what’s wrong with everything, Lord Sywwow said; “I provide a huge range of options for tarts to choose from as regards what whacks their bottoms”.

It’s this attention to detail and his dedication to providing tarts with what they really want that sets the great man apart: “I am dedicated to providing tarts with what they really want. That’s what sets me apart”, said the President FOR LIFE of the Spanking Association of Great Britain.

Lord Sywwow is available to spank your arse and can be contacted via his website


Continue Reading The bottom of a lady is a delicate thing of beauty

Offer extended

For no apparent reason I have revised my offer of free cookies.

The offer, at one time restricted to tart’s receiving the whip, has been extended to cover the much less extreme, spanking.

This means, if you’re so desperate to get some of my free cookies, you don’t have to subject yourself to the whip or make any sort of fuss about it.

And, thusly, with a single stroke, I have ended the cookies / whipping issue (I am a fucking genius with no equal)

Continue Reading Offer extended

Free Cookies

It’s pretty rare I use the whip.

It’s rare to find a tart whose naughtiness is so naughty its use could be justified.

The pain can be intense where it is employed so is virtually never asked for by the tarts seeking my guidance, wisdom and greatness.

Ergo, to encourage its use I’m offering free cookies. Yes, you heard right, free cookies.

This generous measure on my part is to lighten the experience for you tarts who’s feelings are always close to my pure & lovely heart

Whilst being whipped and in torment & terror, you can think to yourself; “When this hell is over, I can have some free cookies. Yes, I heard myself correctly, free cookies”.

Now, when your mulling over the wide variety of punishments you can avail yourselves of, courtesy of ME, you may well opt for the whip all because of my cookie idea.

The only downside to the whole scheme is, as you well know, eating cookies is an act of naughtiness punishable with a spanking or, if sufficient cookies are consumed, the cane. This was brought about to ensure you tarts all adhere to the latest fad diet you’re on which would never allow cookies, even if they’re free.

C’est la vie


Continue Reading Free Cookies

Tart Ties

On the presumption I get clearance from a certain delightful dame I shall soon relate a story of romance, love, passion and tit torture. (You tarts love tit torture. Every single one of you – I know you do)

Integral to this story is my use of something I shall call ‘Tart Ties’. These Tart Ties are used by me ONLY. No-one else in the world has the intellectual ability or lateral thought capabilities to employ these items as I do.

They are capable of tying a tart to a bed or her hands behind her back with no possibility of escape yet are releasable by me in less than a second. Their ability to tie tits together or to purple them individually is unapparelled.

I won’t show you them or go into unnecessary detail as to how they work or describe then unduly so as to keep them a secret – my secret.

The purpose of this article is to let you know what they are to avoid interrupting the flow of my epic narration of what I did to xxx.

Tarts who know precisely what Tart Ties are – because I tell them, directly – are sworn to secrecy and, thus far, they have abided by this requirement.

If your curiosity is such, you can find out yourself by availing yourself of my most excellent services, an advert for which shall now be shown:


In truth, I am hardly inundated with clients but do engage in answering many questions – which I am happy to do.

There is a dichotomy here. If I was to tell stories of slapping a bottom several times, having a chat, then repeating the process it’s hardly riveting stuff. Equally, what verges on the extreme provides entertainment at the risk of alienating some (whom still enjoy the varied content).

I must reiterate how mild I am more than pleased to be. It would appear, for whatever reason, some ladies have never been spanked yet yearn for that and that alone. Uniquely, I will service this requirement and simply give you a spanking – nothing more or less.

I only ever do what is asked of me

Your fantasy starts here:

Go on – do it


Continue Reading Tart Ties

A Helping Hand

You tarts could go a long way in making it easier for me to spank you.

There’s a lot on my mind during the process: your bottom, my hand. That’s it come to think of it.

Anyway, sort yourselves out and present yourself ready for my attention.

To make life easier for ME I have put together an instructional video for you to watch.

However, the video was rubbish and I came across sounding like a lunatic barking orders and the bit where I fell over just made me look stupid. Also, where did that cat come from?

Ergo, here’s some stills which I have annotated detailing the salient points.

Print it out and put it in your handbag together with the 3.5 tonnes of other crap you’ve got in there and, when you meet me (which you will), refer to the printout and get your arse ready to be spanked.

Thank you

Even YOU can follow these instructions. I’m here to help: That’s how nice I am


Continue Reading A Helping Hand

Spanking for Beginners

I understand Spanking is a difficult subject and it’s beyond most people’s comprehension.

Ergo, I have produced a guide so you can grasp the basics and punish wayward tarts or tarts who are completely innocent.

Ladies may also use the guide to appraise themselves of the technicalities but, remember, ladies can only spank other ladies and only under strict supervision by an expert such as ME.

If you fail in the task, despite my detailed instructions, then perhaps spanking is not for you. If you’re a tart: I run a special one-day course where you can learn, first hand, the essentials. You even get a certificate: providing you pass the examination


Continue Reading Spanking for Beginners


Listen up tarts, NEW VOUCHER

I tread where no others have ever dare go before – it’s what I do. Every single day.

A first in the Voucher game: A FREE upgrade or downgrade

It’s all very complicated, so let’s look at a couple of examples.

Example one: Some tart called, let’s say, Julia, turns up for her spanking but thinks to herself; “I think he should cane my bare ass but I’m fucked if I’m paying extra because I’m saving up for a new hat which I saw in the shop where I go every day to stare at shoes. I know, I’ll use this voucher and he’ll have to cane me for the price of a spanking the big sucker”.

Julia gets the Cane for the price of a Spanking: Clever Girl: Result

Example two: Some tart called, let’s say, Andrea, turns up for her caning which I have dictated she receives for naughtiness. When she arrives, she thinks to herself out-loud like a loon; “My dear derrière does not deserve such harsh treatment, after all, my so-called naughtiness was ‘thinking about being naughty in a purely hypothetical way’. I know, I’ll use this Voucher and he’ll have to put his cane back in its velvet lined case and spank me instead thus saving me the pain and indignity of the cane”.

Andrea gets a Spanking thus dodging out of getting the Cane: Clever Girl: Result

In both of the above cases, the tarts have used their brains and initiative to get what they deserve all thanks to my kind generosity and, world-renowned, genius.

You come first – after ME (every time)

Caning Voucher

Upgrade to or Downgrade from The Cane

Continue Reading NEW VOUCHER

Smart Asses

My mischievous missives making merriment at the expense of ladies may make you think what you may think.

I limit interaction with humans as the majority are disappointing. Those who are ‘individuals’, ‘do their own thing’, ‘are wild & crazy’ etcetera etcetera etcetera are the most mediocre of all.

Of those with whom I deal, the ones whom possess the indefinable something separating them from the mundane are all women.
The sharpest minds & intellects of all belong to they who wish to avail themselves of my services (FACT).

But where lies the entertainment in this accurate observation?

When I spank a tart, I’ll tell her I’ll stop if she can count backwards from 11 to zero. This is impossible because their tiny brains are so full of flowers and nothing such a feat would be impossible. – Now, is that not better?


Continue Reading Smart Asses

Don’t be Fatty – be Fitty

My new fitness regime is off to a good start with a tart with a smarting arse looking far fitter and less fatter than when she arrived.

It was revealed during a load of research I may have done that spanking (by ME) tones muscles, makes you slim, kills calories and loads of shit like that. And more, yes more.

In some figures I just made up and sent to the BBC who will believe any old crap it clearly states that being spanked (by ME) is equivalent to running 17.39 miles or lifting weights for3 years.

Not only that but, if you want bigger tits, my new Spank to Fitness regime achieves this. Oddly, if you think they’re too big (wtf!) they get smaller but, thankfully, not by much.

Join my fitness regime TODAY (terms & conditions apply, please don’t read them, women only, caning cost extra but brings a shine to your lovely eyes).


I know this will be a great success – I feel it in my bones

Continue Reading Don’t be Fatty – be Fitty

A touch of ass

Am I not the most wonderful man ever to have walked this planet you call “Earth”?

They should make a film about me. ‘They‘ can’t be trusted – it shall fall to me to undertake this dangereous adventure & mission for I be: Lord Sywwow, “The Gay Chevalier“.

Continue Reading A touch of ass

4am (ish)

It’s 4am (ish). Ergo it’s 4am (ish) throughout the world.

As you twats sleep and dream your little dreams, I am about my business. Bringing order & discipline to the world through my encounters with naughty tarts who then start whingeing when I order them to get me refreshments whilst I type this important message.

When, said tarts, return I shall give them something as a reward. When they’re happy – I’ll outflank them with a spanking: for I am Lord Sywwow.

Now fuck off – I’m busy

I’m like some guy in a film, a film like this, for instance:

Continue Reading 4am (ish)

I find more Shakespeare

I find stuff here in the mansion all the time.

Whilst trying to find my – redacted – I found some more Shakespeare writings from his abandoned play; “Tis pity she’s not spanked

Oh, Verily I say unto thee, yon trollop
Wherefore art thou bottom now, yeah
Sans spank sans cane sans everything

Nay, Trollop of hereabouts, thy ass shall be spanketh
Stay troubled mind, thou wench
Lord Sywwow, ‘Aye, shall spank thy ass red
Crimson as St Vincent’s cape, for sooth

My naked Weapon, it is, outeth

– Shakespeare, what a genius. Verily


Continue Reading I find more Shakespeare


Never let it be said a naughty tart doesn’t get a fair hearing before being punished (by ME)


Continue Reading Guilty

Sywwow: Yogi Spanking Guru

I’m into Yoga and all that sort of shit.

I’ve combined my Yoga smarts with my Spanking Skills to create a new therapy for tarts.

What happens is: you come and see the Guru (me) and get spanked. Whilst being spanked you meditate about the life journey (naughtiness) which has led you on this path of enlightenment (a spanking). It’s a Yoga thing.


There will be loads of twats offering this soon but only I am a Yogi Spanking Guru

Continue Reading Sywwow: Yogi Spanking Guru

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